Me: This Is Great!!! I Finally Have Time To Write! I Can Make Some Progress!

AAAAAAH HE KISSED ME

WHAT DO I DO????!

spent the whole day thinking about him and how i'd text him and i thought i'd do it at like 2 or 3am since i usually get very emotional

but i don't wanna be too much

i don't think waking up to a 'i wish i could be with you rn' could be anything but stressful given the situation

i'm too much

It’d be cool if there was something like a rock band in Hogwarts like a group of students that wanted to play music or something because they all look too serious honestly

nice guy: hey wanna spend some time together tomorrow? Or even have lunch together?

me: sure, i'd love that

my brain: nooooo he's gonna realize how ugly you are without a mask on, CANCEL

my mind is poisoned and i'll believe every single bad thing my brain imagines until you tell me how it really is

Character: What are you doing?

Me: Just thinking about what's gonna happen to you

Character: Tell me

Me: No you'll see later

Character: Fine

Character: *waits a long time*

Character: I DIDN'T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE DELETE THIS

Me: I like it

Character: I DON'T

Me: Ok so what do you want next?

Character: KILL ME, END MY SUFFERING

Me: I think it'll be nice if you have children

Character: DON'T-

Character: *has children*

Character:

Me: Perfect.

Character: Fuck you.

soooo a month ago i went to a party i wasn't invited to but my friends insisted so i said yes i waited outside in front of the house to wait for them as we weren't in the same car to get there i was early so only a few people were already inside and the street was empty at some point a guy on a bike stopped right next to me and awkwardly looked at me and said 'hi... are you also here for the party..?' and when i looked up i noticed that he had a really cute face, just like his voice so i said yes and he was like 'oh, thanks, i wasn't sure aha' and he smiled at me before talking again like 'well, i'll park my bike over there and hum... i guess i'll see you inside later?' so i nodded and he smiled before walking towards the house with his bike my thoughts were just like 'damn he's so cute and he looks kind' but as usual no expectations when it comes to people especially when i find them cute because i always feel worthless and there's no way they'd enjoy my company anyway more people arrived and eventually my friends did too so we went to the party after a few drinks i started giving water to everyone to make sure they'd be ok but at some point i lost my drunk friends and felt too tired to look for them in the moment but i noticed the cute boy having a conversation with my crush (yeah he was there too lmaooo) and another guy so i walked up to them and started talking with them anyway i probably spent like 10min talking to the cute boy in the end including the small talk before the party and the next day as he was gone all i had was his face, voice and first name after getting home and resting i started thinking about him again and i ended up finding his insta account since i knew many people at the party and they follow each other i followed him but that was it and he was a kind of memory i enjoyed even tho i knew we hadn't talked enough to be friends or anything he followed me back and replied to one of my stories but that was it i ran into him one day in town but he was busy so i only said hi before leaving and i was surprised he remembered me anyway, a lot of people have been texting me lately (bday, yay) so my phone spends the day ringing at some point i noticed that one cute boy's profile pic and i was like 'did you just... text me?' so anyway i answered and we briefly talked and i said i was surprised to see him texting me and he said 'well, it happens' and i said 'not to me' and he said 'now it happened :)' and then he asked me about myself because i hadn't said anything about me at the party and then i told him i enjoyed listening to people rather than talking about myself so he said there wasn't much to say about him and he proceeded to describe me the way he sees life and he was like 'it's kinda dumb so i don't really wanna tell people about it aha' except that i loved what he had said so i asked him for more and he was like 'well tomorrow's gonna be busy so i have to go to bed rn but i'll tell you tomorrow, feel free to ask me anything :)' and he wished me a good night i know it's not much and i know it doesn't mean anything but i also know that it makes me very happy, which is rare i'm just grateful for this small talk that turned into happiness for me, it might not last but if it can keep my mind busy with something positive for a while, it's just fine :)

three years ago i was just about to talk to my 'ex' for the very first time

two years ago i was getting yelled at by my 'ex in the middle of the night bc i was working and it apparently was too late for them and it made them mad

one year ago i was slowly healing from this massive destruction i went through

tonight my intrusive thoughts made me go through all of this and i felt the abuse again as if it was still there

i'm just getting used to live on my own, i'm completely alone, facing intrusive thoughts, surrounded by people that know absolutely nothing about this all, it just feels so... it feels like i keep falling apart even more than a year after putting an end to this and it's so hard i want to give up

just logged out of instagram and i told people i was feeling out of place, i'm always left behind

and i know i'm gonna receive a lot of dms like 'hey you know i'm here for you' and all and i know they mean it but i don't need fake people that show up when i tell them i'm giving up, i need real people that can see i'm just falling apart and all i need is some real and honest company, a word, a smile, a look, anything