Wanted To Write Out Something Not-so-heavy, So I'm Gonna Borrow @arandomao3user's Freaky Tim And Bernard

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

@malfiora found it for me so I'm gonna share it! I genuinely love this so much, it's such a Thing that would become part of Gotham's cultural zeitgeist.

Imagine the first time each of them heard some kids singing this?! Imagine if it's a cryptid Batfamily au and the song breaks containment before the other heroes know them? So much possibility, so much potential, I love it.

Listen... All I know is that the kids I babysit were singing that one Gummy Bear song and next thing I knew my brain made a parody

My immediate reaction was "No, leave that old man alone; he is an angry gem who encourages children and has high standards for adults who claim to be professionals" and then I realized how Batman coded that sentence was and needed to sit down.

And then I remembered that he also has an estranged brother who has attacked him, or threatened his family, I think, maybe? And now I'm vibing with the concept of Gordon Ramsay having a vigilante alter-ego in the DC world.

I've given enough angst lately. Have something amusing:

Chef Bernard Dowd on Hell's Kitchen.

Imagine it, please. Imagine Tim gripping with bloody hands to the shreds of his self-control, trying not to physically attack Chef Gordan Ramsey for yelling at Bernard for fucking up the risotto.

Screaming, cackling, joyous!

There's just something enthralling about these two. Especially Tim serving his malicious compliance response to the "Where were you?". It's peak. He loves his family, he doesn't like when they pry into his business, they have all had many conversations about hiding injuries. Now Tim selectively over shares and it's a power trip.

And just. Yes. Tim's laughing hysterically over his boyfriend accidentally shooting him during their kinky sexy times. That is the most true and appropriate response. I kept imagining them on that "Sex Sent Me to the ER" show, retelling this story and breaking down into giggles again.

...Tim is trans masc by default in my head so when Bernard said he'd get him pregnant... I'm just saying, Tim's dealt with a lot of time travel bs. His birth control could fail. He and Steph could have a very funny role reversal, going to the same Lamaze class she took, deciding that the Dead Robins Club is so last year - the Oops Baby Club is now the fun place to be.

I beg you for more Tim and Bernard being chaotic freaks

*Falls down twenty flights of stairs before pushing myself up* This could mean several things, and I will do each one! >:D

Suggestive content below, minors DNI or whatever.

—

Tim, sick, lying in bed: I'm gonna die.

Bernard, sitting next to him, checking his temperature: No, you're not.

Tim: Bet.

Bernard: Please, don't prove me wrong on this one.

Tim: Uuuuuugh...

Bernard: At least you look sexy when you're sick.

Tim: Do I not always look sexy?

Bernard: Oh, you definitely do, always, look sexy. But, I mean like this, your cheeks and thighs all flushed, and all sweaty and helpless and weak in bed...

Tim: Don't get any ideas.

Bernard: To late, I already have several.

Tim: . . . Are you supposed to have sex, when sick?

Bernard: Is that gonna stop us.

Tim: Hmm.. Nope.

—

(inspired by a short story @donkoogrr made for me :3 )

Jason, picking his phone up at two in the morning: Who the fuck is this?

Bernard: Uh, me, so, like, y'know how I asked to borrow a gun for things you did not wanna know about?

Jason: . . . What did you do?

Tim, laughing hysterically in the background:

Bernard: I shot Tim.

Jason: you diD WHAT!?

Bernard: I DIDN'T KNOW THE SAFETY WAS OFF!

Jason: YOU SHOT MY LITTLE BROTHER!? ACCIDENTALLY!?

Tim: IT WAS HOT!

Bernard: He's a bit hysterical?

Jason: Oh my GOD, WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME!?

Bernard: I SHOULDN'T LEGALLY HAVE A GUN AND ALSO THIS WOULD BE SO HARD TO EXPLAIN TO A 911 OPERATOR!

Tim, laughing harder in the background:

Bernard: I have a compression bandage on him..?

