Hyperfixating On This Is Not Enough I Need To Eat It

i think it is very depressing that like every aesthetic people try to emulate are of people doing things but they themselves are incapable of being somebody that does things… the mall goth 2005 aesthetic revived in 2022 but nobody goes to the mall to be annoying and weird and nobody lets themselves be cringe… the cottagecore aesthetic but nobody knows how to raise gardens or live self sufficiently … the dark academia aesthetic but nobody actually reads books…. The obsession of looking like you are a type of person who does something without actually doing anything … the Instagram effect

All my grief says the same thing— this isn't how it's supposed to be. And the world laughs, holds my hope by my throat, says: but this is how it is.

Fortesa Latifi // The Truth About Grief

In Mojave thinking, body and land are the same. The words are separated only by letters: ’iimat for body, ’amat for land. In conversation, we often use a shortened form for each: mat-. Unless you know the context of a conversation, you might not know if we are speaking about our body or our land. You might not know which has been injured, which is remembering, which is alive, which was dreamed, which needs care, which has vanished.

If I say, My river is disappearing, do I also mean, My people are disappearing?

—Natalie Diaz, from “The First Water Is the Body,” Postcolonial Love Poem

I've been awfully busy lately. Applying for a new job, studying for exams and dealing with the host of problems that have presented itself to me. I'm managing, to varying degrees.

video essays i’ve loved a lot recently!

the history of dieting is crazier than you think - a history of diet culture, its phases, faces, and diet culture media by mina le

When Hollywood Speaks Chinese, I Cringe - short essay about the cringey racist way Chinese language is portrayed in Hollywood

Good LGBT Representation is Boring (and why that’s a problem) - essay that dives into the double edge sword of “unproblematic” lgbt rep

The Decline of History Channel - a history of the history channel and how it lost almost all credibility. 

The Black Right Wing - fascinating essay on Black Americans who support Donald Trump, right wing politics and why that is. 

Can We Kill the Final Girl Trope Already? - one of my favourite essays ever about the first girl who dies in horror films.

Exploring The “Gender Critical” Radicalization Pipeline - tw: major transphobia, an essay about how TERF ideology online radicalises people to the right

A Buffet of Black Food History - do not watch this on an empty stomach! essay about the history of Black American food, culture and the success of Black cooks/chefs

No, Superhero Movies are NOT Like Westerns - excellent breakdown of all the reasons why the current proliferation of superhero films is not comparable culturally, economically or artistically to Westerns.

Maybe you should stay in the closet?…Coming Out re-examined - personal vlog/video essay about the history of “coming out” as lgbt and the culture around doing so has changed

The Matrix Resurrections Is Absolutely Beautiful - an analysis/review of the beautifully executed trans-ness of latest matrix films

make more characters bi, you cowards: why (not) romance? - analysis on the current state of bisexual representation in pop culture 

Heterofatalism: WHY straight women aren’t okay. - absolutely wild essay on the complex cultural attitudes that encourages straight women to hate themselves for loving men

The Pandemic Onscreen - How Film & TV Do Covid - analysis of the different ways fictional media is acknowledging the pandemic

Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing.

- Fyodor Dostoevsky, Crime and Punishment

i call this the 'I'm normal about media' moodboard

the (almost) complete Bungou Stray Dogs reading list

as a dostoyevsky fan i first discovered bsd by being very confused whenever i saw pretty anime boys in the crime and punishment tag, so now i’m using bsd to discover more classic literature, and you can too!

this is my personal list straight from my phone notes app, of the most significant works mentioned in the series. italized titles are those that i really couldn’t find an english translation of but they’re there for completeness (if you’ve found one please comment!)

i’ve also got links to the french text of all works that are originally in french, because i read french and as said this list is just adapted from my personal notes hahaha

special shoutout goes to @bsd-bibliophile and their website from where i got many of the links, especially the works of the japanese authors, as well as the bsd recommended reading list ❤️

links are pdfs unless otherwise specified

the armed detective agency:

no longer human by dazai osamu

the moon over the mountain by nakajima atsushi (beast beneath the moonlight)

an encouragement of learning by fukuzawa yukichi (all men are equal)

o brother, you must not die by yosano akiko (thou shalt not die)

kunikida doppo’s works

the makioka sisters by tanizaki junichirou (light snow) [epub]

naomi by tanizaki junichirou

be not defeated by the rain by miyazawa kenji [online]

demon pond by izumi kyouka (demon snow)

edogawa ranpo’s works

i am a cat by natsume souseki

futon by tayama katai

the port mafia:

rashoumon by akutagawa ryuunosuke (link includes o-gin that akutagawa gin is based on)

this soiled sorrow by nakahara chuuya (upon the tainted sorrow) [online]

golden demon by ozaki kouyou

falling camellia by hirotsu ryuurou

the dancing girl by mori ougai (elise)

vita sexualis by mori ougai [epub]

higuchi ichiyou’s works (no ability specified yet, but see for example encounters on a dark night)

