My Friend And I Realized Jason Probably Has Had To Make A List Of Things He Missed While He Was Dead

Red Robin: -and that’s that losers.

Chat: [walks in] hey batfam! what’s poppin’?

Spoiler: hey chat! red robin was just bragging about his body count.

Chat: [pauses] like partners or…?

Spoiler: murder

Chat: [oddly brightens up and addresses red robin] oh! so what’s your number?

Red Robin: [shrugs] a few hundreds

Chat: like in one go?

Red Robin: …uh yeah- why are you being so casual about this???

Chat: well with the miraculous cure and all that, almost everyone in the court has ended a life somehow.

Red Hood: well, don’t hold back on my account. spill.

Chat: i know viperion had to remove certain variables to succeed in time loops. maybe a few hundreds for him too?

Signal: it’s always the quiet ones, huh?

Chat: oh yeah! the dragon miraculous is our aoe damage dealer. i don’t think most of the victims recovered after being hit by a bolt of lightning. huh, i always wondered why she always used that one.

Signal: …well, there’s no way my dude carapace could have done damage- he’s like your tank or something, right?

Chat: …

Signal: …. right?

Chat: his shield can shrink….

Signal: ….

Chat: … people inside don’t shrink with it

Signal: jesus

Nightwing: oh, do you! do you!

Chat: [suddenly sheepish] well…

Nightwing: ?? well???

Chat: there was this deleted timeline where i became akumatized and drowned all of paris.

Nightwing: holy shit- that’s like what? millions?

Red Robin: 2 million. damn, are you okay?

Chat: mhmm! ladybug made us all go to therapy.

Robin: … what about her?

Chat: oh! oh. oh….

Red Hood: ???? don’t tell me that tiny thing did more damage than you did! isn’t she like creation and shit??

Chat: no! actually when you think about it, ladybug would be on the same estimate as viperion.

Red Hood: oh, thank fuck!

Chat: multimouse has me beat though.

Red Hood: who??? and how???

Red Robin: [pulls out computer from who knows where] marinette dupain-cheng. temporary hero. was outed in battle-

Spoiler: -oooh pretty-

Red Robin: -powers: dividing into smaller copies, retains original strength. what did she do?????

Chat: it’s not in there but each copy can merge with another miraculous. i think the story goes is that she wore all the miraculous in the mother box and destroyed 3 galaxies including ours.

Everyone: …….

Ladybug: [walks in] hello, everyone! [realizes the tension] errm, what’s wrong?

Robin: [without skipping a beat] is it wise to keep marinette dupain-cheng alive?

Ladybug: [is marinette but they don’t know that] ?????????!!!!!!!!

thought of this after reading that tim freaked out after bruce “died” and blew up a lot of people

I love the headcanon that none of the Bats are supers, but over time? Gotham is slowly messing them up, one by one.

Bruce smiles at Clark one day in the Cave, and his eyes reflect the light back like a wolf's

Jason suddenly has tiny fangs, but nobody has the nerve to mention it

Alfred literally doesn't die

Dick can jump higher and faster than ever before, but barely notices it

Tim is awake for three days straight and doesn't blink

They're all subtly, but noticeably different. Gotham-blessed, or cursed, or something in between.

Guess I'm the burgler for 13 dwarfs off to the Lonely Mountain i go

Editing next week's episode of the podcast, and I noticed we introduced our guest as having a PhD from Notre Dame.

At the time, I thought nothing of it, because usually when one says that, it's understood that you mean the university in Indiana, and that is in fact the case here -- she has a PhD in Medieval Studies from the University of Notre Dame, the one in Indiana.

But, as we all know, Notre Dame just means "Our Lady" -- i.e., Mary -- and so lots of things are named that, especially when Catholics are doing the naming.

There are of course other educational institutions called "Notre Dame". When I was growing up, we were all aware of the nearby "College of Notre Dame of Maryland" -- not because of any particular prestige the college possessed, but because its initials spelled CoNDoM, which is a very funny thing to happen to a Catholic institution.

I double-checked this when making this post, and apparently they changed their name to "Notre Dame of Maryland University" in 2011 after over a century of being called CoNDoM.

But you could iterate this idea into absurdity.

There is of course the cathedral:

"Yes, I have a PhD from Notre Dame." "Oh, the one in Indiana?" "No, the one in Paris. You know, Quasimodo and all that." "I didn't know they granted degrees." "Well, it's honorary."

