Reblog And Put In The Tags How You Would Die If Your URL Predicted Your Death

I had two leopard geckos for years (RIP Boo and Penelope) and I never heard them scream! They were also fat and lazy af, so there’s that.

Also big mood. Reblog if you too are contemplating how to call in dead for work next week.

I was working upstairs when I hear one of our baby leopard geckos start screaming. Normally they only scream when threatened, but this particular guy screams at almost everything. Turns out there was a small fly in his cage that was bothering him.

Yes the fly was removed afterwards.

Unbothered MC

When I get yelled at by opposing counsel, I just stare blankly at them and say “okay” repeatedly til they feel stupid. It’s amazing would recommend 10/10.

You know that in-game scene where we danced with Lucifer in his demon form and he almost crushed our hand? Well, if there was an in-game option, I would've kicked him in his groin for threatening me & almost breaking my hand :p

YES!

I was wondering why the options were so tame 😭

Like where’s the option to pick a fight 🤣

Destroy his pride by destroying his ability to produce kids-

Ok let’s say all kids who want to go to college decide to join the military.

What y’all gonna do with all the kids with depression, or ADHD, or physical disabilities? They usually can’t enlist without a medical waiver, so what? You can’t go to college because you were born wrong, oops.

And what y’all gonna do when you have to train, arm, feed, and pay the salaries of millions of additional troops? And then pay for their college on top of that? Why don’t you save money and cut out the middle part, and just pay for the college?

Are y’all still gonna bitch about how China outpaces us in education and we don’t have a strong educated workforce, but you don’t want people to go to college unless they’re willing to get shot? Y’all gonna pretend this is a matter of “econ 101″ when you apparently didn’t sit through economics long enough to learn what a positive externality is?

It’s almost like conservatives react purely out of the spiteful attitude that “I had to pay for college/health care and it was hard for me, so everyone else must have to suffer as well.”

(edit: and I say this as someone with $200k debt from grad/law schools, and who would be fucking thrilled to see everyone younger than me go to school for free, and I’ll rant about that all day)

They didn’t specify positive qualities lol, time to use self deprecating humor that makes everyone uncomfortable!

Someone: "What are your qualities?"

Me: o_O

Me: "Y'all have these?"

An overwhelming hunger for the flesh of the rich.

what emotion does this piece of furniture evoke in you

This made me lol irl because one of the security guards at the building where I work gives out candy to people that he thinks matches their personality (mostly hard candies, I think, so no sour patch kids sadly).

I always get Fireballs. I am also a shameless Lucifer stan. Make of this what you will.

Also cow tails remind me of my dad, who literally used to purchase them by the pound before he decided to cut out sugar. And also, like Belphie, he is a sweet guy who will 100% cut you.

So your analysis is spot on, bravo and I love you and I am so sad I already ate all the candy I was supposed to give away last night.

In the spirit of Halloween

I don't know if it's been done before, but I was thinking about what the boys would be if they were a kind of candy. And this is honestly the first thing that comes to mind for with each of them.

🍬 Lucifer - Red Hots (or Hot Tamales), because come on. How could you think of Lucifer and not think of this candy? Its red, its spicy, and can be an acquired taste. And for some people, they wish they were brave enough to try it.

🍬 Mammon - Sour Patch Kids, first they're sour then they're sweet. This pretty much describes Mammon. He is sour when you first meet him, wanting as little to do with you as possible, then becomes super gushy and sweet.

🍬 Leviathan - Pop Rocks, at first Levi might not seem like much. Boring, standoffish, or even overrated. But once you actually try him you will see there is more to him than you thought, and you had actually been missing out. There is even a surprising sweetness there.

🍬 Satan - Jawbreakers, so this one took some more thought. But Satan as a character is one that shouldn't be underestimated whether you like him or not. Satan takes some getting through the layers before it's safe to find that sweetness he hides inside. Try too soon, and you could end up with a broken tooth.

🍬 Asmodeus - Skittles, because DUH! Colorful, fruity, and everyone loves them. Never go out of style, and you can take them anywhere. They are also adaptable to any and all tastes, as they come in so many different flavors.

🍬 Beelzebub - Peach Rings, because they are super sweet but a lot of people don't try them. They are kind of generic and boring-looking compared to other candy that you have to choose from. But when you do give them a try, they are so sweet that before you know it you have eaten the entire package. Then you want more. Whoops, now you're Beel.

🍬 Belphegor - Cow tails, because they look kind of like another candy but the wrapper is really frustrating to get off in order to get to the chocolatey bit. But once you do- WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU ONLY GETTING THEM IN YOUR LIFE NOW!?

And if you’re really worried about stress eating or being unhealthy during the pandemic, you can do better things than shit yourself silly after drinking whatever diet tea you saw on Instagram. Besides the fact that they don’t work, a lot of diet programs you find on social media will either harm you (because they’re extremely restrictive or call for taking some unregulated supplement containing hell knows what) or your wallet (because when you order a program they’ll steal your credit card number or sign you up for some autoship mess).

Go for a walk, do some yoga, play with a dog, make something healthy but tasty, like an omelet with veggies or pancakes with fruit (yeah, I love breakfast food, come at me bro). Doing these things might not even make you lose weight, but they will make you feel good.

Or engage in my favorite form of self care, dousing yourself in Vaseline and sliming around the floor while you play at being a slug.

You don’t owe it to anybody, at any time, and especially not during a global pandemic, to be a certain size or shape. You are making it through an unprecedented disaster and that makes you a certified fucking badass.

I love you all and I support you in doing whatever you gotta do, you rock star.

Diet companies will be hitting hard this year. Be prepared to hear repeated sentiments of “It’s time to get rid of that Quarantine 15” and “In these hard times, commit to taking care of yourself with healthy living and weight loss.”

This rhetoric is going to be everywhere. And due to the nature of modern advertising, the vast majority of it will be coming from people online who just look like they’re trying to share some good advice with the followers that they love so much. You’ll barely be able to see the money getting thrown at them from the weight loss industry.

Don’t reward them for using these manipulation techniques - Buying their products and losing weight isn’t going to make your year any better, or erase the stress of the pandemic, or be the first step in self-care.

Please please please see these ads for what they are - A way of preying on your insecurity and trauma in order to make money.

This was way more fun than it had any right to be.

Why no I’m not spending my Sunday night drinking beer and playing on Picrew, I’m a normal grown-ass adult

Everyone stop what you’re doing and create a magical you with this picrew

@thechaoscult @pluto-is-real @goswlogpncmcrfobpjstltruaqhtma42 @everyone

But most comedians are hopelessly depressed, so I’m already well-qualified!

As a child I really wanted to be a comedian, but then I realized you have to actually be funny

Sometimes when I had a student intern, I’d bring them to court and let them sit at the counsel table with me to help me run exhibits/give me documents and such. I would often lean over and ask things like, “so, what question would you ask next?” or “is that question objectionable?” as a learning exercise.

But I’m glad I never had a private client, because looking at it from the outside, it 100 percent would have looked like I was pulling a Phoenix Wright.