Steve: *Walks In*

This post is gonna get serious. I wanna talk about Tony's death in the MCU and how I was affect by it and my past.

Trigger warning: I'm gonna be talking about PTSD, death, depression, and overall a lot of heavy stuff. If this stuff bothers you, you should skip this post. I have plenty other posts that are more for humor or fanfiction.

Tony's death.

This rocked me to my core. I cried when he spoke his last words and how he ended his arc the way he did. I cried cause the character who brought me into the MCU had left it after all this time. I had cried for the character who had become so important to me, only to cry all over again when Steve decided to leave too. Both goodbyes that were from important parts of my Marvel experience were gone like that.

It was a perfect, tragic, ending for both characters. The pain and loss, to the end of their arcs showing how much they changed.

The thing is though, seeing Tony's death, and Steve's choice to leave, had me mentally and emotionally shut down the first time I watched those scenes. I had been lost unconsciously to the past, back to the moment that still haunts me today.

I have PTSD. And my trauma came from my grandfather passing away when I was four. It was traumatic, loud, messy, and lots of crying from my mother. The only person I had to call 'dad' was simply gone in mere seconds.

He past away in my mother's arms, and from the way my mom can remember he was also coughing blood. His lung cancer finally caught up to him.

When children are exposed to stimulation it is already so much for them, every experience being many things: an inconvenience being the end of the world, a new little fact being a huge joy, every experience is learning how the world is. But in terms of trauma? It's greater damage to the mind as a kid compared to an adult.

I had watched my grandfather pass away, got stuck in the loud chaos, and had been unable to process what just happened. I only knew that he wasn't coming back, and that answer only left me empty.

After this moment things changed a lot for me. It was made worst when my mother had to hospitalized for three days sometime after this event. This was another thing that had sent me into a deep form of hurt. I cried hard at my mother's disappearance. I thought I was being abandoned, left alone in a world I still can't understand today.

I had lost a parental figure in my life, thought I was being abandoned sometime later, and was unable to process anything. I only knew the facts, I couldn't do anything beyond that. Any emotions I should have been feeling wasn't there. I didn't feel anything. It was like I didn't know how anymore, I only could feel apathetic. Like I was shunning away the moment.

It was the start of my mental decline.

Tony became an important character for me as he was the hero who felt real, one I could find myself in the same sort of spot with regarding pain.

Every time I see a character I've grown so attached to die, I remember the first time it ever happened. Then I dissociate to cope with the trauma, emotions disappearing into numbness, and I can't watch anymore.

The pain of watching real tragic deaths or of fiction that I've come so attached to, it sends me into a twisted mess. It also happens with goodbyes. Seeing someone or something for the last time, never seeing them again, also sends me back. The feelings of loss and abandonment causing me to push things or people away.

When Tony died on screen I had been left numb, I had left the theater wanting nothing more than to curled up in a ball on my bed and sleep. Forgetting about the moment I watched him die.

I wouldn't get to fully process my trauma till this year. I wouldn't get to the moment of processing till now.

Tony's death, Steve leaving, and the pain left behind was too much for me to handle. Now though I can say that it was tragic but also a beautiful end to their respective arcs. I can't watch certain parts of the movies again for reasons, but I'm able to watch the movies again as I'm now moving forward. I can watch knowing that this time I can finally watch the series and accept each goodbye that happens. I can allow myself to process the emotions I feel freely, letting them come and simply be.

I write this post as a form of my own little therapy. A way of sharing my story to those who might need it and those who need to hear this:

You are not alone in your grief. You are not alone in your pain. Pain comes to everyone and it varies on the person how they respond to that pain. Depression, anxiety, PTSD, these are common disabilities that are found in a large percentage of people. I used to think nobody would understand, but overtime I realized that pain is universal.

When I began to heal I learned that it's okay to be vulnerable, to be weak. To allow yourself the chance to express the emotions held inside out. Feeling those emotions freely is what helped me move forward, but it may be different for you.

What Marvel has helped me to do is learn that it's okay to be human. We are a mess, but we learn together how to be better. Not everyone is nice, not everyone is mean. We are simply people. As we heal from trauma we see those around us differently, unable to go back to the mindset in the past. We can also see those who have similar mindsets to are own.

In conclusion: Tony's death hurt me and pushed hard at an old scar. The pain came and I allowed it to be. I learned to move forward, and learned from Marvel that all you can do is move forward. Tony's death had left the universe safe, Steve leaves behind a legacy and passed down his shield to Falcon. And I learn to come to terms of what happened years ago now.

I wanted to share this in hopes of those who need it see it. And I hope maybe that you, the person reading, have taken something from this post. A person who understands or possibly a new perspective on something.

I hope that you remember that you deserve to be loved, that you are not alone in pain or grief, and that you are amazing.

Bru I just can't... How does he look so adorable!!!!!

Zee with loose hair, what have I done 😱😳

don't ask me how I did it

I want to cry with emotion🥹

i want to do it again

Free to use but credit pls

Marvel Prompt~

(Loki is sitting on the floor of the common room facing the window, deep in concentration. Constantly fidgeting around, scratching at his arm absent mindedly. Tony and Clint walk into the room.)

Tony:Lokes? What are you doing on the floor?

