How Masking Has Affected Me

Artist Peeve...

Don't know if anyone else has to go through this, but it happens to me a lot.

And that is when I tell someone I write fiction/draw illustrations, they assume those skills transfer and/or that automatically means I'd want to do a COMPLETLY DIFFERENT MEDIUM FOR THEIR RANDOM PROJECT.

Just because I write fiction, that doesn't mean I'd be any good at writing articles. Just because I do illustrations doesn't mean that I can take photographs any better than the average person.

And did it even occur to the people asking-SAYING I should volunteer to do these other skills/activates that if I didn't mention (and show no evidence of participating in), that maybe, JUST MAYBE, they're not skills I have or activities I enjoy, and I most certainly don't want to do with my time, free or otherwise?

AND CERTAINLY NOT FOR FREE!

To the late diagnosed ASD community:

How many of you were misdiagnosed the first time?

How many of you felt that your assessor wasn’t taking you seriously?

What sort of tests did they do? What sort of questions did they ask? And did they make sense in relating to ASD, especially in adult women?

What did you do after the assessment when you were told everything seems normal? And that you were just experiencing mild forms of anxiety and showed slight traces of OCD?

What do I do when I've done so much research, heard so many stories from people in the ASD community and related to them so well, used their knowledge and experience to help me get through my daily life a litter easier, only to be told by a professional that I'm not Actually Autistic?

Random Autistic Problem

I hate the fact that my brain has moments of “I want to be super productive today”, but then my body gets in the way by insisting I need food even though my stomach doesn’t feel hungry.

So I’m forced to quickly find something filling that I don’t want to eat and choke it down just to get on with the things I do want to do.

Which is annoying because eating certain foods is a stim for me (like the crunch then yield of a well cooked potato wedge). And cooking those good foods takes time and I don’t have the right mindset to make them (they are their own event that I would like to enjoy at a later time when I don’t have the “productive brain” running).

But if I don’t eat something that shuts my stomach up, I can’t concentrate on anything.

WHY BRAIN WHY?!?!

Was tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city . I love doing these!

3 Quotes of Mine (that pretty much sum up everything you really need to know about me)

“I would say Akhenaten is one of my least favorite Pharaohs.”

“I thought a ‘Vote of no Confidence’ was just a Star Wars thing.”

“I’ll put the bullets underneath the zebra cakes.”

(And yes, I have actually said all of these out loud in conversations with other people)

This hit me so hard.

As someone who is autistic.

As someone who never had a hometown.

As someone who is first generation Mexican American.

As someone who is half first generation Mexican American.

I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere or with any group. Because I wasn’t neurotypical enough. Because I hadn’t lived there long enough. Because I wasn’t American enough. Because I wasn’t Mexican enough. Because I was too different.

And finally, it hits me - I don’t “belong”. And that’s okay - great, even. Because that is my Strength.

Thank you, Xiran Jay Zhao, for writing these beautiful words. They mean more to me than I could ever express.

Got tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city to shuffle my favorites playlist and list the first 10 :3

I did the playlist on my phone which sadly is an outdated version (new phone not being compatible with old computer-I’ve been saving up to remedy this), but I feel like the songs that popped up do give you an idea how eclectic I can be lol

1: “Soy Yo” by Bomba Estéreo

2: “Just Dance” by Lady Gaga

3: “Survivor” by 2WEI

4: “Cotton Heads” by Caravan Palace

5: “Someone You Like” by The Girl and the Dreamcatcher

6: “Bye-Bye” by Jo Dee Messina

7: “Renegade” by Stereo Dive Foundation

8: “Time After Time” by Estelle

9: “The Wolf” by Siamés

10: “Stay for Awhile” by Amy Grant

Just finished reading Thrawn: Acendancy, and I’m stuck on one scene; the one where to celebrate, Thrawn takes Ar’alani to an art museum, and I wanna know...

WHERE IS THIS MAN IN REAL LIFE SO HE CAN TAKE ME TO AN ART MUSEUM!?

Seriously, why isn’t art museum ever a top pick for a date!?

Discovering My Personal Style

Needless to say, it hasn’t been easy. Lucky for me, I was fortunate not to be influenced by outside forces: aka, the modern world in the form of public school. Because they would have attached stereotypes to me at best and bullied me at worst.

Before puberty, I didn’t really care about my style, because at that point I didn’t even know who I was. I didn’t have a firm grasp on what my likes, dislikes, personal goals and dreams were, and that was fine - it was normal. I was still learning about new things every day.

When puberty did hit and I suddenly started to care, things got confusing fast. For one thing, I went from being an elfin waif to a Germanic/Latina so full of curves the “teen” clothing section was not an option for me. So I turned to thrift store oddities and boys’ clothes… and growing my hair out to Sailor Moon anime lengths. Looking back, I think I knew I wasn’t going to be one of those people that strictly adhered to ever changing fashions, I wanted practicality and comfort, but all while still maintaining my femininity.

Those years, from my early teens to my early twenties, were hard on me, because I didn’t know who I was and what I wanted, so I lacked confidence in myself. Mid twenties weren’t all that helpful either. But between living abroad, working miserable jobs to save up for grad school and of course grad school itself, I didn’t have a lot of time and brainpower to stop and really reflect on what kind of styles felt like me.

And that was the missing piece I wasn’t getting for the longest time; what did I gravitate towards, what aesthetics brought me joy, what styles made me feel the most comfortable to be in my own skin?

Over the years, I think I picked up bits and pieces but didn’t put them together until recently. As a teen I wore boys’ cargo pants all the time. In my early twenties I had lots of tailored blouses. In my mid twenties I finally mastered some makeup techniques. In the past few years I’ve been on a 1940s-1960s vintage kick.

The result is what I think of as “Audrey Hepburn meets Evelyn O'Connell in the 21st century” (with a little Anazen originality thrown in).

So for those of you who are still trying to find your style, don’t feel pressured to do so. I didn’t know what mine was until I hit 30, and to be honest, it might change later! But right now, this is what I like and feel the most comfortable in. And for those that have found a style that doesn’t fit a stereotype; ignore the boxes! Especially if like me, you were worried about how your unique style would cause others to form false opinions of you before they got to know you. That’s not your concern, it’s completely on them. True relationships aren’t about what the other person is wearing.

We live in an age where it is ridiculously easy to experiment with an endless selection of styles and combinations, so it’d be a shame not to find a look that is perfect for you.

After re-watching the Prince of Persia on Disney+, I’d like to think for their honeymoon, Dastan took Tamina to The Valley of the Slaves to watch the ostrich races and hear about the Ngbaka ❤️