I Just... Hate Myself So Much. It Bleeds Onto The Things Around Me. Today Was Hard. Much Harder Than

“All love is unrequited.”

— Susan Ivanova

I've been joking, mostly to myself, that I'm a ghost. I don't really exist. When I go there will be no proof I existed, just some people talking about collective hallucinations.

came out swinging - the wonder years

I feel like this person most the time. Alone, moving different than everyone else. I have perspective on everyone, but incapable of joining.

I was... Familiar with the grief box? There's a box in your head for the horror you've been through. In each box there's a button and a bouncing ball. When the ball hits the button you get to feel grief and pain. Over time the ball shrinks, but never goes away.

It's not like I was abandoned this time. But it looks like a duck in the distance, and stinks of a duck, but is walking only a little like a duck. Maybe I won't be fully abandoned this time.

I'm just not strong enough. I wrote my first draft of my note. I usually feel a little better after doing that. It's weird, I know. This time it felt different. It's a good thing my state has real good gun control. Too bad there's other ways.

I'm not allowed to be fulfilled. Not allowed to be happy. I am allowed grief and trauma. Parents made sure of that.

Not like I have a future. I barely have a present. You should read Midnight Nation. I think if it wasn't for one person I would have slipped through to that side.

Nobody cares. Nobody. Why would they? They have good lives. I'm stuck. They have all moved on. I'm stuck. That's a good way of putting it, but like most quick phrases it misses nuance.

I'm in the back of a concrete mixing truck. If I stop moving, stop the drum from spinning, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. If I try to get out, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. So I'm alone walking in that drum. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to care. Why would they? I'm not even sure I'm human.

-C

This has been a rough year, in a rough life. I make light of it, but I really do feel like I'm living my epilogue. The plot threads were taken care of. Life isn't really giving me any new ones. I'm ready to die.

If someone were you give me a hug. I feel like I'm already a ghost. Live or dead wouldn't really change anything.

I'm a skilled individual. I am engaging, intelligent and even a little charismatic.

What I'm not is lucky. Rolling the dice a lot and getting a couple wins is not the same as getting those two wins on two rolls.

There are things I'm not going to do in this life. There are a great many things that life will make sure is just up that hill. Call me Sisyphus.

I don't know how to not try. It hurts when I do. It hurts when I don't.

Other people certain things just fall in there lap.

Yes I'm jealous. I want to have fun. I want love. I wish the universe was just indifferent to me instead of against me.

I know it's bad when I'm staring off into nothing, just letting YouTube or whatever keep playing and I waste a day and notice it's still early. I just want it to be over.