21 January, 1926 The Letters Of Vita Sackville-West To Virginia Woolf (1924-1941)

sun bleached flies - ethel cain

Should of done it when I had the chance

It will haunt me forever

I asked my boyfriend what he liked about me, because I couldn’t understand what he saw in me. He knew me at my absolute lowest, and still chose to love me. I just didn’t understand what could make him like me as more than a friend after witnessing me in that state.

And he said he didn’t know exactly what he liked about me, that he didn’t think about it too much; but he said that he knew I made him happy.

Later I was talking about how I love poetry, and I described poetry as everything worth remembering and experiencing put into words. I told him that poetry is everything we love transcribed on paper, and sometimes it’s just that simple. Sometimes poetry is just capturing the things we love, a linguistic photograph.

And after I was done, he said, “That’s how I feel” And I was happy he understood, and then he said that’s how he feels about me. That he loved me in a way that’s worth experiencing and writing about. That he just loved me for me, and I don’t need to be anything else.

And he drove home his point by saying I have an appealing face. #RIZZ Heart is full of love type shit

I’LL MISS THE COMFORT OF THE WORLD OF MY MOTHER AND THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD / LOVE MUST BE FORGOTTEN LIFE CAN ALWAYS START UP ANEW

RAGGHGHHGGGHBBHHHHH

What is my deal

Wrote this last spring, but I’ve been feeling similarly lately so I thought a repost was due.

i love my friends so much

My friends gift to me a glimmer of hope occasionally; and when they do, all I can think about is how badly I want to see and know the adult versions of them. I think about how nice it would be to have an extra room, or maybe a pullout couch, at the disposal of any friend looking for a warm bed and an ear to listen. I think about them coming to my house just to ask for a cigarette, and to talk about their troubles while we sit on the porch. I think about how I’ll attend (and cry at) their weddings, and I think about how I’ll be with them through messy breakups, and all the inbetweens. I think about how I’ll have their favorite snacks in my cupboard, and how I’ll make sure there’s always an extra toothbrush for them. I think about how I’ll have toys stored away for their potential kids when they visit, and I think about how I’ll get to watch all of us grow up.

I often times think the only thing stopping me from ending it is fear, but I think a little harder about the people I love, and suddenly it feels like my heart is trying to claw through my chest, and grasp onto any hope for the future.

I want to be there to love those around me until I can no longer leave my bed, and my last breaths are be spent cherishing their names.