A variety of just... places:

"Yes, I have a PhD from Notre Dame." "Oh, the one in Indiana?" "No, Notre Dame Bay. In Newfoundland." "Um..." "The Lady of the Bay, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft a sheepskin from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I was an expert in my field."

And, naturally, the original:

"Yes, I have a PhD from Notre Dame." "Oh, the one in Indiana?" "No, Notre Dame. Our Lady. Mary, Mother of God." "Sorry, what?" "She appeared to me in a vision and said I had a doctorate now." "I wasn't aware her authority extended to the granting of terminal degrees." "You want to tell her that?"

...this whole post is just such nonsense. Maybe that fever hasn't really dissipated yet.

I don't think this one deserves them, no.

I know we all talk about Jason finding out Dick killed the Joker from Tim or one of the other batfam members, but what if:

One day he’s searching for blackmail material on a member just for fun and knows Damian keeps a list of all of them so he backs into the files and realised the folder with the heaviest inscription to unlock is one labelled “Contingencies”.

He opens it to find every single person in their family is on there and starts surfing through them. When he sees Tim’s he freezes, mentally filing away some horrific details for checking up on him later, Jason’s list is impressive but not much he didn’t expect…still concerned how he got the evidence though.

His fingers hesitate over Batman’s, and after thinking screw it what the hell clicks on it just to realise most of them are psychological, and had to do with Jason. One video showed Bruce as Jason remembered him from his robin days. He was pacing furiously in the Manor, tugging on his pocket square which for him was a high level of distress, before he went upstairs - to Jason’s room when he stayed there - and looked in. The change was sudden, Bruce’s shoulders sagged and his face grew into one of fondness, one he’d rarely seen before.

“I cant help it Alfred.. Scarecrow’s toxin.. I KNOW it isn’t real but.. I can’t stop thinking about it. What if -“ and Jason can’t really believe his ears, that was a fucking quiver in his voice- “What if one day it comes true?” “What was your worst fear Master Bruce?”.

“Jason..” and Jason flinches. “I.. I saw him die, and I was powerless. I cant lose him Alfred. I just cant.”

The recording ends, and it takes a while for Jason to realise he can’t breathe. He sends the file to himself and laughs bitterly, remembering what the fear toxin had shown him. Lucifer. It had shown him falling from Bruce’s grace, being his greatest disappointment. “Guess we both failed each other didnt we old man?”

After what feels like forever, when he can feel his fingers stop shaking his eyes drift over to Dicks.

Damian sure does adore him, wonder what the brats got in store for him.

Most of them were things he was sure Dick could handle, until a glitched file appeared which read “for EXTREME situations only.”

When he heard Joker laugh, Jason could’ve sworn he was in the cave. “Hello there old friend! Aww why the long face?”

Dick wasn’t facing the camera, but the sheer aura of destruction radiating off of him was enough for Jason to know Joker was in danger. Judging by his outfit and well- hair- this must’ve been years ago.

“Didn’t you like my..ah.. gift? It was quite the blast I hear!”

Dicks fists clenched. His usual smile was gone, replaced by a hatred so vile it could’ve rivalled batman’s glare. It was so odd.. seeing him so pissed.

“Well that’s what happens.. when birds get hit. They never see what’s right in front of them and then BAM!”

As his laughter rang out Jason heard Dick whisper something. It was so soft, quieter than he’d ever heard him and he found himself leaning forward.

“What’s that? How long he lasted? Well I counted everytime he screamed when I broke his bones so-“

“SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!”

Jason stumbled back, nearly falling to the floor himself. Dicks voice was thundering, echoing across the cave.

What the hell had happened? Why was Dick so mad? Why wasn’t he smiling?

“You..killed him.”

And that’s when it hit Jason. Oh. This was after he’d died.

The joker was trying to say something, but Jason couldn’t hear him. All he could focus on was how Dick was behaving, how he was walking upto Joker. Jason had seen that before.

The intent to kill.

SLAM

The fight was brutal, and blood flew everywhere, mixed with the laughter and cries of the Joker while Dick yelled, YELLED so loudly he could’ve sworn the cave was shaking before the sound of a wet snap ricocheted and Dick went limp.

No.. no no no no.

He watched in horror as Dick stood up, drenched in blood and heaving. Dick had gone- no BEATEN- the joker for Jason.

But the longer he looked, the more he felt the Lazarus pit burning inside him.

The joker wasn’t moving.

Dick walked away, and in the shadows, with bloody fists and face of hatred could not see him as the Dick he knew.

“Dead.”

He looked up to hear Dick whisper to the thundering sky outside.