midwinter memento by tachihara michizou

lemon by kajii motojirou

dogra magra by yumeno kyuusaku [website, incomplete translation] (it appears there’s a full french translation for like $1k if yall are interested lmao)

madness of george III by alan bennett (madness of the jewel king) pretty sure this one’s still copyrighted, hence why they couldn’t use alan bennett’s name for ace, and why i can’t find any pdf copies

the guild:

the great gatsby by f. scott fitzgerald (the great fitzgerald)

little women by louisa m. alcott

the grapes of wrath by john steinbeck [online/pdf/epub]

the scarlet letter by nathaniel hawthorne

gone with the wind by margaret mitchell [online/pdf/epub]

anne of green gables by l. m. montgomery (anne of the abyssal red)

moby dick by herman melville

the adventures of tom sawyer by mark twain (huck finn and tom sawyer)

the adventures of huckleberry finn by mark twain (huck finn and tom sawyer)

the black cat by edgar allan poe (the black cat in the rue morgue) [online]

the murders in the rue morgue by edgar allan poe (the black cat in the rue morgue) [online]

the call of cthulhu by h. p. lovecraft (the great old ones) [online]

the rats in the house of the dead:

the house of the dead by fyodor dostoevsky [online/epub]

crime and punishment by fyodor dostoevsky

a feast in time of plague by alexander pushkin [online/pdf/epub]

the precipice by ivan goncharov (this is an abridged translation please buy the new 2020 unabridged translation titled malinovka heights please it’s one of my all-time favourite books please thank you for your attention)

the perfect crime by oguri mushitarou

the decay of angels:

the decay of the angel by mishima yukio [online]

the overcoat by nikolai gogol

dracula by bram stoker [online/pdf/epub] (bram’s ability isn’t named yet but come on who are we kidding)

sigma has been speculated to be a reference to russian writer and journalist sergey nikolayevich syromyatnikov, or possibly sigmund freud

the hunting dogs:

mirror lion by fukuchi ouchi (online summary)

gasp of the soul by ookura teruko (see bewitching shadow which is the only work of anyone from the hunting dogs with full english translation!)

priceless tears by jouno saigiku

plum blossoms in snow by suehiro tetchou (wikipedia)

special division for unusual powers:

discourse on decadence by sakaguchi ango

hail in the begging bowl [online/pdf] (an essay by james abrams on the life and poetry of taneda santoka, from which the ability name is derived)

order of the clock tower:

and then there were none by agatha christie

dark era:

strait is the gate by andré gide (french original, online)

flawless by oda sakunosuke (see his other works from the stories of osaka life collection that has been translated into english, which can be found on the @bsd-bibliophile website)

55 minutes:

the time machine by h. g. wells

the mysterious island by jules verne (french original, online/epub)

matasaburou of the wind by miyazawa kenji [online] (atsushi’s alias)

johann wolfgang von goethe (mentioned)

william shakespeare (mentioned)

victor hugo (mentioned) les misérables french original 

fifteen + storm bringer:

illuminations by arthur rimbaud [online] (french original, online/epub)

paul verlaine’s poetry [online/epub] (french original, online/epub)

frankenstein by mary shelley (adam frankenstein)

gaiden:

another by ayatsuji yukito (volume 1, volume 2, volume 3)

the summer in the ubume by kyougoku natsuhiko (an inherent drop)

yesterday’s shadow tag by tsujimura mizuki

dead apple:

shibusawa tatsuhiko’s works (referred to collectively as draconia, see fish scales which has been translated into english)

chapter titles and other references:

franz kafka’s works (our man asagiri) metamorphosis [online/epub] the trial [online/epub]

the setting sun by osamu dazai (have you seen all those dazai sunset scenes in the anime)

the black lizard by hirotsu ryuurou

the case of murder on D hill by edogawa ranpo (murder on D street, ch 6)

poems of days past by nakahara chuuya (back in the day, ch 11) see poem collection

light, wind and dreams by nakajima atsushi (even if my head be mistaken, ch 29)

if you’re gonna read the above you should probably be acquainted with robert louis stevenson’s works, like the strange case of dr jekyll and mr hyde [online/epub]

tower of silence by mori ougai (the silent tower and the raven’s feast, ch 30)

husband and wife by nakajima atsushi (cherrirs, ch 43)

dreaming of butterflies by hagiwara sakutarou (ch 65-66)

the sheep song by nakahara chuuya (the chant to activate chuuya’s corruption)

les sœurs de charité by arthur rimbaud (the chant to activate verlaine’s corruption) french original

this is all the main works i could find, but naturally bsd is chock-full of literature references so please feel free to add to this list if you have anything! again i have to direct you to bsd-bibliophile’s online library for more complete resources and relevant authors that are not directly mentioned in bsd + a bunch of other useful content, i swear that page is one of my most-visited websites hahaha

other great resources for free books that have entered the public domain, where i got most of the links to the western books on this list:

project gutenberg

free editorial

planet ebook

planet publish

happy reading!

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I think my dark undereye circles are adding to the aesthetic actually.

when Lemony Snicket wrote “I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you everyday” that hurt me