Ariadnesforgotten - Don't Worry,I Hate Myself Too.

I've been joking, mostly to myself, that I'm a ghost. I don't really exist. When I go there will be no proof I existed, just some people talking about collective hallucinations.

came out swinging - the wonder years

I'm a skilled individual. I am engaging, intelligent and even a little charismatic.

What I'm not is lucky. Rolling the dice a lot and getting a couple wins is not the same as getting those two wins on two rolls.

There are things I'm not going to do in this life. There are a great many things that life will make sure is just up that hill. Call me Sisyphus.

I don't know how to not try. It hurts when I do. It hurts when I don't.

Other people certain things just fall in there lap.

Yes I'm jealous. I want to have fun. I want love. I wish the universe was just indifferent to me instead of against me.

I know it's bad when I'm staring off into nothing, just letting YouTube or whatever keep playing and I waste a day and notice it's still early. I just want it to be over.

Dating shouldn't be nearly as hard as it is. I've never had what anyone would call luck in the love department.

So I was a little taken back when a friend of a friend decided to contact me. We ended up talking a lot. Like a lot a lot. Hung out a couple times. Quite a few virtual dates. (2020 is a confusing time)

Going from talking everyday and having a date talking about what we want in a nesting partner to nothing is jarring. I know her dog was in bad health and she's going through her own battles. Sometimes no answer is an answer. We talked for a bit a few days ago but I'm getting the impression that I've been put on the back burner.

I hate that I'm never enough. I'm never good enough. I'm never worth it. I'm happy that I helped be an ice breaker for her to open up. You're welcome next person.

I just... Hate myself so much. It bleeds onto the things around me. Today was hard. Much harder than it needed to be. I'm not meant to be loved. The attention and affection i do get is not only alien, but feels like the universe teasing me. I know it won't go anywhere beside that fleeting moment. But fuck me. I want to die. Kill me. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm never going to be given a chance. I'm not built for me. What a sentence that is. Just let me die.

I stood up and defended a friend from a weird situation on the street the other day. The group was amazed. The trick is hoping to lose. The trick is wanting the end..

I'm in my epilogue and the universe won't let me even think of trying anything else. No new stories. No new connections. No nothing.

So there's this girl. I really like and care for her. We've been talking every day for months. Gone on a few dates. We have tons of chemistry. For context, I'm in my thirties I haven't had chemistry like this much in my life.

Three weeks ago we had talked about what we want our relationship to look like, boundaries, wants, life styles, we got into the weeds of things like what chores we prefer and hate.

We haven't really talked since. Last night she came out of hiding. We caught up a bit. She went over how she felt bad that we haven't talked because she has her own mental health stuff she wanted to recoup from. I brought up it was three weeks and she felt awful. She said that she thought it was only one. We caught up a bit and topic by topic went through things. I brought up the relationship stuff. She said we can go over that tomorrow (that being tonight) on our video chat date.

Yep, I'm getting broken up with someone over video conference. I give it a 5% chance that it goes positive. But yeah, after being ghosted for that long signs all point to one direction.

For history sake I want to bring up that this is the standard. Me and a girl like each other, talk a lot, I help them through things and they leave. It's been awhile though. Two or three years since the last one and that was a doozy. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I'm not worth trying just a little bit for if even considered at all.

Russian Doll (2019 - Present)

I did something like this fifteen years ago. We forgave each other this year. It was nice to reminisce about the past in a good way. That's extremely rare for me.

by later operator

**** I'm such a waste of human. I don't get it. I've been fighting this low, brought to you by my worthlessness, loneliness and depression for the past three weeks. This is much longer than most of my lows. When it gets back I get really itchy, when it gets to the bottom I start to feel like there's spiders on me, that's been happening every day.

This shouldn't be so hard. I'm distracted, I have serious head fog. I took a professional development course the other day and a section was about loneliness and suicide. That was funny. The entire time I'm thinking I'm not there I'm not there I'm not there... Yet.

Past couple days it's really been sinking in how I can't get ahead. How undesirable I am as a human being. How, I don't know. I'm actually a great guy. I'm funny and warm, I make space and time to those around me. In a case manager for a nonprofit, it's literally my job to take care of people. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm smart and have always been known for being thoughtful and having a good perspective.

None of that matters. I wish I was born an idiot. Heard the joke about how life and soccer are the same? I didn't want to but my mom made me.

I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I have no future and my death would be mourned by three people. I have a large net of a social group. Three people. And I'm being generous on the third.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more. I'm such a loser.

I was... Familiar with the grief box? There's a box in your head for the horror you've been through. In each box there's a button and a bouncing ball. When the ball hits the button you get to feel grief and pain. Over time the ball shrinks, but never goes away.

It's not like I was abandoned this time. But it looks like a duck in the distance, and stinks of a duck, but is walking only a little like a duck. Maybe I won't be fully abandoned this time.

I'm just not strong enough. I wrote my first draft of my note. I usually feel a little better after doing that. It's weird, I know. This time it felt different. It's a good thing my state has real good gun control. Too bad there's other ways.

I'm not allowed to be fulfilled. Not allowed to be happy. I am allowed grief and trauma. Parents made sure of that.

Not like I have a future. I barely have a present. You should read Midnight Nation. I think if it wasn't for one person I would have slipped through to that side.

Nobody cares. Nobody. Why would they? They have good lives. I'm stuck. They have all moved on. I'm stuck. That's a good way of putting it, but like most quick phrases it misses nuance.

I'm in the back of a concrete mixing truck. If I stop moving, stop the drum from spinning, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. If I try to get out, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. So I'm alone walking in that drum. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to care. Why would they? I'm not even sure I'm human.

-C

Finally had the other shoe drop. My friends think I'm dramatic when I talk about my history when it comes to romance. I'm not being dramatic I'm just going to die alone.

She went through the reasons she wants to date me but decided on not continuing. By her own words she should be dating me. But won't.

History repeats itself. Day late buck short, story of my life. She really wanted to get into the weeds and try to pad herself because she really likes me and doesn't want me to be hurt. She kept going over a couple of the same point so I had to let her know it's ok.

Awhile back I found a picture of me from forever ago and sent it to her because it's a funny picture. She made comments about if we had met then she would have made sure we dated because I'm her type. I joked that wouldn't have happened and every time she asked why I gave her joke answers.

Fast forward to tonight and her trying to get us on the same page. I reminded her of that conversation and told her the real answer. That it didn't matter when or under what circumstances we met, *this* would have still happened. She understood where I was coming from.

This isn't the first, won't be the last time a girl can and wants to be with me and chooses not to.

My friends joke that I'm a fatalist. It's usually after I make a prediction and it comes horribly true.

I'm going to die alone. I'm going to live alone. And when I die there will be three people that will care. Well, probably two, that third friend doesn't take care of his body very well...

I think one of the big things is that I'm at a point in my life where I'm just waiting to die. There isn't a future for me, not really. Just the same thing every day and then death. Fun.