Thinking About How When You Experience A Lot Of Shame In Your Formative Years (indirectly, Directly,

thinking about how when you experience a lot of shame in your formative years (indirectly, directly, as abuse or just as an extant part of your environment) it becomes really difficult to be perceived by other people in general. the mere concept of someone watching me do anything, whether it's a totally normal activity or something unfamiliar of embarrassing, whether I'm working in an excel spreadsheet or being horny on main, it just makes my skin crawl and my brain turn to static because I cannot convince myself that it's okay to be seen and experienced. because to exist is to be ashamed and embarrassed of myself, whether I'm failing at something or not, because my instinctive reaction to anyone commenting on ANYTHING I'm doing is to crawl into a hole and die. it's such a bizarre and dehumanizing feeling to just not be able to exist without constantly thinking about how you are being Perceived. ceaseless watcher give me a god damn break.

More Posts from Azrael08 and Others

1 year ago

Don't get me wrong, Odo totally loves the cat and mouse game he and Quark have, loves that he and Quark get to play around as Lawful officer and Mischievous Criminal. However, I do think that if he ever ended up in some alternate reality where Quark was a goody-two shoes who listens to Odo's rules and stays out of trouble it would for sure be Odo's personal wet-dream :)


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1 year ago

I think the real reason they couldn’t have Cas in the ‘Dog Dean Afternoon’ episode is because he would just pet Dean the entire time and the case would never get solved cause Dean just melts whenever cas scratches that very specific spot right behind his ear.


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1 year ago

Genuinely believe they'd start barking if someone got too flirty or touchy with their cat-coded boyfriends <3 Then just smile and nuzzle them close like nothing ever happened, meanwhile Sam and Cas are like "TF was that???"

If the fandom agreed with me on the idea that it does not matter what they look like they'd act like in a relationship, Dean & Gabriel would follow their boyfriends Castiel & Sam like dogs and absolutely would follow them any time they leave a room no matter why. Gabriel would even whine if Sam was going to the bathroom and didn't let him in. Dean would hover if Castiel made food and practically beg for some. Like he'd start doing tricks.

Can the world agree with me I think this'd be a nice little tidbit


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1 year ago

So, I was on my daily re-watch of 15x08 and I got to the part of the episode where they catch Michael and do their whole interrogation scene. Was watching the part where Dean starts saying to Adam “There’s nothing we can say to fix that-” and then Adam gives him the look and says “How about, I’m sorry” yes yes very sad, but I’m about to make it hurt more.

I noticed that Adam dead-stares Dean in this scene, when Michael puts him in control earlier in the scene he’s like normal Adam, fair-going and happiy-ish. But when it gets to this part he just looses all that and just lets his words really get through to Dean (and Sam off screen).

So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael

But then Dean does this little pull back thing and call me crazy but that totally looks like the classic ‘Dean, I can’t admit my actual feelings, Winchester’ face.

Taking in Adam’s words face:

So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael

Realising he can’t say I’m sorry face:

So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael

Don’t get me wrong, I do think Sam and Dean regret leaving Adam in the cage but they’ve forgotten about him, or at least they thought he died in the cage but it’s only now that Adam is actually here in front of them that they want to do the morally ‘right’ thing and say sorry. But they can’t, not truthfully, because Adam will always be a reminder that John Winchester failed them at being a parent. That he was unfaithful to them and Mary and lied to them everyday.

So that’s Dean’s realisation in this moment right. And Adam probably saw that realisation by looking at Dean’s face. But then before he can say anything else Michael forcefully takes the front seat again.

I mean look at this sequence:

So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael
So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael
So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael
So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael

“Enough.”

Mans is in distress

And the fact that we haven’t seen Michael take control of their body like this before, never this aggressively anyway, leads me to think that something is different about this moment.

My guess is that when Adam realised Dean wasn’t going to apologise and own up for his and Sam’s actions, he got this overwhelming wave of emotion. Mainly disappointment, he knew that his brothers were awful and doesn’t forgive them for leaving him behind but he was willing to. He was willing to get some closure about their actions but they weren’t, and that’s hurts. Michael probably saw these thoughts, heard them, heard exactly how much underlying anger and pain that Adam had been hiding and it was all just now bubbling to the surface.

