Humans Are Space Orcs - Blog Posts

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For some reason, I wonder what aliens think of sky diving, I like to think like this (H is human) (A is alien)

A: human... I did some research, and I have a question

H: Sure, ask away

A: What is "sky diving"

H: Oh, it's a sport where we get in a plane, fly very high... And jump

A:YOU WHAT!?!

H: We jump, but don't worry, we can land safely

A: oh thank god... So, you use some kind of gravitation device? Or use some technological device to land slowly?

H: Uhhh, not exactly....

A: .... Human... What exactly do you use....

H: ...

A: Human, what... Exactly... Do you use?

H: a backpack with a bunch of fabric... Sometimes silk....

A: ...

H: ...

A: YOU USE CLOTHING, TO STOP YOUR FALL, AFTER JUMPING OFF SEVERAL THOUSAND FEET UP!?

H: Yeah, but it's a different kind of fabric you know...

A: ... Okay, but what do you do if the fabric breaks, or if it gets tangled

H: ... Enjoy the view?

A: ... I still don't know why you aren't extinct

“Life Pod 37″

I can’t decide if I loved or hated this chapter. I suffered a lot, yes, but it was awesome > - <

Side note: I thought Adam was on the shuttle. I was surprised later.

From my now-favourite piece of original work:

Humans are weird, by @starr-fall-knight-rise

       Master post: https://starr-fall-knight-rise.tumblr.com/post/182501791735/master-post

        in-progress novel adaptation: https://www.wattpad.com/user/starrfallknightrise 

“Outside the S.S. Stabby”

Feat. Captain Adam Vir and Convict (or just Conn).

Humans are weird, by @starr-fall-knight-rise

Master post: https://starr-fall-knight-rise.tumblr.com/post/182501791735/master-post

in-progress novel adaptation: https://www.wattpad.com/user/starrfallknightrise 

Art by me :)

A human crewmate, Mia, held a long thin box. It seemed to have paper and plastic peices inside, based on the sound. A puzzle perhaps? A few other crewmates trailed behind them.

"Hey Bob! Wanna join us? We're playing Clue, it's a board game from earth."

Bob nodded and joined the others trailing after Mia. He had no idea what a 'board game' was, but it seemed fun. They eventually all gathered around a table in the cafeteria.

"Okay, so it's a murder mystery and we have to figure out who killed Mr. Body. We're all possible suspe-" Mia started to set up the board and explain, but was cut off by Jli'yan.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but why do humans have a game centered on murder and distrust?"

"Cause it's fun, thrilling. Good for poker face practice." Kaya answered, shuffling cards. They then nodded towards Mia to continue explaining.

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“Okay, I know I said to take the cheapest flight we could find, but I'm starting to have… thoughts” said a spindly alien to another, both holding suitcases. Said ‘cheapest flight’ was sphere shaped and literally rolled up to the station, sounding like a speeding remote control car. “Hello hello,” said a voice with no source. “Apologies for our improper greeting, but we need to make sure you don't have any potentially deadly diseases for any of our other guests or staff” A door, slightly rounded, suddenly opened and dropped down to become a ramp. A biped in a head to toe gray spacesuit walked down and pointed a scanner at them. “Alright, you’re all good! Welcome aboard!” The biped took off their helmet to reveal a smiling human face, and gestured toward the entrance. The two spindly aliens looked at eachother, one shrugged and the other smiled tensely, then walked into the ship.

~Extra~ “Did you see the new passengers? They look like endermen, all lanky and made of void” Mia gushed. She immediately went and found Kaya after letting said new passengers in and handing them off to the hostess.

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"that's literally impossible for me to pronounce, I'm calling you Bob now." The new human, Mia, stated looking at the repair man of the ship. "Y'know, like Bob The Builder?"

The newly dubbed 'Bob' did not infact know. Their technician, another human named Kaya, seemed to find this amusing.

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Humans can be heard yelling from one of the bedrooms. An alien crewmate, nicknamed Bob, goes to check it out, fearing the worst.

"plus 4, Uno."

"you bitch!"

the humans are gathered in a circle on the ground with colorful cards. one of them notices him.

"oh hey Bob, wanna join us? we're playing Uno."

Bob shakes his head and backs out of the room carefully.

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part2

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Humans are weird

Hey there demons, it's ya Boi. I have no thoughts, head empty but that brings me to my point. How much of social media is just mindless thoughts? Like really why do we do this, do aliens do this? Just randomly talk about anything to complete strangers. Would they find it weird? Find out thoughts weird? Just imagine the senario, trying to show an alien your phone and then bringing up the topic of social media.

Alien: So you just say things and people listen?

Human: well yes but only certain things, like funny shit or fun ideas. No one likes to listen to the stupid things we read

Alien: then why read it if it's bad? Why not ignore it or not look?

