Pmdd - Blog Posts

hey so 21-92% of autistic people who menstruate also have pmdd, and I think more people need to know of that (coming from an autistic transguy who also has pmdd, and had no idea of this until their then undiagnosed pmdd drove them to a breaking point)

Once a month

They tell me it’s a woman's dream/an ancestral right passed down from mother to daughter

A fever lights beneath my skin/red orchids stretching and blooming on my shoulders and back

The great goddesses would smile and kiss my head for this/but I wish they would take it back

The moon with her eternal smirk dances with me/i feel just like the tide, thrown from side to side

My body shakes like a kicked dog/the tremors spread and the entire world seems to quiver as well

I do not feel like myself/ my mother fixes my clothes and tells me that's just how it is

I want to kill myself mother is that just how it is too/it’s not real, it’s just like a dehydration mirage in the desert she tells me

I wail and mother laughs at my dramatics/does she delight in the shared suffering we now have?

I want to cut open my stomach to strangle the snakes writhing in it/mother tells me she's afraid of snakes

I come to my father on my knees like a begging man/this is a woman’s matter he says as he turns his head

When I cry about my miserable existence asking for it’s justification/he says the same as my mother, it’s not real

There is not enough air in the world/but my “sisters” tell me to just breathe, like telling a dead man to still love

I take the tablets/the pills/the capsules/the pellets/the medicine/and I weep like i’ve never known tenderness

I tell God i’ll finally go to church if he takes the pain away and when he doesn’t/i say i’ll start worshiping Satan

I feel like a melancholic girl from the 1800s/banished to the countryside for hysteria 

I wish I was hysteric/i wish someone could give me a prescription of living on the land 

The little control I still have/i wrestle with like I’m a child trying to keep my favorite toy 

The moon waxes and wanes as a crawl on the floor/a wounded bleeding animal

This is womanhood they say, this is punishment/take it back take it back take it back

The resentments and bitterness slip past my lips like puke/isn’t this beautiful, don’t you feel beautiful

I do not want this girlhood, this femininity/give me barren fields and an empty life

I sit with my “sisters” as we talk about Aunt Flow/in this we are a witch covenant bound only by mutual pain

I wish I could give away this regift of living as it was regifted to me/but there is only one way to do that

I feel bruised, achey, and weak/i wish someone would hold me

But mother says it’s natural/and father says to toughen up 

I am already so small/why must you make me smaller?

Having a PMDD-esque period in sync with the depersonalisation and derealisation episode is really milking my bpd this week and it's only my first day.

More horrors to come tomorrow!

That PMDD moment