— Fernando Pessoa, From “The Book Of Disquiet.”

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Gentle Spirit

And many, many valleys of sorrow and mountains of death.

Marina Tsvetaeva, from a diary entry featured in Earthly Signs Moscow Diaries, 1917-1922

My childhood trauma didn't make me stronger. it made me a people pleaser. it made me forgive way too much. it made me not speak when i'm supposed to. it made me an extreme empath.

My core self was quiet because I was told to be. And hence, this. Sigh. So many to blame but a lot to remedy. First, the need of the hour: removing triggers of all my illnesses. Let's get to that, yes.

but being numb/feeling empty is a whole another level of worse.

sometimes the emotions get so intense that i'd rather be numb.

My name is written in agony and love that consumes me.

“Please dont expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There are times when I will be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand.”

— Sylvia Plath

Time to go underground and push everyone away after an overwhelming weekend.

it's breaking me to cry for nothing

no one

something I never had

and probably never would

it's a longing that has no end

no reason

- after a negative pregnancy test