Jason: . . . I am on my way, but I swear if he dies from this I'm gonna throw him in a Lazarus pit only to give him an honorable death.

Jason: Oh, also, I'm telling Dick face about this.

Bernard: . . . F#&$.

Tim: Think we can finish up before he gets here and I bleed out?

Bernard, throwing a pillow at him: TIM!

Tim: I've been shot way worse!

—

Ransom girl, flirting with Tim at a gala despite being told several times he has a boyfriend:

Bernard, walking right up to Tim: It's done.

Tim, playing along: It's done?

Bernard: Yup. She's dead.

Tim: Good, good.

Random girl, watching with great confusion and slight fear as Bernard and Tim share a sweet kiss and walk away together:

*The rumors that the Wayne's are some sort of crime family don't get better after this...*

—

Bruce, after calling for an emergency meeting after a massive rogue breakout: I know this is last minute, but— where's Red Robin?

Tim, riding in on his bike:

Jason: Where the f#&$ were you?

Tim, looking around: Are there children present?

Dick: ??? No, Dami is still changing—

Tim: Good, I want you all to know I'm only half coherent, my brain is still fuzzy, and I'm still recovering from being choked out, carved up, humiliated, and defiled in the best ways possible, and I swear one of you better die to make up for what I'm missing out on tonight.

Dick:

Jason:

Bruce:

Tim: None of you wanna see what I look like under this costume right now.

Damian, walking in: Have I missed something? Oh, Timothy, you are here, finally. What took so long?

Tim: Sorry, was hanging out with Bear, y'know how clingy he is.

Damian: Tt, don't forget about your promise to take me to the zoo this weekend.

Tim: Wouldn't dare.

Dick: My baby brother...

—

Stephanie: . . . So, you and Tim are into some freaky stuff?

Bernard: We did not use olive oil, wooden spoon, or the kitchen for their intended purposes last night.

Stephanie: To scared to ask, but also me and Cass have been thinking of experimenting. Any tips?

Bernard: Several.

—

Bernard: You're mad at Bruce again?

Tim: Yeah, but it isn't that big a d—

Bernard, pulling his phone out: Say less.

Bernard, posting anonymously that he'd be getting Red Robin pregnant, one way or another:

Tim: Now what's that gonna do?

Bernard: Give Bruce a heart attack.

Tim: . . . What?

*Cue that night, Bruce begging Babs to tell him what rogue and or magic user is threatening to get his son pregnant and w h y ? ! *

Babs: Harley Quinn says she'd help plan the baby shower, Poison Ivy asked if they're doing a a gender reveal because she has ideas that were safe for the environment, Cat woman commented that she wanted to be the godmother and is currently fighting Spoiler through text for rights..? Nightwing has stated he's castrating anon, and Red Hood told them to watch out for Batman, he's always looking for new Robin's.

Bruce: I am so confused...

—

Tim, gesturing wildly to an entire wall full of case files and "evidence" while being sleep deprived: I'm connecting the pieces.

Bernard: Love dove, the pieces are not connecting.

Tim: They're connecting...

Bernard: What are you trying to solve exactly?

Tim, blinking slowly: I forgot after my eighteenth cup of coffee, but I'm close!

Bernard: Uh huh... Ready for bed?

Tim, whispering as he sticks a sticky note with a poor drawing of a chicken to the wall: Death before dishonor...

—

Tim: . . . Hey, bear?

Bernard, half awake: Mm?

Tim: I want grilled steak.

Bernard: . . . It's three in the morning, Timboo.

Tim: I know...

Bernard:

Tim:

Bernard, groaning as he gets up:

Tim: I love you.

Bernard: I love you more and this is proof.

—

Bernard: Uh... Tim?

Tim, setting down the twelfth cake: You said to pick up a cake.

Bernard: Yes. A cake. You bought twenty cakes!

Tim: I didn't know what flavor you wanted tonight!

