"We Hope This Email Finds You Well" Babe, The Only Emails I'm Excited To Get Is The Ones From Archive

I saw a post where everyone in the batfam had adopted the airhead Brucie Wayne cover except for Damian and of course Alfred. So I wanted to add to the pile. :)

All of them are sitting in a restaurant

Brucie: … wait this has a little label for vegetarian on it but it doesn’t have any meat in it. I think you forgot to label it vegan!

Waiter: … this has whipped cream, eggs and milk in it sir.

Dick: Wait whipped cream isn’t vegan?!?

Jason: No, I’m pretty sure it is.

Dick: well if it isn’t I messed up my vegan challenge week and nobody told me!

Tim: can’t we just pay someone to find out if whipped cream is vegan?

Brucie: Good idea! [Takes out $100 bill and hands it to the waiter] Is whipped cream vegan?

Waiter: uhh

Damian: PLEASE STOP! NONE OF YOU HAVE DIETARY RESTRICTIONS! WHY DID THIS BECOME A DEBATE?

Dick: that’s not true I’m a pescatarian now! I really miss eating fish but it’s worth it!

Damian with head in hands: that’s not what- ugh forget it!

The waiter now confirms to everyone that they come across that Damian Wayne is indeed the holder of the Wayne Family Braincell.

Tabloids dub this conversation the dessert debate. It becomes a trend to ask what Bruce thinks is vegan during interviews.

ok hear me out but ..

Damian is an avid Wild Kratts fan.

Also bonus:

Edit: Thank you for 1000 on this silly post I made! <3

Some of My Favorite Batfam Fic Tropes

In no particular order:

 - The batfam have their own language of chirps, trills, tweets, and whistles, and they use it in front of other ppl (civilians, the jla, whatever) and the other ppl go “what the actual fuck”

 - Bruce throwing the batarang at Jason Todd’s neck actually Does Damage™, and eventually the other members of the family find out and lose their shit

 - “Hey Tim?” “Yeah?” “Where’s your fucking spleen :)” “Lost it.” “LOST IT??”

 - Damian calling his brothers Akhi :)

 - “How many kids do you HAVE??” -The entire Justice League

 - Jason going to Titans Tower, seeing Tim, saying “is anyone gonna parent that” and then not waiting for an answer.

 - Literal Toddler Tim Drake informing the Batfamily that yes he knows everyone’s identity, and really if you didn’t want people to figure it out you should stop showing off your extremely niche skills during patrols Nightwing.

 - “Dude your son is a crime boss.” “Ex-crime boss :/”

 - A Batfamily member hearing someone talk about their civilian identity (bc, yknow,, they’re famous) and just having to Deal With It because what the fuck else are they supposed to do??

 - The Justice League hearing about Batman and assuming he (& his family) are demons or vampires or some other cryptid, and then meeting him and finding out he’s just Some Guy.

 - The batfamily learning the origin of the name Robin

- The Justice League meeting the Batfamily and specifically learning who Red Hood is, and one of the heroes nervously asks “Didn’t the second Robin.. die?” and Jason just goes “yeah lol”

Duke and Tim middle child antics?

I know Jason and Cass are also middle children but Duke and Tim are the Middlest if you know what I mean

They walk around the house opening doors but not closing them

Their secret TikToks are of them doing increasingly stupid dances on patrol and seeing how long it takes for the others to find out. Right now they're at 232 videos and counting

They duct-taped Barbara's Pringle can shut. She blamed Damian

Jason forgot a bottle of Coke outside. Tim and Duke set up a science experiment watching it over the course of 9 months. It gained national recognition. The rest of the batfam never noticed

They recorded an album of Dick's shower singing

Their favorite track: Dancing Queen (L'Oréal remix)

Yeah Damian exists but let's be real Tim and Duke are the only Gen Z batkids

They dyed each other's hair and no one batted an eye

Dick bought two pairs of Ray-Bans and both went missing the next day. He blamed Jason even though Tim and Duke were right there, rocking their matching shades

They locked Damian out of his Club Penguin after too many failed password attempts

They also convinced him the Batmobile had a secret chicken incubator function

Steph loses her charger often but rarely notices because either Alfred or Bruce will replace it when she does. Tim and Duke, meanwhile, collect them and plan on regifting them to her on the 10th anniversary of losing her first one

Cass knows where they hid her hairdryer, but it's in Tim's room and no amount of survival training could prepare her for that

Bruce forgot to add Duke to the family phone plan so Tim hacked the account and added Duke himself

Sometimes Tim and Duke get lumped into a single entity during headcounts and just watch as everyone panics thinking they're missing a person

Dick being zen and jason being jason:

headcannon that when alfred finally caves and allows the wayne family to get a roomba, the bat brothers just go nuts over it:

Damian names it, and gets disgruntled when people simply refer to it as “the roomba”. Like, no, that is Cerberus? Get it right please

Tim tampers with it on more then one occasion. Hooks up some motion activated speaker/microphone mechanism complete with a voice modulator so that he can speak to whoever it passes. Steph is convinced for a whole WEEK that the roomba is sentient

Jason puts a few knives sticking out from it at some point. The whole family can hear Bruce’s screams when it enters his study.

And Dick just turns the damn thing off every time he sees it. He thinks it’s the worst purchase of all their collective lives

my friend and i realized Jason probably has had to make a list of things he missed while he was dead Steve Rogers style so obviously I had to make this, enjoy

And here’s the empty one in case anyone wants to make their own lmao

Tim, [pointing his staff at the human traffickers]: YOU ARE OUTGUNNED

Jason, [hyping him up]: WHAT?

Tim: OUTMANNED!

Jason: WHAT?!

Tim: OUTNUMBERED OUTPLANNED

Jason: PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES!

Tim: PUT YOUR GUNS DOWN ON MY COMMAND

Jason: HAND EM OVER!!

Tim: THIS IS HAMILTON MY RIGHT HAND MAN!

Jason, [getting his guns out]: PWO PWO PWO PWO PWO-

Goons: *shaking* what the FUCK are Batman feeding his partners--

Damian thinks Mari can't understand arabic (au)

Damian : "Good morning habib albi." "Have you eat ya hayati?" "I'm so glad I meet you ya amar..."

Marinette : *Trying so hard to hide her blush* "Yes..."

I do not like having jingly keychains, but I like that my father does. His chain has the car keys, a Swiss army knife, a longer Swiss Army knife, a small metal Captain America shield, and a few other trinkets that he wears in his belt loop with one of those big clips (the metal ones for rock climbing- carabiners).

Anyway my dad has been wearing that specific set of trinkets for my entire life. It is not loud but because of the trinkets it makes a very specific jingle.

So when my brother and I got lost at a Disney park during one of your extended family vacations (25 people is a lot and very easy to be overlooked), we tracked down the rest of our family by walking around the general area in a circle to hear down the different streets until we heard it. All the way from the opposite end of the street and around a corner.

We got back to them fast enough that nobody knew of our little crisis and all because of my Dad’s obnoxious key chain.

having a little jingly keychain is all fun and games, until you’re walking around somewhere that’s dead quiet…..like oh i’m sorry i just my trinkets are jangling around……n suddenly your the court jester and everyone is pointing and laughing at you for your noisey fucking keychain…..bobo the clowncore