Human: well some people just have the need to argue and we like to watch, it's funny to laugh at stupid people. But we mainly just look at cat videos, here look at this one-

Alien: You watch those willingly?! They are royalty where I am from!! You should pay money for this!!!

Human in a quiet voice:….. I fucking knew it.

Humans are weird

School. I hate it, I think everyone does. Imagine if school was actually fun and we actually wanted to learn stuff. But imagine if aliens didn't do school, what if they just kinda learned everything as they grew up. Imagine how confused they'd be when they saw children being forced to go to places they don't want to and sit there for 6 hours.

Alien: where does the smaller humans go during the day?

Human: oh to school

Alien: ... School?

Human: yeah where he goes to learn? The teachers there teach him science, math, and English. Do you not have that?

Alien: no, our parents teach us all we need to know and then when we leave we learn the skills we need from others

Human: ......... What?!

In case you were curious, this is how I looked getting a mcdonalds ice cream cone

Humans are weird

Periods. I mean from a guys perspective they are hella weird. Why do people have to bleed for a week straight WHILE in so much pain that they barf? I mean are we the only species that do that???

Alien: Human Quinn, where has all our blankets and chocolate gone?

Human: I took them. Oh and the chocolate is gone, I ate it.

Alien: but why have you eaten all of it? That was our chocolate for the week

Human: cause I got my period and I was craving chocolate, oh and the strawberrys

Alien: is that what a period is? Craving food?

Human: no its our bodies way of telling us we're not pregnant, we also bleed for a whole week and usually get quite hungry. Oh yeah, it happens once a month.

Alien: and how would I help you through this?

Human: I don't know just be nice and understanding I guess?

The alien nods and proceeds to buy cake and fuzzy blankets the next day.

Humans are weird

Sleep. Sleep is honestly so strange. Sometimes I go to bed at a reasonable time, like 11pm. But then there are other times where I got to bed at 5am. Why do we do this? The struggles most of us have with sleep is unreal. But then even if I try to go to sleep I'm left with my thoughts, and I don't know if that's worse.

Alien: Human Kevin, you told me a human needs 8 hours of sleep a night.

Human: I'm aware

Alien: So why haven't you moved in 24 hours?

Human, drinking it's 15th cup of coffee: next question-

Humans are weird

Eating. Oh my godddd I hate eating! Having to stop and eat enough nutrients 3 times a day just so we can function. It's dumb! In the words of Captain Holt(Brooklyn 99) "if it were up to me I would just drink a grey smoothie that provides enough nutrients for the day."

I mean imagine how much more time we would have during the day if eating didn't slow us down! Also if we didn't need to eat then no one would have to struggle with an ED! It would be so much nicer, in my opinion.

Alien: So you're telling me.. You have to sit here for about 10 minutes, 3 times a day, just so you have enough energy to function as a human?

Human, with a mouth full of food: Yuppers man.

Alien: First of all, that's really gross. Second, that isn't very efficient. Why doesn't your body just naturally produce energy?

Human: -Shrugs-

Humans are weird (Tw. Barfing, passing out, blood)

Human bodies. They are so freaking strange, I'm not even joking. Don't eat enough? Pass out. Eat too much? Barf it up. Not drinking water? Pass out. Drink too much? Barf it up.

But then comes pain. We freak out at stubbing our toes, getting paper cuts, hitting our elbows. But I remember one time I crashed on my skateboard, ripped off like a chunch of skin on my knee and my hand, wasn't wearing a helmet and hit my head, But I was able to walk home (20 minutes away) like nothing happened.

Imagine aliens watching us with wide eyes on how we're still living on this planet. Why do our bodies do this? Are we the only species that can do this, or are there more? What if aliens can do this. Imagine how quickly they would die here.

Humans are weird

Art, In any form. What if aliens don't have that creativity in them? Kinda like 'Mars need Moms' the aliens have a very bleak and sad world. So what if they see a human expressing their art, how would they react?

Alien: Human Kevin, what are the strange shapes and colours that you are making?

Kevin: oh it's just a doodle of what I'm feeling.

Alien, taking notes that humans make shapes when feeling their emotions: Interesting..

Humans are weird

What if aliens don't have pets? Like keeping animals as friends is just completely foreign to them

Alien: So you're telling me… That you took a predator from your forests, saw that it was fluffy…. And kept it?

Human, petting a dog: he also gets really happy when you pet his stomach!

Alien, bending down to cautiously pet the dog:……

Alien: I would die for you.

Humans are weird

What if glasses aren't a thing else where? What if aliens didn't understand why we wore pieces of glass in front of our eyes that could possibly interfere with battles? Why are we born with inferior eyes?

Alien: Human Kevin why did you exhale very loudly about 34 hours ago while drinking your beverage?

