Sometimes I Don't Care About Being Considered Weird By Classmates, Other Days I Want To Be Loved

Watching Rivals and I can feel myself coming apart at the seams. This badly behaved man meets the most eldest daughter and listens to her? He changes his behavior when she tells him off?

Rupert notices how much labor Taggie does and is truly in awe of it? This man who uses sex and money to get his way is now reduced to Just staring longly at this girl every one overlooks. Going out of his way to just be in the same area as her? Is this a fantasy created just for me?

I can’t even start with the homegrown, organic yearning

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

things are finally getting better, there's no problem with being myself

good people doesnt feel like this

sometimes I have the most brilliant thoughts and when I want to write them, I sound like a five year old.

Everybody leaves me, I'm really such an undesirable person? My classmates say I'm kind, so why nobody want my company?

in my slut era. (i can't even start a conversation)

save george mackay of playing a soldier again (not actually, i love seeing him)

I’m not an “I can fix him” girly, I’m an “I will make him worse” girly

okay, things are not finally getting better