“I killed him Jason. The joker is dead. Rest in peace little wing.”

Jason’s feet gave out under him, and he crashed to the ground gasping for breath.

Never in his wildest dreams had he thought he had been avenged.

Never did he even think that Dick had only killed once… and only for him.

Damn this looks like a treasure chest

my jewelry box

Danny, after running away moving to Gotham a few months ago begins making little commentary videos on a social media app.

It was fine and all with mostly friends viewing them up until his meta gene activated. He didn't even know he had a meta gene and kinda figured any of the ghost stuff he did as Phantom would have activated it if he did have one. Nope!

His newest video started out with him wearing a red beanie, "Hey guys! You know how I just moved to Gotham a few months ago? Well, turns out I have the meta gene!" He takes a moment to let that sink in before continuing, "Most people get there abilities or whatever through a lab accident or an explosion or something and end up with like telekinesis."

"I, however, am hated by the universe and got scratched by a cat," he then yanked off the beanie to reveal two large cat ears, "and turned into furry bait. On that note if you have any tips on how to avoid Catwoman please leave them in the comments section. For my sake."

Dick stared down at his phone in shock. He needed to show his siblings this

In the meantime Danny has to deal with his channels popularity skyrocketing. "This is not what I want to be remembered for."

Bonus points if Danny gets one of those FMK questions that are all bats and he responds with, "Kill? A bat? Listen, if I get put into a death match with a bat the only one dying here will be me. I cant even do a backflip, what makes you think I could even touch one of them???"

Do you think Tim holds things over his brothers' heads whenever he wants something?

Dick- Aw, there's only one piece of pizza left

Tim- Mine

Dick- Or, we could split it

Tim- Or, it's mine

Dick- You know, sharing is caring, Tim

Tim- You know what else is caring?

Dick- Hm?

Tim- Not gaslighting your sibling into thinking he's insane

Dick- ...

Tim- Not taking Robin from him

Dick- O-okay

Tim- Trusting that he's been right about enough things in the past that maybe, just maybe, he's right about your father being alive-,

Dick- You can have the pizza, dude. Jeez

Yyyyy

Jason, seeing Tim laying across the entire sofa he wanted to read on- You can either move or be sat on, little man

Tim, not even looking up- Today is not the day. I fucking dare you to try me

Jason- Tim, move. I am bigger than you. I am stronger than you. I will crush you

Tim- Bigger, maybe.

Jason- Tim-,

Tim, locking eyes with Jason- How long did you last with Joker? Half hour?

Jason- Excuse me?

Tim, holding up three fingers- I dealt with Joker AND Harley. For three WEEKS. And survived

Jason- o.o???

Tim, getting cozy again- Get on my level, bitch

Yyyyy

Damian- You're delusional if you think you can beat me, Drake. I was trained by the best of the best!

Tim- The best of the best?

Damian- That's right!

Tim- When's the last time you checked on those 'best of the best' teachers of yours?

Damian- What are you talking about?

Tim- I'm talking about the fact that you might have been trained by them

Tim, leaning down to Damian's level- But I took them out

Damian- Wh-what??

Tim- Still want to spar?

Jason: Have you ever thought about what it'd be like to look God in the face and call them a bitch?

Plagg, sitting up from where he was laying: Marinette says it to me every day.

Marinette: It's true. Plagg, you're a bitch.

Jason: Pft.

Batfamily Headcanons:

Tim loves exploring abandoned “haunted” places like hospitals and asylums. The kid grew up travelling Gotham at night to take pictures of the superhero version of Freddy Krueger. This kid digs spooky places.

Jason likes the most problematic media out of all them and has gotten into fights over it. He’s into literature, you can’t read 5 classic novels in a row without finding out one of them was a racist or wifebeater or something. He is completely numb to it and Dick hates it. 

Damian pretends to hate Pokemon for ethical reasons but secretly has invested 300 hours into Sword and Shield. He plays so much fetch with his Pokemon. 

Everyone hates watching investigation shows with Cass cause she can tell by body language which actor is playing the killer. She has ruined Murder She Wrote for Alfred and part of him thinks he will never forgive her.

Duke is a menace to the Justice League. He absolutely has accidentally flexed on every single one of them. “Oh, sorry Wonder Woman, I just assumed you could speak Italian, cause you know…Rome is in Italy?” “So they’re ‘hardened light constructs’ but can’t actually light up a dark room? Dang Hal, that sucks man.’” Bruce loves this. 

