“I Didn’t Know What To Call It, What Was Happening Between Us, But I Liked It. It Felt Silly And

It's my birthday! I wanna nap 😭

Meme redraw

I kinda got too tired to put in shading effort after sugar and flour hfhfhf

babygirl I'm bothered by noises you wouldn't even hear

This encapsulates everything I've ever felt, in my life. This hits so hard LOL

here is the light and the stool and the waterbottle so you can wring your hands and make a joke about your life like you are tumble-drying. here is the audience of your friends with their faces weirdly pinched just because you admitted that when you were growing up, bad things happened. when other people talk about their past, nobody flinches. when you mention the things you survived, everyone else gets uncomfortable, calls it trauma dumping. meanwhile to you it's just, like, something that happened.

you learn to sidestep it or to disguise it or to wait until it's dark out. you wait and hold the wasps nest and blink into the bright lights and then you make a joke about it. here is the joke: there is a hole in me that stays open no matter what i put into it. i have spent my life trying to make myself full and things just fall out.

and everyone loves a hole joke! how big is the hole? how wide? what does it swallow? once you disassociated with your turn signal on and it made your spiraling thoughts feel staccato, like rainfall. once when you were in the middle of a field you had the sudden thought - lightning could strike and wouldn't that just like, resolve it all?

clap your hands go to school go to work smile about it stuff yourself with this world because everyone says if you peel off the bad bits the new skin starts to show except it's been years and the uphill never stops being a slope. can you just lay down and be healed. you feel embarrassed to mention to your therapist that things are getting bad again, like you're wasting her time. like if you were really trying shouldn't you just be better. obviously you're not taking it seriously. you have to beg her to stay, worried that she will be one of the therapists that says this clearly isn't helping.

open your mouth and deliver a tight five minutes of comedy. make yourself beautiful and pleasing. you want to say im not ready but life doesn't wait for you to put your hands up so live under the boot. so never stick your tongue out hoping for snowflakes - more likely than not, god is gonna piss on you. good luck in the morning, you can't process the car crash because your whole life is an accident. nightmare kid; no matter how fast you run, you're still at the scene of the injury. elastic, you snap back to the broken rib. is this where you left your childhood? buried in somebody else's fingers.

get up on stage and do a little dance for us. get up on stage and try to language the loneliness never stops yawning but don't sound desperate or sad or yearning or wanting. sound brave and inspiring and dishonest about how badly you're hurting. call up foucault and laughingly promise that any time you talk about this you are adding disclaimers that of course peace is possible and you're so much better than you were before and the friction of your soul only sands down the sharp parts and never the tender spots and you're in therapy and you're a success story and you are neither a danger to yourself nor to others. either you are suffering just quietly enough or they lock you up. put your jazz hands up, make a spectacle out of yourself in glitter glue. you are someone's mental health month bulletin board & AI generated recovery chatbot.

you're too gentle to be a problem, but isn't that part of the difficulty. if you could just fucking talk about it. you have seen other people be helped and get what they need and be supported. something about you and the way you are - when you lose control, it's just not allowed, is the thing. it's embarrassing, not concerning. get back up on stage and finish your set. stop making us worry about it. the things that echo in you shouldn't be able to escape the bones in your head.

get back up on stage and perform like you're healthy, goddammit.

"Having friends in your head must be so fun!!"

Okay, say it's fun when someone that isn't you takes over your body and decides to do something horrid? Not necessarily a crime, but say, broke up with your lover(s), or cut you off from your entire family.

We're all mentally unstable, at any moment one of us can just decide to commit and it's the end.

It's not fun. It's scary.

Especially because not all of us are "friends", many of us simply get along because we are stuck together.

—Kluk

The fury I felt yesterday was unmatched. As a man, it's my duty to try and protect the women in my life. That's what I've been taught from a young age. So, to have a man who has done nothing but antagonize a girl I barely know- and then lie to everyone about it- is fucking ridiculous. He truly and utterly disgusts me. Scum like him don't deserve to roam the earth. They deserve nothing less of sheer loneliness and pain.

The little things in life remind me of you the most.

I taste you in my overly expensive pumpkin spice lattes

The soft patters of the rain ring of your calm laughter

Days where we cloudgazed, nights were never truly appreciated

I brush past strangers, scents overwhelm my senses

I cling onto what little I have of you

The limited time we had.

Sometimes I let my mind drift to what ifs

If you weren't concerned with conceited reputations

Looks from passerbys that do not matter

Actions that should've never occured

If I was into men

Letting go of what happened

Truths that echo through the chambers of my mind

Then I wake up from light slumbers and hold your sweater a little tighter

I miss you.

my shadowvanilla idol AU! i've been cooking this in my mind for a long time so I finally made it happen!

Self-reminder