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Hey tumblr people, I am fully aware how cringe self-promo is, however, I have just decided to start a blog so if you feel like it, check it out. Also, it's funny, like hella funny. And now you don't know if that's true until you've seen it, right?
i am in love. this love is a home that is always empty.
The question is
I'm genderfluid
Is this subject to change if I retake the quiz???
Low-key lol-ing
Take the quiz for yourself if you're interested! It's completely free and short, enjoy yourself!
https://www.idrlabs.com/gender-coordinates/test.php
Me, stressed: I need a drink
Me: *knaws the fucking inside of my cheek to taste the forbidden red juice*
Good existential crisis, writers, quick question- do any of you have "writersonas"??
Alice Fucking Oseman made me know pain and joy lol
Tab system:
Orange: "Wait, That's Me." (Relating too hard to Georgia)
Yellow: "Ace Pain." (i.e. "Being asexual, I felt that, ouch")
Green: "Ace Joy." (i.e. "Being asexual, I felt that, thank you Alice :)")
Light Pink: "RAGE" (Getting angry at the scenario or characters)
Dark Pink: "Outlier" (Moments I will probably quote or wish happened to me, like having a Pip, Rooney, Jason, Sunil, Jess or Ellis)
+ page 5: Alice, when I catch you, Alice.
My heart problems are not because of Monster, it's nearly dead from having crippling anxiety since birth.
As someone who's grown up biting their nails aggressively out of anxiety and is now trying to grow them out I just want to say HOLY FUCK HAVING NAILS IS FUCKING RAD I CAN SCRATCH MY ITCHY ASS LEGS NOW
I fucked me over with seeing an edit of that scene of Reid crying in later seasons (the worst one of the ones I believes) and I gunned it to scroll away, proceeded to have an emotional crisis to Dynamight by BTS on loop for three times straight (pan).
HoOW
🗣️ARE🗣️THERE🗣️SO🗣️MANY🗣️BEAUTIFUL🗣️WOMEN🗣️OUT🗣️HERE
I'm three pages into loveless AND ALICE
ALICE WHEN I CATCH YOU ALICE
I've been using tinder. I think I'm ready to jump now.
so im a writer. im only ever going to write listening to boygenius at four a.m.
Me taking my first binder break and placing a stitch marker on my chest for a second and I see the return of my dread: this is a fucking disaster.
me now making silly headcanon that when a trans kid is trying to cover up what their wearing from their maybe strict transphobic family:
transmasckid: *covering up some of exposure of their binder with their shirt collar*
mom and dad: what are you doing? what is that-
kid: *panicking* I'M SPIDERMAN
m&d: ....
kid: ....
m&d: ..... spiderman better go do the dishes to live here and not end up a homeless superhero then.
transfemkid: *comes home after a night out with friends*
m&d: are you going to tell us where you were all night?
kid: *covering themselves up in a trench coat and sunglasses* uh, with friends.
m&d: what did you- wait what are you wearing?
kid: I'M- SPIDERMAN.
m&d: ...
kid: ....
m&d: well Spiderman, we're going to have a discussion tomorrow about your swinging route on the way home tonight. go to bed.
me covering up my neck area the second any "skin" is exposed, I'm hiding my binder from my family:
Me, making the anxiety of hiding this from them for now until I'm ready to show even my mom to let her know what's up, internally: I AM SPIDERMAN
me covering up my neck area the second any "skin" is exposed, I'm hiding my binder from my family:
Me, making the anxiety of hiding this from them for now until I'm ready to show even my mom to let her know what's up, internally: I AM SPIDERMAN
Now that I have a binder I'm now just noticing these little things I did- like, push down on my chest randomly throughout the day (my hand missed and I was surprised I did but then I realised that I did that a lot), slouch aggressively (that might be the autism) and do a T-Rex arm whenever I shifted movement unexpectedly or needed to put the rubbish bag in the big bin to not notice the two baseball's attached to me move- the more you fucking know, oh my god.
