Ace 🧄🍞

Credit: @taceplantae

My heart problems are not because of Monster, it's nearly dead from having crippling anxiety since birth.

Good morning. Israel will fall and Palestine will be free

Finally got my "started a 10+ chapter completed fanfic after midnight" badge 👍

I feel like I didn't come into the world screaming. My sibling was born angry and loud, the world wasn't ready for them, but I don't hear the same story about myself, just that I came out with hair and fingernails, that I wasn't ready to come into the world yet. I'm quiet, not nimble, but quiet. I scare people when they don't hear my footsteps, I always need to raise my voice to be heard, but it doesn't make me feel safe. I can't shout when I'm scared, I can't scream when my emotions bottle up, I physically can't talk to anyone because the words hurt to say. I hate that everything is quiet. I love music. I listen to screaming sometimes. But I hate being overwhelmed with the sound of people. People are volatile. People are angry. I'm never angry, not if I'm hidden away. But then I have to leave my safe space, and it's not just the normal bad parts of the world I become afraid of. Sometimes you know you're safe, but people act like they will betray that trust you have for them. Then had for them. But they're everything. You have to have hope they won't do this again, as long as you stay in line. You can't bring this up again. You have to be quiet again. But my thoughts are never quiet. But that's just my problem, then.

Making a collection of these

Make me feel better, you make me feel better

You make me feel better, put me back together

I don't wanna feel like this tomorrow

I don't wanna live like this today

Make me feel better, I need to feel better

Stay with me here now and never surrender

- skillet, never surrender

if your friend asks you to misgender them in front of their family, do it. if your friend asks you to refer to their partner as their roommate or friend, do it. if they ask you to deadname them, do it. allyship is about prioritizing the saftey of marginalized people, especially when it comes before your desire to fight their oppressors.

I feel like I need to talk about the elephant in the room. Me about me. Narcissism at it's finest.

I'm genderfluid, I'm not always sure what I am most of the time. Sometimes something just feels wrong. Sometimes I know right away, gold star for that. Sometimes something is just so wrong that I can't breathe in my skin right anymore. A lot of the times, it's not that people use a certain term of endearment, it's that I've asked them not to use it- it's a betrayal. It feels like they overcompensate, trying to bring back someone I'm not but who they think I am. Gender shouldn't matter, but unfortunately, it feels like it does to me about my own identity. I know I'm genderfluid, I never felt like I could pin point whether I was a boy or a girl growing up, wanting to be one of the macho boys and then texting back and forth about my girl friends' crushes. I'm my own villain when I think that I'm just looking for attention when I'm looking for acceptance.

I've never been one thing, I feel like there are dimensions to me that aren't solid to be my first and foremost personality. It kind of makes me feel like sand, shaped by its environment, changing when dry but exposed to water, lightning and cement, for the lack of a good analogy. In some cases in that analogy, being sand hurts. I can change inside, but outside? I can only do so much to feel at home in my body. I chase drastic changes, clothes, piercings, tattoos, hair dye, scissors, the electric razor. Now something that is going to make everything I've gone through more real, more scary, but I don't think I can be happy without it. And when it doesn't suit anyone's view of me, I'm completely alone.

I'm getting my binder in a few hours, it's like 2 am now, and it's something I've needed since I first got the notice, or you could call it "the memo" about my certain set of chromosomes in biology, I don't know. Even before I knew what the reason was, my chest always felt wrong to me, at first I was always neutral about the idea of having something grow out of me but then when I realised it was still attached to me and my every move and the most uncomfortable part of being in clothes that weren't baggy and then it just felt like a practice test for my specific circle in hell to hug other people so awkwardly now, so I had to block the knowledge that I possess a chest out of my mind to be sane. Then I thought: This is bullshit. This is just wrong. (Awkward teenager body change realisation, but then, dysphoria:) If I don't wear the oversized school uniform and cut all my hair off, I'm going to die. What's wrong with me?

Well, I got an answer dramatic little me would be blown away by. Now I'm getting what I've been hoping to find for the whole year now and can afford now that I got a good job. But why does it feel like I'm going to be sick with anxiety? I am angry at myself for feeling like I'm going to throw up and having shaking hands. I am sad that I don't feel so excited. I'm genderfluid, more often than not this year I've not been a girl, I don't even feel a connection to being a girl right now.

I think it's because of my family, I've only told my mom, but my dad is giving me a lift to get it, not knowing what I'm getting. All this time, I've been hoping to find somewhere I can finally get a binder and now that I've finally found it, I was so happy in the days leading up to tonight. I've had countless dreams this year of finally getting to hug my parents the same as I did as a kid, but in a better version of who I am today. I'm overthinking myself sick. Stop it. I'm going to be okay.

If it is everything I dreamed of, this would be the best thing to come of all the sleepless nights trying to block out the daunting thoughts that I will never feel right in my body, but not having the means to make the changes permanent. I have looked at everything, I know what I'm too scared to try for now, but this binder is my first step. I think I put too much pressure on this first step without realisation, and I'm not kind to myself when I fail at something it turns I'm not good at.

So I've realised that I have to remind myself this, there is no one way to be a gender. Gender is a form of expression. It's about bringing to the outside what is on the inside, not about what is taking in the validation of what is on the outside. Not everyone feels a specific one way of trying something new to express themselves, but they only know once they try it that it is right for them. And if it isn't, the best thing they can do, is be kind to themselves and recognise that they can try something new again to find what feels right for them.

I've only been aware that I don't fit into the cis category for certain this year, but I've been educating myself from the loving and supportive voices of others in the trans community. A trans person's experience is not a "one size fits all" experience for everyone, and I know that if this says anything about me, I want to say I never not feel happy literally for those on my fyp who get to live as themselves, happy and safe, from their hard work to get to where they are today. For another trans person reading this post, I hope that, no matter what step you're on or place in life you're in, the patience you have for yourself during your journey will reap so many rewards, self love and peace of mind. If you see this post and want to talk, offer some advice or insight, or be friends, I'd like that :)