New Favorite Bit Is Saying "I Would Be Fangirling So Hard If I Met Him In Real Life 😍" About Random

That gif of Chainsaw the Cuban crocodile galloping reminded me of how funny freshwater crocs look when doing the same thing

i love gaboon vipers why do they move like that

the African wild cat (from which house cats are descended) looks like a normal house cat but with uncomfortably longer legs

so just let me unwind through a few more signs, and i promise that i'll come around [prints]

an acquaintance told me i had the subtle guardedness of someone who “learned social skills the hard way” and i’d honestly have much preferred they took out a gun and shot me

Blueberry: I can’t believe how hard they’re working us these days

Apple: oh my god yeah we’re so understaffed it’s ridiculous

Pear: At least we have Banana and Orange working today

Strawberry: ooh guys I have some really bad news

Pear: oh no what is it…

Strawberry:

I'm a sad person not because anything is wrong. but because as a child I saw an alligator gar at the aquarium and experienced a joy so profound it permanently blew out my dopamine receptors and I've been incapable of happiness since

my coffin shaped locket is the perfect size to fit one singular ibuprofen

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy