“Absent Father“

something something i am terribly sad for my age and i think it might be a little in my head, or uncalled for, or my hand on my friends pantry doorknob as she tells me i can eat whatever i want because we’re at her house now (which warms me inside more than i want to tell her, and that fact is starting to burn) or cookie dough i made for the first time in the middle of the night because it’s easy and people like it and it’s a way to say i love you without actually telling. im glad i know my way around a kitchen but im not too sure when i learned. i’m pretty good so long as i don’t leave the stove on; i’m forgetful when it matters but i remember when it counts. i’m not too sure when i learned.

i want to cook for you, and i want you to like it, and i want my head to stay calm when i think of my body and how I could be spending this time to fix my grades and I need to do better at a lot, and most of all i want to cook for you and i want you to like it and i want so hard to believe my kitchen is any kitchen where i open the pantry and feel like that’s fine. i want to feel like that's fine.

don’t you wish milk was cheaper, and eggs, and the water bill and the price of gas so we can leave? don’t you wish it was easier for a kid who isn’t quite right to get a job around here? don’t you wish the job could pay for any of that at all, or at least be something worth my time? i think I'd like to be somewhere near you for at least forever. I wish I was always sure you loved me back and I was able to manage to drop eggs one way or another without the end of the world. i can make myself useful and bring you something I worked on to prove i love you, and I promise I'm trying, I'm not sure for what, but I know I really really want to stick around so please please let me, and do you still mean the thing you said about me being able to eat from your pantry? when do you want me home? I love you, so I can make us something nice.

I think I want love more than prestigious education and money. That's what childhood emotional neglect gave me.

some days i think i’m okay and some days i wish i was six feet in the ground

feeling a little insane, might kiII myself later!

not actually alive, just a corpse walking in a suit of flesh

I have no reason to live but no energy to kill myself

nothing about adulting excites me, it just makes me remember that I’m forced to be alive on this earth and I can’t even take myself out of it guilt free

love getting ghosted 🤗🤗🤗

I used to do personality tests a lot, looking for something to tell me who I really am, an answer that's satisfying.

People would describe me and it never felt real, but who was I to dispute it?

I never felt like I knew who I was and every description of me, from golden admiration to scathing hatred, never felt like it was me.

There is something undeniably romantic about touching someone. Your fingers brushing against their bare skin, the pulse of heartbeat beating in tune to yours, the muted warm of life in them, pressed up against you. For a moment, for the slightest of split-seconds, your souls are perfectly in sync

I’m other news, I just accidentally touched my crush’s hand and I immediately started blushing and stammering