Kevin: It made my glasses fog up so I couldn't see.

Alien: You are left defenseless while recharging?! Your species is strange…

Humans are weird

What if aliens didn't understand the concept of humans dyeing their hair? Like they'd be super confused on my we put chemicals so close to where are brain is stored, just for our hair to change colour

Hey I got this idea that I needed to share.

So what if aliens find out about Florida man. They are already terrified of humans and then they find out there is a whole state of humans who are more crazy/terrifying/unhinged than your normal human. I like to imagine that Florida humans are contained to Earth by law, because it would scare other species to much.

Thinking about if other species becoming insanely obsessed with random parts of human history because it's just so VAST and there's so much. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that other events like the first contact with the Aksani, the Barkonian renaissance, the whole federation-Eminian 'poison saliva dinner' fiasco, or the Lokirrim-Iconian-Risian trading war were all very interesting.

But I can't help but imagine the endless hilarity that involves something like a group of Andorian teens all being like:

"Did you know that there used to be other types of human sub-species living on earth billions and billions of years ago? Yeah! they were called like knee-an-do-thals and erik-toss or something" "Really? So, it was like the human version of Aenar on their planet?" "I guess so yeah" "So, what happened to them?" "The ancient humans killed them all." "..." "..."

"...maybe...on second thought, we should help Anika with her biology project after all."

I have my own personal headcanon that in the star trek universe Human musicals are EXTREMELY popular amongst the stars and across all galaxy's. Cause sure, other aliens have singing and dancing and music of all sorts but everyone quickly agrees that there is nothing like a human musical. It baffles a few Ferengi's ears when hoo-mans sing in such a high frequency for such a long time that shouldn't even be possible with their lung size! Vulcan's can appreciate the synchrony of their dancing and consider it a very pleasing experience (Their incredibly impressed by it and it becomes a frequent topic of conversation). Cardassian's admire the way the characters sing/talk to the audience and reveal what their feeling but not to the other characters, it's fun to watch secrets unfold or explode to someone's face as chaotic antics happen all around them (Their favorites tend to be Stephan Sondheim musicals). Surprisingly, even Klingons aren't immune to the talent of human musical theatre, on any given night you'll see a large group of Klingons sitting around a table ready for an opera show and tales from soprano's receiving numerous thanks and glory be's! from burly Klingons after a show.

Idea that once human movies and tv series becomes accessible to the rest of the universe they immediately have to get re-called and re-regulated by the federation.

Like, the Andorians thought they had sexy romance shows, but then the terrans come along and now you've got angry zhavey's, shreya's, charan's, and thavan's calling in concerned on what their teenagers are watching.

And this especially applies to horror movies, Klingon space gets access to some classics and figure they'll sit around and laugh at the silly human horror. Cut to one Texas Chainsaw Massacre marathon later and now some human captain's are reporting that the Klingons are looking at them weirdly, like they almost seem... nervous of them?

Same thing goes for when Vulcans begin to approach human crewmates to ask how they manage to keep their children away from "The animated blue kanine and the female pink sus scrofa domesticus?"

Ferenginar just has a flatout ban against any and all talent/contest shows. To win profit just for having a talent? For showing good teamwork? Without any cheating or lying? Disgraceful media. (Although they would appreciate the trick of adding a sob backstory to gain more sympathy votes)

Reverse alien attack scene

There's been a LOT of movies/games where an alien gets onboard a human ship and goes around terrorizing the place. But imagine this reversed where a human stranded on the edge of the cosmos finds a high tech alien ship and decides to go say hello? Keep in mind they're in a spacesuit that appears to have "one big black eye" Imagine aliens two times bigger than us all huddled underneath the ship's console after the computer gave them a haunting reading of the unknown life form breaking into their ship. "Krek- calm down- it can't get past the lockdown system" Then the human gets frustrated with the doors not opening (lockdown mode) and crawls through the air vents. "ITS GETTING PAST THE LOCKDOWN SYSTEM!!!" I can just imagine the aliens shrieking and running for their lives as a confused human drops into their laps from the vents then starts trying to follow the aliens running away all while excited at the idea of meeting extraterrestrial life. And the aliens ate just freaking out because they see the human as some sort of half sized terrifying one-eyed leech that's trying to catch and suck their brains out.

Humans Are Weird

So there has been a bit of “what if humans were the weird ones?” going around tumblr at the moment and Earth Day got me thinking. Earth is a wonky place, the axis tilts, the orbit wobbles, and the ground spews molten rock for goodness sakes. What if what makes humans weird is just our capacity to survive? What if all the other life bearing planets are these mild, Mediterranean climates with no seasons, no tectonic plates, and no intense weather? 