Bernard: So you buy all of them?!

Tim: Except carrot cake! Because you don't like carrot cake.

Bernard: We have... So much cake.

Tim: I also bought brownies—

Bernard: Timothy!?

Tim: They're red velvet..?

—

Bernard: I am staring respectfully.

Tim, changing into his Red Robin uniform: You are not.

Bernard, looking him up and down slowly: So respectfully.

—

High school Bernard: I wear sunglasses so nobody knows where I'm looking.

Darla: . . . Bernard—

Tim, not paying attention as Bernard stares at his biceps:

Bernard: Shh...

Darla: This is not heterosexual behavior.

Bernard: No clue what you're talking about. Hey, Tim?

Tim: Yes, Stephanie is a real person.

Bernard: No, no, not about that.

Tim: No, I don't wanna hear the entire lore of Undertale again. And no, I don't care about your d#&$ size, no, you can't know mine either.

Bernard: . . . I'm gonna kick your a#$.

Tim: I welcome you to try, b#&$%.

Bernard, leaning in: I would have you pinned in seconds.

Tim, dropping his phone onto his desk now: Only if I let you.

Bernard: Would you?

Tim: Would I?

Darla: JUST F#&$ ALREADY!

—

I remember seeing a post a while ago which message was basically that you should force yourself to like female characters even when they're written to be mid or even just poorly because it's part of unlearning sexism or something, like you need to "learn to like them", and man, I really don't like this stance at all, because what it basically says is that you should lower your standards when it comes to female characters. But there are absolutely amazingly written female characters that you don't need to "force" yourself to like because you just do naturally, because they're just written right, and it doesn't require "work" and "convincing yourself to care" or anything like that. It is absolutely possible to write them, and I'm justified in wanting more of them instead of "forcing myself to like" poorly written characters whose authors couldn't even force themselves to care about them on the first place. It feels backwards to me that many people expect otherwise and call it misogyny when viewer isn't willing to do the writer's work in places where writer didn't do theirs. I do appreciate it and think it's really cool when people take poorly written characters and remake/expand on them within a narrative to be actually interesting and multidimensional, it is really cool that people do that, but also you can't expect that every person who interacts with original media will do the same kind of mental gymnastics and additional work and accuse them of terrible misogyny when they're interpreting the characters the way they were presented to them in original material as is.

Hey, where are my DC x DP people at?

What if Jason came back wrong because the GIW had his little ghost self captured for 6 months?

Imagine it. The warehouse in Ethiopia happens to be on some powerful crossing leylines and a GIW agent is stationed to keep an eye on the area. She sees the Joker and his men. She sees Robin enter the building. Maybe the place is bugged and she even knows what's happening and she realizes... This is their chance. The GIW could get data on a ghost as it forms! This is unprecedented!

So, she waits and watches and records data.

And when the warehouse explodes, when the Batman has come and gone, when the response team has put out the fire... She searches. She finds Robin's ghost as it begins to form. She captures it, the scientific find of the century.

And six months of inhumane, dehumanizing experiments later, the ghost of Robin seems to shred itself as it's ripped violently through all the anti-ecto restraints and containments.

Maybe there's a perfect sphere left behind and Jason doesn't realize that he's missing his core. Maybe the recorded experiment logs are out there, waiting for the right hacker to release them. Maybe Team Phantom rescued the core and are searching for the being it belongs to.

Just some thoughts~

Hello, yes, I'd like to slam the entire 22 Redwall novels by Brian Jacques down onto the counter and then add several picture books, recipe books, and supplemental mini-series.

I would like to look the Internet at large in the eye when I say the following.

These books are an excellent way to see cruel people from their own points of view just as you can see the kind and heroic people's perspectives. It might royally piss you off, even, to realize that you have motivations in common with a scoundrel. That you will have sympathy for the power-hungry murderer. That you might mourn for a monster even as you're so glad the monster is dead.

