I Was... Familiar With The Grief Box? There's A Box In Your Head For The Horror You've Been Through.

I was... Familiar with the grief box? There's a box in your head for the horror you've been through. In each box there's a button and a bouncing ball. When the ball hits the button you get to feel grief and pain. Over time the ball shrinks, but never goes away.

It's not like I was abandoned this time. But it looks like a duck in the distance, and stinks of a duck, but is walking only a little like a duck. Maybe I won't be fully abandoned this time.

I'm just not strong enough. I wrote my first draft of my note. I usually feel a little better after doing that. It's weird, I know. This time it felt different. It's a good thing my state has real good gun control. Too bad there's other ways.

I'm not allowed to be fulfilled. Not allowed to be happy. I am allowed grief and trauma. Parents made sure of that.

Not like I have a future. I barely have a present. You should read Midnight Nation. I think if it wasn't for one person I would have slipped through to that side.

Nobody cares. Nobody. Why would they? They have good lives. I'm stuck. They have all moved on. I'm stuck. That's a good way of putting it, but like most quick phrases it misses nuance.

I'm in the back of a concrete mixing truck. If I stop moving, stop the drum from spinning, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. If I try to get out, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. So I'm alone walking in that drum. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to care. Why would they? I'm not even sure I'm human.

-C

Tags

kill me im tired epilogue i'm ready to die unlovable i'm garbage i'm worthless can i hire a hitman to kill me note done homework on how done

More Posts from Ariadnesforgotten and Others

ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

Feel free to talk 💓

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

**** I'm such a waste of human. I don't get it. I've been fighting this low, brought to you by my worthlessness, loneliness and depression for the past three weeks. This is much longer than most of my lows. When it gets back I get really itchy, when it gets to the bottom I start to feel like there's spiders on me, that's been happening every day.

This shouldn't be so hard. I'm distracted, I have serious head fog. I took a professional development course the other day and a section was about loneliness and suicide. That was funny. The entire time I'm thinking I'm not there I'm not there I'm not there... Yet.

Past couple days it's really been sinking in how I can't get ahead. How undesirable I am as a human being. How, I don't know. I'm actually a great guy. I'm funny and warm, I make space and time to those around me. In a case manager for a nonprofit, it's literally my job to take care of people. I'm reasonably good looking. I'm smart and have always been known for being thoughtful and having a good perspective.

None of that matters. I wish I was born an idiot. Heard the joke about how life and soccer are the same? I didn't want to but my mom made me.

I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I have no future and my death would be mourned by three people. I have a large net of a social group. Three people. And I'm being generous on the third.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do any more. I'm such a loser.

Tags

kill me Depression suicidal unlovable i'm garbage

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

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ariadnesforgotten

2 years ago

This has been a rough year, in a rough life. I make light of it, but I really do feel like I'm living my epilogue. The plot threads were taken care of. Life isn't really giving me any new ones. I'm ready to die.

Tags

kill me im tired epilogue i'm ready to die i'm garbage i'm worthless

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

I feel like this person most the time. Alone, moving different than everyone else. I have perspective on everyone, but incapable of joining.

Tags

epilogue i'm garbage i'm worthless

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ariadnesforgotten

4 years ago

I did something like this fifteen years ago. We forgave each other this year. It was nice to reminisce about the past in a good way. That's extremely rare for me.