Dick absolutely has a lifetime band from every theme park he has ever been to. He handstands on the spin-and-get-stuck-to-walls-ride. He leaps out of the rollercoaster seat to land back in it during every loop. The only roller coaster he is ever allowed to ride is the ladybug one at Smallville’s town fair Uncle Clark takes him to.

Now that Jon is an adult Damian actively keeps him away from his family because the thought of Tim and Jon dating has woken Damian up in a cold sweat.

Whenever they go to iHop they expect Steph to get the crazy waffles with like marshmallows or sprinkles or something. But she doesn’t. She gets the whole grain waffles. The kind with oats. No one can tell if she’s punking them or not (she absolutely is, and orders a quinoa omelette to sell the act).

Bette still hangs out with the Titans on occassion and the younger Bats literally don’t know who she is. “Yeah back when I was Batgirl I–” and Damian does a spittake and Cass asks Bette for advice (that she absolutely doesn’t need cause she has surpassed Bette in every skill but it makes Bette smile so its worth it).

Dick and Jason find out Barbara went one 1 (one) date with Roy like 4 years ago and spend weeks preparing separate powerpoints on why that is not allowed. 

Jason polices Alfred’s eating. Everyone thinks Alfred eats healthy all the time but every once in a while he’ll snack on something with just a little too much fiber and Jason will pull him aside and be like “You know what Leslie said Alfred, berries aren’t good for your bowels” and Alfred will blush and hand over the berries with a pout (which Jason will then eat himself).

Bruce cannot keep focused enough to cook, this is a known fact. However, he can stay on task enough to make soaps. Dick threatened to tell the Justice League, but Bruce threatened to take back that Salt & Pepper scented soap that Dick loves and Dick folded (Dick loves it because it just so happens to smell like Bruce’s cologne the night he picked him up at the circus (Bruce pretends not to know that’s why)).

Damian cannot draw cartoony or anime-y styles whatsoever. Duke asks him to teach him how to draw Naruto and Damian just can’t and it hurts him that there is something he is bad at. 

Barbara uses her wheelchair in daily life not because she can’t walk but because it hurts to walk. When she offers to take Steph’s patrol once, Steph is stoked, but when she sees Barbara cringe in pain the next morning she spends two hours crying and gives Barbara lunch in bed for the next three weeks.

John Constantine isn’t allowed within Gotham’s walls, especially near Damian, Duke, Tim, or Steph. Bruce knows without a doubt that Constantine does not give enough of a shit to protect his kids if push comes to shove, so that man is banned from all missions involving his kids. 

Zatanna is about halfway between Bruce and Dick, and one day she lets it slip she’s slept with them both and it sends Bruce into anaphylactic shock. Dick never forgives her.

During a Hero community football game Hal slaps Tim’s ass after a touchdown not even thinking it might be awkward or uncomfortable and Jason tackles him into the center of the Earth on the next play.

Because Tim has had a hero crush on every Bat ever and still kind of does, whenever Dick or Jason or Barbara tease Bette by saying “who are you again” Tim goes into a 45 minute long tirade on why they should respect the first Batgirl. Even Bette finds it weird.

Damian draws fake tattoos on the other kids hands at recess.

Sometimes people think that Batman’s presence is what keeps primarily not-gotham villians out of Gotham but really its Catwoman cause once a group of Luthor’s hitmen came into Gotham and were found with absolutely brutal claw wounds and everyone in the supervillian community got the message loud and clear. 

Alred and Wonder Woman are such stubborn personalities with similar morals and motives, that they actually butt heads when Diana is in the cave and good fucking god is it scary.

For Cass’s birthday Barbara and Tim manage to rope Lady fucking Shiva to coming and Cass is genuinely touched, but Dick and Jason had no fucking clue their best friend/little brother knew the world’s deadliest hand to hand fighter what the fuck. Damian takes to Shiva instantly and spars with her every other Saturday and she and Talia begin having “parent teacher conferences” over Damian’s growth. Bruce is absolutely terrified of them as a team.

The bats completely convince Guy Gardner that they’re all metas and that their superpower is literally “Super Competence.”

During a sex-pollen fight with Ivy, several Justice Leaguers are hit and everyone seems to have gotten with their partner and Bruce isn’t worried until he finds out that Dick offered to help one of them for a night because their partner was off world. When Oliver walks down to Wayne Manor’s breakfast the next morning Bruce almost fires him.

Tim has not so secretly recreated Dick, Jason, and Barbara’s old attires and cosplays them on Tiktok. He knows this is a dangerous game. Barbara will only be blind for so long. The adrenaline is worth the risk.