I Wanted To Be My Firsts First And Now Ive Lost The Purity In Me To Something Dirty And It Makes Me Feel

For I am become the great pretender betrayer of a youthful me

As I pretend not to be bothered by my bff who questions 'why wouldn't you want to be soldja boy?' a youthful me asks my mom for two halloween costumes since you're not allowed to be a bloody zombie little girl with a knife at school in the second grade

As I pretend my bff is right when she says we can't even at the bare minimum be mean girls since 'none of us are blonde' a youthful me describes to my dad the terrible tumble zombie Alice took not only down down the rabbit hole but down down a muddy cliff and that's the reason her hair is brown

As I pretend not to care when my bff calls my guy 'weird' a youthful me demands that if I must date a man he cannot be conventional in any manor

As I pretend to be unharmed by the unexplained absence of my bff at my clubs squid dissection a youthful me is ostracized and abandoned by her only friend

As I pretend the barber cut my hair wrong when my bff tells me 'it's really short' a youthful me wanted purple and blue died hair cut in a shaggy mullet

As I pretend I don't hate my new skin so much that I claw at it raw and bloody a youthful me swore it 'would only be once and I'd never do it again'

jk guys we are so back

"its never over"-jeff buckley

If I were your girlfriend I'd be the summer to your tom

am i girl blog shit posting now?

who knows~

I saw you looking

So why did you say you didn't care

why look at something you dont like

instead look at the trees blowing in the air

I caught you looking

and i caught the blush in ur cheeks

the soft smile on your lips

like the cutest little geek

I noticed you not looking

so i tried to forget

it wasnt all that hard

but then you had to look again

this time your eyes were lower

and i wouldnt have minded but

i saw you looking

then you said u didnt care

If I am to become another berry picked too ripe so I can be sold to the masses I will use the cut I was given so you can rot away in the warm sun on the vines. I won't let you, my daughter, be eaten by the people even if you must eat me alive in exchange.

snippet of Dear Daughter I Never Wanted

I dance around my room on halloween at five in the morning, so I can wear my costume to school, and I listen to three cheers for sweet revenge by the alternative band my chemical romance on cd.

I have been looking for that cd for almost a year now I just got it over the weekend

I have had you for almost five years now I don't know why I'm still looking for you

Night blackens the air where I stand

A crisp chill prickling my skin

Almost midnight

I breathe in

I should be sleeping but I’m not

Woken by nightmares

Silent screams

Hidden terrors

Now outside I look to the sky

Seeing some stars

Through the city lights

Dogs start barking

I’m not alone

Time to re-enter my warmer home

Trudge to my bedroom

Crawl into the sheets

Type out a poem

Then fall back into sleep

every time i look in the mirror its someone new who stares back at me.

a face, with features i have had since birth, changing every 34th second

yet every time i look at my reflection it is the same little girl who stared ahead at me.

a face, with features i have had since birth, the solemn look i get when the tide is just out of reach

The anger was just boiling up. I didn't know what to do with the excess water. It was overflowing the styrofoam cup and I needed to put it somewhere. I needed to throw something. I had to punch someone so hard it hurt me more than it ever hurt them. I grabbed my scalding cup and poured. A whispering drizzle ran down the hill side drilling into the dirt digging at the rocks breaking the dam of soil to bring forth a rushing river. Hurt yourself. I pounded my fist into my thigh. Hurt yourself. I scratched at my arm nails on a chalkboard. Hurt yourself. I didn't stop when I started bleeding. Hurt yourself. My skin was stuck under my nails. Hurt yourself. I was drowning head down in the deep waters so hot it was icy cold to the touch. Hurt yourself. I liked it. That hurt the most.