I Feel Numb, I Don't Want To Think About Anything. It's Too Much. I Didn't Want To Wake Up Today. I Have

Lo and Behold, the Low is here!

And so am I. Hihi.

Sigh.

It's so much easier to push people away. I don't want to feel anything. I want to turn off my emotions and self destruct. I refuse to feel grief or any strong emotion that I just don't want to feel. I'd rather not think about any of those emotions and just keep trying to destroy myself. I can't cope with real life. I'd rather make them hate me. My brain is telling me to push them away. And I can't stop it.

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

it's breaking me to cry for nothing

no one

something I never had

and probably never would

it's a longing that has no end

no reason

- after a negative pregnancy test

I'm so sick of these destructive defense mechanisms that do protect me from getting hurt but at the same time trigger the fear of abandonment, because of which I employ these mechanisms in the first place.

What the fuck.

but being numb/feeling empty is a whole another level of worse.

sometimes the emotions get so intense that i'd rather be numb.

Trying to not to be afraid of this energy. One of the days when I feel sorry for myself. Sigh.

The bone chilling winter comes after my soul

as I run through the slippery woods

plummeting inside the abyss.

Along with bpd, is unreal in another dimension

having bipolar and being told you have it for the rest of your life with no cure feels so unreal to me.

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Gentle Spirit