And you're going to love these characters. You're going to love the camaraderie and the jokes and the squabbling. The coming-of-age stories and the parents seeking to protect their children. You're going to cry so fucking hard at some point, guaranteed, and it's going to feel so cleansing.

Also! Brian Jacques wrote these books with massive feasts and was particularly descriptive about taste. This is because he often volunteered to read to blind kids and became frustrated with how so many books relied on visual descriptions, so he made it a point to focus on a different sense.

I think every single book worm had that series that got them through shitty teenage years. For me that series was Tigers Curse by Colleen Houck. The series quite literly was my source of hope and joy during my early teen years. Was my lifeline. It's definitely YA and a little cringe to read as an adult but it's like a found friend that holds nothing but fond memories💙🖤.

What was your hard time book series?

Me - if I don't take these daily medicines I'm going to have side effects that include extreme nausea and vomiting

The Flu - you've already got that

Me - but I'd like it to not be worse please

(Art is by the amazing @dahtwitchi. This is a freeform collab with no real goal)

SugarMadara groans as his younger self licks over the head of his cock, mouthing it and sucking gently. He buries a hand in the man's hair, but his other grabs a handful of the eldest's mane, yanking his head to the side.

The danger is fantastic. A hand on his neck countered by his teeth on the other's throat.

"Mutually assured destruction, then. We can all stay right here, no one touches unless they're approached."

-

SugarTobi turns his head to catch gvTobi's fingers in his mouth. There might have been a garbled murmur of "my turn" before he begins showing his own talents. YoungTobi joins in for a bit before returning to leaving lazy hickies on his older self's neck, grinding himself slowly against the man's legs.

SugarTobi barely has the presence of mind to fetch the small tube of lubricant he's made a habit of carrying with him (he and his Madara tend to have stupid amounts of grinding sex and after that one time, he's made sure to stay prepared). He passes it to the eldest, pulling off from his fingers just long enough to mutter distantly "I'm gonna...'m falling, too. Fuck, whatever you want, I want to do, too..."

Fucking LOVING this energy, yes, thank you, this is a great take on a classic trope!

Jason would be so frustrated. He's kept his secret identity, but at what cost? I can only imagine the ribbing he'd get from his team once they find out, let alone the other Bats.

Now I'm thinking of the next inevitable invasion where all hands are on deck and half the League is wondering why Jason is still dressed as the Red Hood and the other half is wondering if the Bats don't know that that's Jason.

My favorite fic trope is the "JLA meets the batfam because they arrested Jason as he was undercover and now the family is coming to pick him up" one, but imagine. Jason gets arrested by the JLA while undercover, and is brought in for questioning, but before any of the batfam members even notice that he is gone, Green Arrow walks into the interrogation room.

"It's okay, Superman, you can let him go."

"Green Arrow, Red Hood is a wanted criminal on the JLA:s most wanted list-"

"What? No, no he isn't, that's just Jason."

Superman stares. Jason stares too.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me, that's just Jason, my son-in-law. You can let him go."

"...your son-in-law is the Red Hood?"

"No? Jason's not the Red Hood, he is just dressed as the Red Hood. He's in a mercenary group with my son, he does that. It's pretty easy to dress up as someone who doesn't show their face for a job. Jason's no Red Hood, let me tell you that. Or I guess I don't have to tell you that, since you've already arrested him."

Jason's not really sure if he wants to murder Oliver or not.

Superman stares. Oliver raises a brow.

"So? Can I have him back, please, we have a family dinner today and we're already a bit late."

"...sure."

Jason gets let out. Oliver throws an arm around his shoulders as they walk towards the zeta tubes.

"I hate you, Queen."

"You're welcome, kiddo."

JLA does leave Jason alone after that, though, because every time they see him outside of Gotham, they just go "oh that's just Jason dressed up as the Red Hood again, move on" and Jason doesn't know if he should be annoyed or not. It does make his work easier, but at the same time, it somehow feels like an insult.