So Michael - the notoriously emotionally stunned Archangel he is, who already hated Dean viscerally - quickly wanted to calm Adam down and ease the pain that was going to explode any second but now Dean’s upsetting Adam!? Michael probably freaked and just shoved Adam to the back seat while he took control. Which is why his reaction was so extra because he didn’t tell Adam he was taking over he just did. Because he didn’t want Adam to hurt anymore than he already has.

So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael
So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael
So, I Was On My Daily Re-watch Of 15x08 And I Got To The Part Of The Episode Where They Catch Michael

Like even Dean knew something was up, he looks them up and down and turns away like “nah, Adam’s boyfriend gone crazy y’all I’m out”


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1 year ago

For the public's consideration:


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1 year ago

Love when a fandom shifts from calling characters Boyfriend's or Girlfriends in posts to calling them Husbands and Wives, its as if they actually got married at some point and we all just missed it

"His husband-" Omg congratulations! so sad I missed the ceremony I was doing my exams <3

"Her wife-" Hope the happy couple likes my wedding gift when it comes in the mail <3


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1 year ago

Insanity, think about the good ending where Adam comes back and after their reunion and after they settle into ‘normal’ life together, the second Adam says something along the lines of “Michael your like a powerful archangel wouldn’t you rather be in heaven and stuff, I’m sure you don’t want to be hanging around in my bod-” and Michael just kisses him right then and there. Holds Adam’s neck and head to keep him in place, to make sure he knows that there is no where in the entire universe he would rather be than with Adam, here, in his hold and comfort. Because no matter how strong or above humanity he is, he can never be whole again without Adam.

He can’t be Michael without his Adam.

ohhhh my god thinking about midam again and how after adam died and it was just michael left in their body it probably felt like there was too much room. like putting on a shirt that’s suddenly too big when you know it was the right size a moment ago. or like returning home to find that all the furniture in the house has been taken.


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3 months ago

Thinking about if other species becoming insanely obsessed with random parts of human history because it's just so VAST and there's so much. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that other events like the first contact with the Aksani, the Barkonian renaissance, the whole federation-Eminian 'poison saliva dinner' fiasco, or the Lokirrim-Iconian-Risian trading war were all very interesting.

But I can't help but imagine the endless hilarity that involves something like a group of Andorian teens all being like:

"Did you know that there used to be other types of human sub-species living on earth billions and billions of years ago? Yeah! they were called like knee-an-do-thals and erik-toss or something" "Really? So, it was like the human version of Aenar on their planet?" "I guess so yeah" "So, what happened to them?" "The ancient humans killed them all." "..." "..."

"...maybe...on second thought, we should help Anika with her biology project after all."


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1 year ago

BRO THANK YOU SO MUCH

Poor, sweet, innocent Sam Winchester: “Maybe I could try to say the prayer again and you can tell me which part I did wrong? Ok here it goes. Oh great Loki-”

Gabriel, Vibrating because he’s using so much restraint that part of his true form begins appearing around him and the lights in the bunker start flickering: *Tackles him to the ground* “The prayer is fine.”

BRO THANK YOU SO MUCH

Desperately craving more Sabriel content guys, i need to inject them into my blood stream seriously.


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1 year ago

Currently obsessing over the idea of Michael and Adam getting separated (Like Michael leaving the vessel for whatever reason, maybe a case or something???) and Adam gets hurt or like tortured and Michael just goes fucking FERAL.

Like, they might be helping the Winchesters and Castiel out for once, just cause they need like Michael’s power or something, but then Adam and him get split from each and Adam gets kidnapped by these monsters who like beat the shit out of him and finally Michael finds them and once Michael sees what they’ve done to Adam he just- looses his fucking shit. I’m talking smiting all the monsters, breaking the windows, bursting bulbs and probably ruptures the sound barrier for a sec.

And then after all this damage he quickly goes over to Adam and cradles him so softly and with such gentle care he heals all his wounds and soothes him and asks if he’s okay and then re-posses him so he can wrap himself back around Adam’s soul and find peace again. All the while Dean, Sam, and Cas just watch on like tf happened? Two seconds ago you were ready to kill everything within sight???


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azrael08 - One Zesty Motherfucker
One Zesty Motherfucker

Any Pronouns - Aussie 🇦🇺🦘- Queer of a sort(?)🤨

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