Someone Asked About My Ideal Type And I Didn't Know What To Say.

Feeling anxious because something reminded me that I am not special & irreplaceable for the people who are special & irreplaceable to me.

My Turn

It's so confusing

Today was my day of refusing

But that person took my turn

It feels like burn

I always used to think

Why me getting angry or depressed used to bring my mother to brink

Now it seems so obvious

She must have been holding a lot of stuff that's serious

Because that's what is happening with me each day

I am going through a lot but keeping my emotions at bay

It's easier to tackle things around

If only the people near you are not pulling you to ground

I wake up and try to smile

But even a single person being sad and angry makes me think a mile

It feels like cheating to me

I have so much to feel, how are they even beating me

Someone said your coping mechanisms' great

But I need to express is what I felt

Faking my emotions so others don't feel depressed

Is too much of a burden as I read

Sometimes I am on the verge of breakdown

But someone else grabs the sad crown

I feel so betrayed

I even dread

I know it's attention seeking clearly

But it was my time to show my problems dearly

You took that away

Now I have no idea how to get my way

I don't know if it's wrong

But when one person is sad I think I don't have the right to sing my sad song

So I keep on storing

And it's easy enduring

But again one day someone is at dismay

I start feeling the angst because even though I wasn't planning to say

That person seems to have taken my turn

And I have got the burn

So I get angry and depressed

I don't try to show it but it gets expressed

No I am not copying anyone

It just me feeling that I didn't get a chance to express to someone

I tell everyone that I write when I am sad but actually I write when I am 'the perfect amount of sad' like a little bit of extra sadness makes what I write sound weird and a little less can just shut my brain.

P.S. I don't know what that 'perfect amount of sad' is... Haha

It's so easy to forgive what someone said to you but it's so difficult to forgive what they say about the people you love the most...

So make sure you don't say anything wrong about someone in front of their loved ones because they might eventually forgive but they would never ever forget.

Oscar Wilde said:

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

And this

"With freedom, flowers, books, and the moon, who could not be perfectly happy?"

And then this

"I am tired of myself tonight, I should like to be someone else"

And now someone please tell me if I am the only one who thinks his thoughts are so similar to me...

He could have been a great friend.

The best thing about characters of a book is not what they do in the book, it's the little backstory about them. The story that makes them what they are in the book. No character is beautiful without their backstory. And ain't it the same with humans??

Sitting alone

Sitting alone I always miss the time I didn't need company

The time when I felt secure even when no one offered security

The time when without taking the effort to make friends I had a lot of them

I miss the comfort I got in my mother's arms

The time when she was just a room away and not, a call away

I miss the childhood mistakes

The time when irrespective of the kind of my mistake I was always forgiven

I miss when love was always around

The time when I didn't have to find someone who loves me

I miss when adulting seemed fun

The time when I didn't realize that independence can be a burden too

I miss when fulfilling our dreams was the biggest dream

The time when I didn't know how difficult it is in reality

I miss and I miss

But the most i miss is when i didn't have to sit alone

The time when even being alone i knew that I am not alone

Jim and Pam

I hate marriages I say

Because not everyone is lucky in Pam's way

It's hard to find love which never looks away

It's hard to get Jim who always stays

A person who knows that he is best for you

But steps away to let you choose

A person who always wants you to grow

No matter how many days you are away in a row

A person who accepts you all

The fierce you, the timid you, the clumsy you the beautiful you, the failed you, the successful you, and the complete haul

A person who can comfort you

A person who can love you

A person for whom your smile is a lucky charm

A person who is willing to let you sleep on his arm

A person with whom valentine's day fight also seems a plan

A person whose leaving is more painful than he being an angry man

Yes I want my children to know we are soulmates and it is no less than fairytales

I want to tell them stories of our dates

I don't know what else to say

But finding a person for whom you are not enough but everything seems like an impossible way

It makes me, me

I was waiting for my feelings to go numb

I was waiting for that day but I was dumb

I thought that with each day the wound would grow old

I expected that each day would make me cold

But little I realised

And very little I was surprised

With each passing day

My feelings started spreading like a ray

It reached ever nook and corner of my existence

But I was still hoping with persistence

It was so difficult to feel

The reason I thought time would heal

Soon I had a lot of opinions

Surprisingly they made me cry more than onions

Soon the tree of feeling got a strong hold

Now I knew nothing was going to get old

All experiences and incidents

Were giving my wounds new dents

Crying became a constant part of my lifestyle

Funny enough that it was just a more defined form of my old style

I didn't know what to do with so much going on inside

Never realised it would be so much more than what was going outside

Checking and rechecking all emotions

Hide and seek with everything was in motion

Defining the ideas I had was important

Knowing I was right was like a reinforcement

I knew the wounds are not going now

But still adapting raised the question how

Connecting dots was a daily routine

Adulting is much more difficult than being a teen

Sensations, feelings and emotions are always going to be difficult for me

But when I introspect I realise it makes me, me.

Silence

You don't know what battles I am fighting

You don't know the ones I am winning and losing

You don't know if my breakfast is sweet or bitter

You don't know if I am returning to a bed of flowers or nails

You don't know if I am having nightmares

You don't know if my mornings are even fair

You just know I speak less

You don't know that each of my actions are shouting ahead

You don't know enough because I am not willing to tell

You don't know enough because you are not the risk I am willing to take

I am an introvert, you think I like playing safe

But you don't know even privacy is like a fire play