If You Don’t Listen To This Song To Hype Yourself Up Before A Run

Is this the time to admit that I dropped a pat of butter on the ground tonight and still used it to cook dinner?

I washed the dirt off of it I promise?

Beelzebub is adorable and is holding my heart hostage, but no one can tell me he wouldn't eat something he just dropped on the ground

Beel: who's on dinner duty tonight?

Satan: that would be mammon.

Satan: he should be here right about-

Mammon, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table: GUESS WHAT WE'RE HAVING FOR DINNER

I cannot have children because I envisage the following conversation between myself and their teacher:

Teacher: Little Zeke called Little Polly a “goatfucking twatface” today, do you know where they learned that?

Me: Well, was the bitch playing like a goatfucking twatface? I don’t know what your fucking problem is.

if my son is stealing pies off windowsills its because i taught him to do that bitch 

I had two leopard geckos for years (RIP Boo and Penelope) and I never heard them scream! They were also fat and lazy af, so there’s that.

Also big mood. Reblog if you too are contemplating how to call in dead for work next week.

I was working upstairs when I hear one of our baby leopard geckos start screaming. Normally they only scream when threatened, but this particular guy screams at almost everything. Turns out there was a small fly in his cage that was bothering him.

Yes the fly was removed afterwards.

In the immortal words of Queen Bey:

And in the immortal words of JoJo:

LEAVE

GET OUT

MC’s from 2020 be like: How can you not like someone who will put you out of this miserable cesspool of existence? 

Some ppl: How can you like this character?! He tried (succeeded) to kill MC!

Me: Bruh... I am from Brasil... I've seen things... Too many.

I’m from the same part of NC and I agree

I WILL END YOU IF YOU USE CHICKEN BREAST FOR CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS

DON’T YOU FUCKING FORGET IT

Grandma poison water SNAPPED

I have so many questions.

Does the author think boobs are like testicles, and they get all wrinkly and drawn in if it’s cold? Is sperm stored in the boob?

Do Madeline’s nipples also get droopy, like sad puppy dog eyes?

Speaking of puppies, can she wag her titties when she’s happy?

Does she have sad day bras and happy day bras? Did she throw out all her push-up bras and buy a Patton Oswalt album to listen to before a hot date?

Why are men?

I know we’ve already read a lot of “men writing women” crap, but I am absolutely losing my mind at this passage

me: *gets depressed*

my breasts:

English is the language that beats up other languages in the locker room and steals their lunch money vocabulary and grammar

Modest proposal: we let the billionaires keep their obscene tax cuts, but in exchange we guillotine one for the Super Bowl halftime show every year.