More Diaryposts Because Gxd Is Dead And This Is My Internet
more diaryposts because gxd is dead and this is my internet
i think maybe i am not afraid of love. i am afraid of the way i learned it. i am not afraid of parenthood- i want to be a father more than anything. i am afraid of the way i learned it. i am not afraid of boys. i am afraid of the way i learned to be one, to love one.
i spend my pocket money on liquor and show tickets and inhalants. i do not cut my hair. i wear ridiculous outfits and watch dirty movies i was not allowed to as a child. i am alive, alive, alive. i am living. i do not have to be liked. i do not have to be good. i do my best to be kind. it is enough.
i think he is good enough. i think i am good enough.
maybe it’ll all be good enough.
maybe it won’t be and i’ll be thirty. maybe is not enough. you cannot build a life on a maybe. you cannot rule beyond reasonable doubt when working with a maybe. you have to sit with it, and let it decide. a maybe is only a maybe for a time. sooner or later, it becomes a choice. a choice is good enough to build on, to carve into a life, to forge into a future.
what is enough is my gentleness. gentleness and goodness are two brothers, cut of the same cloth, but one of them is a god and one of them is a man. i am a boy. i am becoming a man. i have to make myself reach for the man, not the god. there is no sin in gentleness. i do not need godhood. this, here, now, is enough. gentleness is enough.
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no matter how many years stretch by, so long as both of us are alive, there is still a chance my father will permit me to die in his memory as something other than his daughter. that permission means he will die as something other than his father’s son. something better. something kinder.
in the ether of my mind, no matter which way it goes, we will meet on the other side. he will be twenty, thirty, again, trying to light a cigarette. i will stop, and hold out my lighter. the flame will dance; offering. it is up to him if he takes it.
there are theories that the self is all there is; the self is the universe’s entire consciousness, that you have been and will be every single person and thing in all of existence. all i know is that i keep my lighter forever topped-up with fuel. if i meet my father, on this corner or the next or the one after that, i will keep offering. in one of these worlds, on one of these corners, he accepts. in one of these worlds, we exhale plumes of tobacco smoke, soothing ourselves with nicotine as the world around us melts, warping into the open flame of the zippo.
in one of these worlds, we stand on the corner, watching the cars drive past, and my father walks down to a payphone and calls his father. when he hangs up after the first ring, i pick the receiver up. the operator asks where i’d like to call; tells me i paid for five minutes’ conversation. i stub my cigarette out underneath the keypad and tell her nevermind.
in the distance, the lights of a church basement glow up through barred windows at us. in another world, my father and i sit side by side, and pick up 24-hour chips, and drink shitty coffee. in another world, my father and i wear nicotine patches and lay brick. in another world, when i pick up the payphone, the operator informs me time is out on this receiver. please insert a quarter.
an envelope slides under your door while you are asleep. you wake up. you open it. it says “bra’ad/ugarth teen romance fix-it fic, accidental magic”. the font is slightly larger than the day before. as you finish reading it turns into a sheet of very thin, plastery material and disintegrates at your touch.
a piece of paper labeled “bra’ad/ugarth teen romance fix-it fic” slides under your door. it turns to ash in your hands.
HELLO GOOD MORNING HOLY SHIT?
scythebelts? in THIS FUCKING ECONOMY????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUVE NEVER WATCHED THE FATED HOW HAVE YOU NEVER WATCHED THE FATED. YOU JUST GODDAMN NAILED THEM. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW OTHER PEOPLE WROTE FOR THEM IM PILLAGING YOU AND OCTO’S AO3 POSTS AFTER THIS
LIKE WHAT?????
@parallasso go follow them the lola fic revival is cancelled read this RIGHT NOW this fic singlehandedly made me decide to finally workshop the second work in the “diplomat/dueler” au
this is so so good man i can’t praise it enough??? lmk if you want some good ways to consume the general fated storyline without super involving yrself with the main podcast. (although if you can get through the first few episodes the rest of it is a goddamn content goldmine and i could scream about it and the complexities of their bullshit for hours) (it is tinged by the presence of j*red and it will force you to remember that the jrwee gang is cis white guys but honestly watching them grow as people and as roleplayers is super rewarding i recommend it) (okay rant closed the work was beautiful bye)
been cooking this up all day. here’s another addition to the scythebelts fic pile + velrisa introspection (are you guys proud of me)
ATTENTION BIGGAYHIMBO STANS
new work!!! miriam and alwyn vengolor! big thanks to @violaextract for the inspo on this, i’m sure they’ve posted their work on miriam and alwyn design but i’ll post it with the final link for this if i get permission
babe are you okay you keep opening and closing the notes app again. no babe it’s cool i swear it’s just that screaming into the void won’t cure it. it will lessen the ache but then most things will and one day you will have to lay down and let it roll over you instead of making it into art.
she commit acts of intercourse on my erogeneous zones until i achieve sexual climax
kyoya is grape
they should make ohshc vapes
my bone to pick with the fated campaign (along with all of the better things to be mad about) is that it’s canonically like 1770 according to J*red.
My Good Bitch. what do YOU think the 1770s looked like. Because I think you just picked an era at random and landed on the end of ROCOCO. which is not how anyone was fucking dressed in that dumbass campaign.
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parallasso liked this · 7 months ago -
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