(Loki didn't answer, not even appearing to hear Tony at all. Sharing a look with Clint he tries once more. Still, Loki doesn't answer. Clint walked carefully into Loki's field of vision before getting closer, then he gently taps on the mage when he still doesn't seem to notice him. Loki startles.)

Clint: Sorry! Sorry, didn't mean to make you jump. Just wanted to know if your okay?

Loki: *Confused* I... I am fine, really. But what made you think I wasn't?

Tony: *Walking over* You were staring out the window at nothing with a look. We thought you had something on your mind that was bothering you.

(Loki paused, considered it, then blushed slightly in embarrassment.)

Loki: *voice slightly quieter* I was trying to remember what I forgot, that I was supposed to remember, but I can't remember. My head feels... Full. Yet, it feels full but also feels like it's empty. Different things seem to be too much right now, things are louder without any logical reason, and I just can't seem to start any of my tasks. I can barely focus on getting these words out coherently.

(Clint and Tony turned to one another, a rapid and clear conversation passing within seconds by mere eye contact. Tony faces Loki and asks him a question.)

Tony: Loki, I think I might have a clue what is wrong but I need to ask what might seem to be a random question. Is it ever hard for you to sit completely still? Like, without fidgeting at all?

Loki: *head tilt* People can actually sit like that?

(Tony and Clint recommend Loki to take a few tests in order to confirm their suspicions. It didn't take much to confirm that Loki in fact had ADHD like them.)

(Finding out he had ADHD, Loki found a few answers for things he would do in the past. The emotional dysregulation, anger issues, body dysmorphia, and ect, made a lot of Loki's past more easier to understand why he did things the way he did. It also probably didn't help that his family was already dysfunctional as it was.)

Loki:... Up side is, I now know I have potentially MORE power if I am able to manage my disorder! I maybe unstoppable now! Villains shall face my fury!!!!

Small Marvel Prompts ( ⁠•͈⁠ᴗ⁠•͈⁠)

IronHawk Edition!

Angst

'Consuming all the air inside my lungs. Ripping all the skin off my bones, I'm prepared to sacrifice my life. I would gladly do it twice.' "Tony is ready to sacrifice himself to save the people he swore to protect and the people he cares for. A certain Hawk isn't going to let him go however."

'I love you, but I can't find my words.' "Both Tony and Clint like each other deeply, however, it is just that they don't know how to say or show it. The miscommunication leads to them confusing or offending the other. Only words written can express what is meant to be said."

Hurt/Comfort

'Only love can hurt like this.' "Tony asks Clint out for date only to be rejected. Clint thought it was a prank, a joke for jest, but learns from Natasha that Tony really does like him. Clint returns with an apology, genuine feels, and a bouquet of roses."

'If you love them, let them go.' "Clint gets hurt in battle after Tony fails to save him from being defenestrate. Tony leaves with a note left behind, it saying he lets Clint go from the relationship and an apology. Clint wakes up and chases Tony down, unwilling to let Tony go due to being deeply in love with him.

Fluff

'A simple mistake can sometimes be a good thing' "Clint ends up being cursed with cat ears and a tail, gaining some animalistic traits as well. He is moody and irritated to everyone, but is clingy and loving to only Tony. Clint really likes Tony."

'Sometimes I just want a hug... Sometimes I want to cuddle.' "Tony has been working for days straight, dealing with wannabe villains, and having to sort out several issues with different divisions in his company. He wants to sleep, but mostly craves a hug at this point. Clint decides to give Tony a full cuddle session, kidnapping him to his bedroom for comfort and sleep."

18+

'You look good when I carry you, but holding you against your desk... That's bliss.' "Clint loves to carry Tony bridal style often, taking the title 'knight in shining armor.' But he also likes to pin Tony up against the wall or his desk, gently caressing his body, and showing how much he loves Tony."

Fanfiction writers you may do as you please, just send me a link so I may enjoy the content you made please!!!! 🥺😀 (⁠✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)

Happy 2024 Pride Month everyone!

I know I haven't been posting like I used to, but I've been dealing with a bit of life stuff. Nothing bad, just general life things, such as ADHD and school.

I am so excited to celebrate this pride month and hope all of you feel proud to be yourself! Live authentic and be true my friends, and Happy Goddamn PRIDE MONTH!!!!

I finished coloring my art! Hopefully it doesn't look too horrible. Anyway, I am over COVID and so is my family!

It is also my birthday today! So finishing this, getting over sickness, and spending time with my family is the most greatest thing to happen!!!!

Enjoy the Ironhawk fanart!

I found this GLORIOUS are work for ironhawk shippers while digging for my ironhawk ship fix, and I thought to reblog it so others could find this amazing art! Also if someone writes a fanfiction based on this picture I'll love you forever 💖💖💖

Happy belated national cat day!

I agree, this was the first date... But Loki is right, he he was promised a drink first!

:D

Tony(after nearly dying from space): You ever tried shawarma? I don't know what it is, but I really want to try it.

Avengers(internally): *sighing in relief* Oh thank god! We atleast got a fancy date after fighting off an alien army and seeing this adorable self-sacrificial idiot almost die!!

Loki: I would like to remind all of you that I was promised a drink first.

*Thor shutting Loki up with manacles and a gag*