I Was Not Made To Be Happy, It Seems To Me I Was Made To Be Miserable. I've Realized That I Am Unable

The fact that the thought of skipping the whole schoolday tomorrow just to go buy food and eat all day even comes to my mind, even though I have eaten more than I need today, is absolutely crazy.

Actually ended up having an amazing day and will continue to do so. And then an amazing week and month.

How are you doing?

You seem quite stressed for your graduation but I'm sure you did great at school. 🌟

Hey, thank you for asking, and thank you for the cute gif :>

Tbh I don't know how I'm doing haha. To be honest, it just depends on how well I am able to tune out everything at a certain moment lmao

When you had started to kinda forgot about him but then see him again after a long time:

Kinda crazy how over half of the life I live isn't even real.

I hate how my ridiculous obsession with him makes me feel such hatred towards a girl that has done nothing to me. My eyes glazed over her and my mind started automatically fantasizing about killing her. Seeing the fear in her eyes. Even when it wont being me closer to him a part of me would see it as a win, I hate that.

I've been starting to actually feel bored. My brain can't really even maladaptive daydream anymore, so my brain is just empty, nothing to look forward to, literally nothing. Except my death in like 80 years (I hope my parents live long), just waiting to wait and hurt more.

I'm so miserable all the time. Being alone, just in my room used to be my fun time, my comfort time, the time I lived for. But now I'm just miserable.

I'm less miserable in school then at after it ends. My days consist of wishing the current moment to end. But the near future is never any less horrible since im stuck in a circle of agony. And I can't get out.

This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But I feel like this, how tf is life gonna be like in the future. Worse obvs cause I haven't gotten better since I was like 11.

I wish my parents didn't love, wish I wasn't aware that me killing myself would destroy them. Wish I could just end me existence, at the end of the day that's what I want the most.

I feel as if ill never be able to escape my food addiction. I feel prisoned for eternity. I don't want to live like this, but its part of my whole being. It has fuzed itself into every fiber of me. The only way to escape it is to kill myself.

It's almost midnight, but I can't sleep because I can hear my roommates clearly talk even thu my very good ear plugs.