What if several species (including humans) land on a world and the humans are all “SCORE! Earth like world! Let’s get exploring before we get out competed!” And the planet starts offing the other aliens right and left, electric storms, hypothermia, tornadoes and the humans are just … there… counting seconds between flashes, having snowball fights, and just surviving. 

When Arrox learned that humans were on world he expected liars, smugglers, murderers, or worse. He wasn’t expecting a pair of generally kind hearted beings.

Mahl, as one of the humans-the one with golden hair and eyes the color of the Gaien sky- insisted on being called, is a doctor. He helps, again and again and again. He never turns anyone down, dirtying his hands with the blood of people who can’t pay and instead taking favors or small tasks.

Ivan, the human with silver colored hair and green eyes, is something called a ‘veteran’. He steps between beings and their would-be attackers constantly. He looms behind kind elders who are often taken advantage of.

The pair are well liked, even more so when word gets out that the Gaien government is going to be sending aide to a planet a system away. The two disappear with smiles goodbyes, promises of souvenirs, and reminders of keeping safe.

The humans said "We sent our very best to the stars."

Well we looked at what they sent: And thought, if that's their best, what are their worst like? They were scavengers and opportunists, fast talking con artists, barely restrained psychopaths with mayhem on their mind.

Honestly we were expecting the worst: That 'human' would be a curse word, that we'd have to root them out painfully and banish them back to their dirty heavy world.

But they cleaned up Antichor. They dredged the oceans, got the ecosystem back up, cleaned the mine lakes, remediated the sludge swamps, turned the hulks into gleaming ingots.

"We knew how. We had the experience." They said.

The humans started showing up in the weirdest places. Conflicts of all sorts... and they always had questions. "Why are you doing this? What if tehy did this. What if you did that?" And it was so odd - Within weeks of the Humans showing up, common ground would be found, or reasons to get along would appear.

"Well, we're used to it. We know how to deal with conflict." They said.

And the human liars, dressed in bedazzling clothes, singing and laughing... They spun lies! For entertainment! Of better worlds, and drama, of excitement, of adventure. Thay made such spectacles - Fire in the sky of a thousand colours - smoke and lasers, costumes and music, feats of synchronised movement the Civil Worlds had barely imagined could be performed by any being let lone these strange humans...

"We know how to have a good time!" They said.

When there was a nasty little war of expansion over on the Veran worlds, we thought we'd be barely in time to document the mass graves and the scraps of planetary genocide. Expansion wars are the worst of crimes but what can you do? The settlers who are squatting on the graves of the people who came before aren't usually the ones who ordered the invasion or carried it out. And there's always some justification that can be argued over for centuries: none of which brings the dead back.

We were horrified to find the Human fleet there. Finally proof that the Humans were the worst sort of mercenary.

But the ships had aid: Shelters and food. Medical personnel. And those that did fight did so under strange rules that allowed for surrenders and retreats in good faith.

The Verans talked of the Arnath Invasion fleet: Unstoppable, claiming thier worlds before they even landed, their leaders ranting and cursing those who lived there - But then the Humans arriving like heroes of legend, in flame clad dropships, spending their lives hard, making the Arnath throw incredible effort to get nowhere... Of the mighty Rangers, each one a hero. The Bulwark infantry who wouldn't yield a single step until the civilians had been evacuated. The Medical teams as caring as any, who'd stand and fight as hard as a soldier to protect their patients.

And even before we arrived, the Arnath were losing - Humans arriving on their world and asking "Why?". Arguing with the Archons with the skill of philosophers, litigating on behalf of the Verans with cunning arguments. The clowns and entertainers with unexpected savagery, showing the population their own "heroic" soldiers burning crops and firing on children, turning the population against thier bloody handed leaders.

The soldiers returning, not hailed as heroes, their crimes documented.

"We know these crimes. We won't stand for them." The humans said.

And we started to wonder... what else did they know?

What we know now is... you can always ask the Humans, because they always send their best.

I really want a science fiction story where aliens come to invade earth and effortlessly wipe out humanity, only to be fought off by the wildlife.

They were expecting military resistance. They weren’t counting on bears.

Zim wasn't afraid of anything. Then he discovered Earth...

He knew what he had to do. He didn't hesitate. He was the only one who could...

I read a post saying that ‘what if we were the cute otters/pandas of the galaxy and aliens actually found us incredibly cute?’

And I want to bring ; ‘what if we’re the blob fish of the galaxy and we’re so ugly it’s cute to aliens?’

Aliens being shocked by the fact that we taste our cake mixtures when they aren’t cooked yet like;

Alien : Human Steve, why are you ingesting raw foods?

Steve : Cause I wanna know if it tastes good? Don’t you do it?

Or

Alien : Human Maria please don’t eat the uncooked batter!

Maria : But! COOKIE DOUGH!