It's So Much Easier To Push People Away. I Don't Want To Feel Anything. I Want To Turn Off My Emotions

I dine alone and I have no cutlery

to hold my appetite

as I attack this platter of death and misery

with my bare hands

and leave no crumbs.

And many, many valleys of sorrow and mountains of death.

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a diary entry featured in Earthly Signs Moscow Diaries, 1917-1922

How do I make someone understand

just how much I have to fight everyday?

That I'm perpetually at war with my brain

that I don't let myself lean on anyone but myself

even if it makes the fire harder to extinguish

but isn't that what I really want?

To burn and burn

and burn.

Migraine aura + Splitting/ Spiraling = Fucked

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

👁️ ✨

Fucked and how. I need a vacation. Getting it. Then back to the bullshit which is my life.

I just read “each time you open a book and read, a tree smiles knowing there's life after death”and OH MY GOD

I feel so lonely. Not because I don't have people in my life that love me, I do. But I can't help but feel alone. I feel like a monster whenever I don't answer my friends' texts because I can't help it but feel so stressed out and tired and having to deal with people is the last thing I want to do.

I want to be loved and love people but there's an ugly monster that keeps on trying to make me feel and be lonely and alone in my own thoughts.