I just hugged my dad for the first time in my binder. I can't explain this wave of emotion that has just hit me. It's a side hug but it's the closest I've felt to my dad in years. I'm so fucking happy I want to just cry and let it out but I need to fucking breathe lmao.
You can come in any font of text, but if you're a word I find I love, I will fall madly for you.
I'm getting my binder in a few hours, it's like 2 am now, and it's something I've needed since I first got the notice, or you could call it "the memo" about my certain set of chromosomes in biology, I don't know. Even before I knew what the reason was, my chest always felt wrong to me, at first I was always neutral about the idea of having something grow out of me but then when I realised it was still attached to me and my every move and the most uncomfortable part of being in clothes that weren't baggy and then it just felt like a practice test for my specific circle in hell to hug other people so awkwardly now, so I had to block the knowledge that I possess a chest out of my mind to be sane. Then I thought: This is bullshit. This is just wrong. (Awkward teenager body change realisation, but then, dysphoria:) If I don't wear the oversized school uniform and cut all my hair off, I'm going to die. What's wrong with me?
Well, I got an answer dramatic little me would be blown away by. Now I'm getting what I've been hoping to find for the whole year now and can afford now that I got a good job. But why does it feel like I'm going to be sick with anxiety? I am angry at myself for feeling like I'm going to throw up and having shaking hands. I am sad that I don't feel so excited. I'm genderfluid, more often than not this year I've not been a girl, I don't even feel a connection to being a girl right now.
I think it's because of my family, I've only told my mom, but my dad is giving me a lift to get it, not knowing what I'm getting. All this time, I've been hoping to find somewhere I can finally get a binder and now that I've finally found it, I was so happy in the days leading up to tonight. I've had countless dreams this year of finally getting to hug my parents the same as I did as a kid, but in a better version of who I am today. I'm overthinking myself sick. Stop it. I'm going to be okay.
If it is everything I dreamed of, this would be the best thing to come of all the sleepless nights trying to block out the daunting thoughts that I will never feel right in my body, but not having the means to make the changes permanent. I have looked at everything, I know what I'm too scared to try for now, but this binder is my first step. I think I put too much pressure on this first step without realisation, and I'm not kind to myself when I fail at something it turns I'm not good at.
So I've realised that I have to remind myself this, there is no one way to be a gender. Gender is a form of expression. It's about bringing to the outside what is on the inside, not about what is taking in the validation of what is on the outside. Not everyone feels a specific one way of trying something new to express themselves, but they only know once they try it that it is right for them. And if it isn't, the best thing they can do, is be kind to themselves and recognise that they can try something new again to find what feels right for them.
I've only been aware that I don't fit into the cis category for certain this year, but I've been educating myself from the loving and supportive voices of others in the trans community. A trans person's experience is not a "one size fits all" experience for everyone, and I know that if this says anything about me, I want to say I never not feel happy literally for those on my fyp who get to live as themselves, happy and safe, from their hard work to get to where they are today. For another trans person reading this post, I hope that, no matter what step you're on or place in life you're in, the patience you have for yourself during your journey will reap so many rewards, self love and peace of mind. If you see this post and want to talk, offer some advice or insight, or be friends, I'd like that :)
Make me feel better, you make me feel better
You make me feel better, put me back together
I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don't wanna live like this today
Make me feel better, I need to feel better
Stay with me here now and never surrender
- skillet, never surrender
I feel like I didn't come into the world screaming. My sibling was born angry and loud, the world wasn't ready for them, but I don't hear the same story about myself, just that I came out with hair and fingernails, that I wasn't ready to come into the world yet. I'm quiet, not nimble, but quiet. I scare people when they don't hear my footsteps, I always need to raise my voice to be heard, but it doesn't make me feel safe. I can't shout when I'm scared, I can't scream when my emotions bottle up, I physically can't talk to anyone because the words hurt to say. I hate that everything is quiet. I love music. I listen to screaming sometimes. But I hate being overwhelmed with the sound of people. People are volatile. People are angry. I'm never angry, not if I'm hidden away. But then I have to leave my safe space, and it's not just the normal bad parts of the world I become afraid of. Sometimes you know you're safe, but people act like they will betray that trust you have for them. Then had for them. But they're everything. You have to have hope they won't do this again, as long as you stay in line. You can't bring this up again. You have to be quiet again. But my thoughts are never quiet. But that's just my problem, then.
