Trying To Not To Be Afraid Of This Energy. One Of The Days When I Feel Sorry For Myself. Sigh.

I can't form so much as a tear

but I seem to be drowning still.

I'd like to stop being anxious now. My head is exploding.

*goes through a hard time*

Me: I must be pretending

*feels incredibly lonely and wants to talk to someone*

Me: ew I'm too needy and weak

*experiences shitloads of emotional pain*

Me: stfu you're not a baby, gulp it down alone like an adult

I feel numb, I don't want to think about anything. It's too much. I didn't want to wake up today. I have a lot to take care of and think about but I just don't have it in me to tend to anything.

I feel numb.

i feel so alone all the goddamn time.

I belong to none,

not these extended hands,

the rosey skies,

or the bloodied battlegrounds in my name.

I belong to none other than myself

but know not which one in particular

I may not love myself on most days

but I definitely would not let you either.

Having a PMDD-esque period in sync with the depersonalisation and derealisation episode is really milking my bpd this week and it's only my first day.

More horrors to come tomorrow!

Three days of no meds and sleepiness and full stomach. I wonder how it would be when I start taking my meds again from tomorrow.

— Fernando Pessoa, from “The Book of Disquiet.”