This Has Been A Rough Year, In A Rough Life. I Make Light Of It, But I Really Do Feel Like I'm Living

I'm a skilled individual. I am engaging, intelligent and even a little charismatic.

What I'm not is lucky. Rolling the dice a lot and getting a couple wins is not the same as getting those two wins on two rolls.

There are things I'm not going to do in this life. There are a great many things that life will make sure is just up that hill. Call me Sisyphus.

I don't know how to not try. It hurts when I do. It hurts when I don't.

Other people certain things just fall in there lap.

Yes I'm jealous. I want to have fun. I want love. I wish the universe was just indifferent to me instead of against me.

I know it's bad when I'm staring off into nothing, just letting YouTube or whatever keep playing and I waste a day and notice it's still early. I just want it to be over.

I've been joking, mostly to myself, that I'm a ghost. I don't really exist. When I go there will be no proof I existed, just some people talking about collective hallucinations.

came out swinging - the wonder years

**** I'm such a waste of human. I don't get it. I've been fighting this low, brought to you by my worthlessness, loneliness and depression for the past three weeks. This is much longer than most of my lows. When it gets back I get really itchy, when it gets to the bottom I start to feel like there's spiders on me, that's been happening every day.

This shouldn't be so hard. I'm distracted, I have serious head fog. I took a professional development course the other day and a section was about loneliness and suicide. That was funny. The entire time I'm thinking I'm not there I'm not there I'm not there... Yet.

Past couple days it's really been sinking in how I can't get ahead. How undesirable I am as a human being. How, I don't know. I'm actually a great guy. I'm funny and warm, I make space and time to those around me. In a case manager for a nonprofit, it's literally my job to take care of people. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm smart and have always been known for being thoughtful and having a good perspective.

None of that matters. I wish I was born an idiot. Heard the joke about how life and soccer are the same? I didn't want to but my mom made me.

I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I have no future and my death would be mourned by three people. I have a large net of a social group. Three people. And I'm being generous on the third.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more. I'm such a loser.

Finally had the other shoe drop. My friends think I'm dramatic when I talk about my history when it comes to romance. I'm not being dramatic I'm just going to die alone.

She went through the reasons she wants to date me but decided on not continuing. By her own words she should be dating me. But won't.

History repeats itself. Day late buck short, story of my life. She really wanted to get into the weeds and try to pad herself because she really likes me and doesn't want me to be hurt. She kept going over a couple of the same point so I had to let her know it's ok.

Awhile back I found a picture of me from forever ago and sent it to her because it's a funny picture. She made comments about if we had met then she would have made sure we dated because I'm her type. I joked that wouldn't have happened and every time she asked why I gave her joke answers.

Fast forward to tonight and her trying to get us on the same page. I reminded her of that conversation and told her the real answer. That it didn't matter when or under what circumstances we met, *this* would have still happened. She understood where I was coming from.

This isn't the first, won't be the last time a girl can and wants to be with me and chooses not to.

My friends joke that I'm a fatalist. It's usually after I make a prediction and it comes horribly true.

I'm going to die alone. I'm going to live alone. And when I die there will be three people that will care. Well, probably two, that third friend doesn't take care of his body very well...

I think one of the big things is that I'm at a point in my life where I'm just waiting to die. There isn't a future for me, not really. Just the same thing every day and then death. Fun.

So there's this girl. I really like and care for her. We've been talking every day for months. Gone on a few dates. We have tons of chemistry. For context, I'm in my thirties I haven't had chemistry like this much in my life.

Three weeks ago we had talked about what we want our relationship to look like, boundaries, wants, life styles, we got into the weeds of things like what chores we prefer and hate.

We haven't really talked since. Last night she came out of hiding. We caught up a bit. She went over how she felt bad that we haven't talked because she has her own mental health stuff she wanted to recoup from. I brought up it was three weeks and she felt awful. She said that she thought it was only one. We caught up a bit and topic by topic went through things. I brought up the relationship stuff. She said we can go over that tomorrow (that being tonight) on our video chat date.

Yep, I'm getting broken up with someone over video conference. I give it a 5% chance that it goes positive. But yeah, after being ghosted for that long signs all point to one direction.

For history sake I want to bring up that this is the standard. Me and a girl like each other, talk a lot, I help them through things and they leave. It's been awhile though. Two or three years since the last one and that was a doozy. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I'm not worth trying just a little bit for if even considered at all.

Russian Doll (2019 - Present)

My sister posted some screen shots of a text conversation between her and our dad. On the surface it was a cool conversation about all the concerts he brought her too when she was younger.

Any guesses on how many be brought me to? Big ol' zero. It's weird how I'm constantly sharing music with people and asking for new music that people to this day think that music doesn't play a big part in my life. It's strange.

Instead my dad always belittled the things I liked and invalidated my emotions.

I think I was twenty two when my dad and I got into a huge fight. I told him this would be the last time I apologized for being me and told him I'm sorry that I'm not the son he wanted. That was over a decade ago. If we talk, it quickly turns back into that fight. He can't control himself and refuses to try. So we don't have much of a relationship.

I talk to my blood probably twice a year. It's usually my sister. Our relationship is weird. I love her but I can't trust her. Play shitty games get shitty responses. I will not have my civility weaponize against me.

Our incubator was abusive to us. Literally kicked me out of the house on Christmas. Fucking hallmark moment right there.

People wonder why I either come off reserved or like Gomez Addams. I'm watching you or I'm being the adult I need as a child.

All of this makes the holidays particularly isolating. Usually there's a friendsgiving, but one of those people went way over the line and I warned him when he crossed it. Tried to give him an out. He kept going. I told him to stop. Then was suprised when I called him on his shit and I lost two friends from that. Him and one other. I kept two other friends from that group. I should put context that they were my found family. This issue I think I posted about awhile ago....

Anyway. Then. Over the summer an amazing woman pursued me and when I told her I was on board ghosted me for weeks. We talked and got caught up. She told me she couldn't be in a relationship with me for the dumbest fucking reasons. When someone show's you who they are, believe them. Wanted to stay friends. I texted a couple times. Still waiting for a response from.. September I think. Lol.

In summary, I'm an unlovable person and each time I try it gets harder. I'm already aware I'm never getting married. I get it, it's ok. I would like to not have an empty funeral if you get what I'm saying. And more to the point I hate the holidays because of how isolating it is. Covid already makes things hard. Then.. Yeah. Fuck me.

I'm in my epilogue just waiting for the last page.

If someone were you give me a hug. I feel like I'm already a ghost. Live or dead wouldn't really change anything.

“All love is unrequited.”

— Susan Ivanova