This song makes me think about growing up a boy, being loved for being a child and growing up and finding acceptance in my journey to be who I want to be brave enough to be.
I feel like I need to talk about the elephant in the room. Me about me. Narcissism at it's finest.
I'm genderfluid, I'm not always sure what I am most of the time. Sometimes something just feels wrong. Sometimes I know right away, gold star for that. Sometimes something is just so wrong that I can't breathe in my skin right anymore. A lot of the times, it's not that people use a certain term of endearment, it's that I've asked them not to use it- it's a betrayal. It feels like they overcompensate, trying to bring back someone I'm not but who they think I am. Gender shouldn't matter, but unfortunately, it feels like it does to me about my own identity. I know I'm genderfluid, I never felt like I could pin point whether I was a boy or a girl growing up, wanting to be one of the macho boys and then texting back and forth about my girl friends' crushes. I'm my own villain when I think that I'm just looking for attention when I'm looking for acceptance.
I've never been one thing, I feel like there are dimensions to me that aren't solid to be my first and foremost personality. It kind of makes me feel like sand, shaped by its environment, changing when dry but exposed to water, lightning and cement, for the lack of a good analogy. In some cases in that analogy, being sand hurts. I can change inside, but outside? I can only do so much to feel at home in my body. I chase drastic changes, clothes, piercings, tattoos, hair dye, scissors, the electric razor. Now something that is going to make everything I've gone through more real, more scary, but I don't think I can be happy without it. And when it doesn't suit anyone's view of me, I'm completely alone.
I remember you. You're someone I have to forget.
(I've missed you. I've loved you.)
When my dad said I needed therapy because I told my parents I loved the big ass cup I got in grade 3 more than I love myself. This was three days ago, where is my trauma bean bag dad
Introduction post
Dear Reader,
Welcome to this blog, if you enjoy your time here, there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Let's be friends.
My name is Reid, I am 20 years old and I am genderfluid. I am a white, agnostic, pan-romantic on the ace spectrum INFJ-T. I will make sure that, if any, there will only be sfw interactions on this blog and I DNI with the following user types: homophobes, transphobes, racists, pedophiles, SWERFs, TERFs, Zionists, anti-Palestine supporters, anti-Ukraine supporters, Pro-Trump supporters, Pro-Putin supporters, minors.
The general posts that will come up on this blog will be whatever is in my head that I want to let out, most likely about my likes and hobbies, reposts of things I relate to and support, and that is all that it will be for now. I do write fiction, for myself, that I would like to post someday, but until then, I will just let the stories marinate in it's sad gayness.
I like reading, specifically fantasy and action, queer media especially. I actually started this blog because I read Solitaire by Alice Oseman. When I'm not reading, I'm crocheting and listening to music, my taste generally changes but I am a Swiftie at heart. My theme song is a tie between Dear Reader by Taylor Swift and Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance. This is most likely the type of riveting posts you might see in the future if you would like to be mutuals :)
I have stated it before, but I want to make a clear note here that this blog is meant to be for myself, and have a place to be when I don't want to be "me-offline". This is going to be somewhat of my safespace, it just happens that I thought it would be a fun little life choice to increase my carbon footprint and put my thoughts on the internet. The thoughts that will not be responding to any hate, and that support the ceasefire and freedom of Palestine.
Thank you for reading this post, and getting to know me a little, it would be nice to know other like-minded people on here, so you're welcome to DM me any time. Enjoy the rest of your time on Earth, goodbye.
From, Reid ✷
Edit: Lately I've written a lot about my home life, but I want to write about the happy things more than the bad things now.