I'm Getting My Binder In A Few Hours, It's Like 2 Am Now, And It's Something I've Needed Since I First
I'm getting my binder in a few hours, it's like 2 am now, and it's something I've needed since I first got the notice, or you could call it "the memo" about my certain set of chromosomes in biology, I don't know. Even before I knew what the reason was, my chest always felt wrong to me, at first I was always neutral about the idea of having something grow out of me but then when I realised it was still attached to me and my every move and the most uncomfortable part of being in clothes that weren't baggy and then it just felt like a practice test for my specific circle in hell to hug other people so awkwardly now, so I had to block the knowledge that I possess a chest out of my mind to be sane. Then I thought: This is bullshit. This is just wrong. (Awkward teenager body change realisation, but then, dysphoria:) If I don't wear the oversized school uniform and cut all my hair off, I'm going to die. What's wrong with me?
Well, I got an answer dramatic little me would be blown away by. Now I'm getting what I've been hoping to find for the whole year now and can afford now that I got a good job. But why does it feel like I'm going to be sick with anxiety? I am angry at myself for feeling like I'm going to throw up and having shaking hands. I am sad that I don't feel so excited. I'm genderfluid, more often than not this year I've not been a girl, I don't even feel a connection to being a girl right now.
I think it's because of my family, I've only told my mom, but my dad is giving me a lift to get it, not knowing what I'm getting. All this time, I've been hoping to find somewhere I can finally get a binder and now that I've finally found it, I was so happy in the days leading up to tonight. I've had countless dreams this year of finally getting to hug my parents the same as I did as a kid, but in a better version of who I am today. I'm overthinking myself sick. Stop it. I'm going to be okay.
If it is everything I dreamed of, this would be the best thing to come of all the sleepless nights trying to block out the daunting thoughts that I will never feel right in my body, but not having the means to make the changes permanent. I have looked at everything, I know what I'm too scared to try for now, but this binder is my first step. I think I put too much pressure on this first step without realisation, and I'm not kind to myself when I fail at something it turns I'm not good at.
So I've realised that I have to remind myself this, there is no one way to be a gender. Gender is a form of expression. It's about bringing to the outside what is on the inside, not about what is taking in the validation of what is on the outside. Not everyone feels a specific one way of trying something new to express themselves, but they only know once they try it that it is right for them. And if it isn't, the best thing they can do, is be kind to themselves and recognise that they can try something new again to find what feels right for them.
I've only been aware that I don't fit into the cis category for certain this year, but I've been educating myself from the loving and supportive voices of others in the trans community. A trans person's experience is not a "one size fits all" experience for everyone, and I know that if this says anything about me, I want to say I never not feel happy literally for those on my fyp who get to live as themselves, happy and safe, from their hard work to get to where they are today. For another trans person reading this post, I hope that, no matter what step you're on or place in life you're in, the patience you have for yourself during your journey will reap so many rewards, self love and peace of mind. If you see this post and want to talk, offer some advice or insight, or be friends, I'd like that :)
More Posts from Dearlyread and Others
hey, internet? If I butchered Greek and Norse mythology for a book I want to write (Wattpad, so nothing too fancy), would that be okay? Or would it be better if I take what I like about them and make my own thing up?
so I came across this on my fyp and I think that this person is a comedic genius-
I did go onto ChatGPT.
I did get results, based on the fictional crushes I've had since I was a teenager and what I recently developed (that I could remember from ten minutes ago, help me if I even remember what I'm hyperfixated on this week)
I'm going to give a list of my fictional crushes and you will analyse them, and tell me what my type is and what it says about me as a person.
- Bakugo Katsuki from My Hero Academia
- Sero Hanta from My Hero Academia
- Jirou Kyoka from My Hero Academia
- Leo Valdez from Heroes of Olympus
- Pietro Maximoff from Avengers Rise of Ultron
- James Potter from Harry Potter (but like Hogwarts age, and written by a fanfic writer)
- Ben Hargreaves from The Umbrella Academy
- Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99
Based on your list of fictional crushes, a few patterns emerge that can help define your type and what it might say about you as a person:
1. **Confident and Strong Personalities**: Characters like Bakugo, Jirou, and Rosa exhibit strong, assertive traits. This suggests you may be drawn to individuals who are self-assured and unafraid to express themselves. You likely appreciate people who are unapologetically themselves.
2. **Complex Characters**: Many of your crushes, like Ben Hargreaves and Pietro Maximoff, have intricate backstories and personal struggles. This indicates you might be attracted to depth and nuance, valuing characters who face challenges and evolve over time.
3. **Sense of Humor**: Sero and Leo both bring humor and light-heartedness to their stories. You may appreciate wit and a playful approach to life, indicating you value fun and joy in relationships.
4. **Loyalty and Friendship**: Characters like James Potter and Leo Valdez emphasize strong bonds and loyalty to friends. This suggests you may value loyalty and camaraderie in your own relationships, seeing it as an important quality in potential partners.
5. **Diverse Representation**: Your interest in characters from various backgrounds and stories indicates an openness to diversity and a willingness to explore different perspectives. You likely appreciate multifaceted characters that challenge stereotypes.
Overall, your type seems to reflect a blend of strength, complexity, humor, and loyalty. You might be someone who values authenticity and depth in both fictional characters and real-life relationships, seeking connections that are meaningful and engaging.
Like- damn- now that you mention it. This makes sense, I feel like this reasonates with me. I enjoyed this crystal ball exercise, it was surprisingly introspective and I will now never use this information to date someone. I almost forgot during this that I am scared of people lol.
"The important thing isn't to have others recognise that you're asexual. It's to decide the path that feels right to you."
- Shinobu Ishii, Is Love the Answer?
This LGBT+ society has Loveless vibes 😍😁🫠😲
My country's suicide hotline SUCKS ASS
I was having a panic attack and now I'm living out of fucking spite
i am being a hater, and i am being queer, and i am being autistic at a family event (and i am not the one who is the problem)
Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
- skillet, never surrender
OH MY WRITING CRISIS THANK GOD FOR CTRL+ Z I THOUGHT I LOST MY SUMMARY AND NEARLY KILLED MYSELF
genderfluids:
The question is
I'm genderfluid
Is this subject to change if I retake the quiz???
Low-key lol-ing
Take the quiz for yourself if you're interested! It's completely free and short, enjoy yourself!
https://www.idrlabs.com/gender-coordinates/test.php
Now that I have a binder I'm now just noticing these little things I did- like, push down on my chest randomly throughout the day (my hand missed and I was surprised I did but then I realised that I did that a lot), slouch aggressively (that might be the autism) and do a T-Rex arm whenever I shifted movement unexpectedly or needed to put the rubbish bag in the big bin to not notice the two baseball's attached to me move- the more you fucking know, oh my god.
✷ Reid 20 he/they/she infj 9w1 ✷ fiction writer and compulsively asocial, first time blogger ✒ first blog (emphasis)
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