„if They Wanted To, They Would“

my dearest friends,

i see the way you choke down your tears when someone asks about you. i see the way your jaw locks when simple words are reminders of things you wish you could forget. i see the way you quiet down when you have something too heavy to speak of. i see the way the tension manifests in fleeting glances, buried heads, and hurried words. i see the ways in which what has happened has followed you.

i’m sorry that it’s like this. i’m sorry i couldn’t have known you sooner. i’m sorry we couldn’t play groundies on the playground during recess with missing teeth, and bruised knees. i’m sorry we couldn’t play outside, dreaming of our own worlds where caterpillars were kings. i’m sorry we couldn’t make fishtail bracelets while talking about things too big for our little hearts to understand. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there when you just needed a friend. i’m sorry i couldn’t be there for you when we were kids, when we felt alone.

i’m sorry i wasn’t there to protect you when those bad things happened, when everyday felt like an extensive nightmare. i’m sorry i wasn’t there to stick up for you, to be there for you. i’m sorry that the people you thought you could trust the most, broke you down until you felt like you were nothing. i wish i could have been there, i wish i could have said something, done something. i wish i could have stuck up for you. i wish i could have stopped it from happening in the first place. i hope i can be here for you now, i hope i can protect you now.

i’m sorry that life has been so cruel to you that you believe you are undeserving of life and all of it’s pleasures. i’m sorry that you were made to believe that you are undeserving of fuel, of peace, of accomplishment, of joy. i’m sorry that simple tasks feel like so, so much more. i’m sorry that you were made to believe that you are anything but miraculously beautiful and worthy. i’m sorry that you can’t see what everyone else does. i really wish you could, and i hope, i KNOW that one day you will.

i know what it’s like to feel alone, unwanted, repulsive, anything but human. i know what it’s like to go to sleep every night wanting to know why. and i also know that the person who makes me laugh just by being authentically themselves, the person who is always the first to ask me what’s wrong, the person who always takes the time to remind me of who i am, the person who thinks of me and sends me silly posts when they do, the person who walks with me through all of MY bullshit, the person who surprises me with treats when they know i’m upset, the person who taps my shoes just to check on me, the person who pulled an all nighter the first time we texted, the person who always awkwardly tries to make me laugh, the person who always takes care of everyone else before themselves, is the LAST person who deserve to live like that.

one day i’ll get around to writing each of you a more personalized letter, but until then, let this post serve you as a reminder. i love you, i am so insanely proud of you, and i KNOW you are good, and you ARE deserving. i want you here, and i want to talk to you always. i’m only just a text message away.

love, your friend chris

this dude. i feel the emptiness of my friend’s absence after every hangout and it cripples me. or something

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

Adam: *speaks* Lawrence: 🙄🤦‍♂️

SAW (2004) dir. James Wan

i wish i found what i was looking for that day.

I asked my boyfriend what he liked about me, because I couldn’t understand what he saw in me. He knew me at my absolute lowest, and still chose to love me. I just didn’t understand what could make him like me as more than a friend after witnessing me in that state.

And he said he didn’t know exactly what he liked about me, that he didn’t think about it too much; but he said that he knew I made him happy.

Later I was talking about how I love poetry, and I described poetry as everything worth remembering and experiencing put into words. I told him that poetry is everything we love transcribed on paper, and sometimes it’s just that simple. Sometimes poetry is just capturing the things we love, a linguistic photograph.

And after I was done, he said, “That’s how I feel” And I was happy he understood, and then he said that’s how he feels about me. That he loved me in a way that’s worth experiencing and writing about. That he just loved me for me, and I don’t need to be anything else.

And he drove home his point by saying I have an appealing face. #RIZZ Heart is full of love type shit

I just hope there are people who are actually enjoying their Christmas

Often times we when we are enamored, we are blinded by our rose tinted lenses, but you must remember: You cannot fabricate someone else’s love for you. When you cut someone open looking for something you won’t find, all you get is blood.

smoked the type of weed that makes you accept that there will always be beauty and pain in everything, and the only thing you can do about it is welcome their co-existence

I have a confession:

I hate being in my room all the time. I want to be anywhere else but here. Selfishly, I wish people would invite me over more often. I want to sleep in any other bed but my own. But it doesn’t make too much of a difference, my bad dreams follow me no matter where I go, I suppose it just feels less lonely.