Jason: "Dick, There You Are, I--"

just looked over to find my cat had somehow crawled into the sleeve of my jacket ???? fucking wheezing. the baleful worm

*looking at a picture of robin!dick on top of batman crying at a joker who didnt even doing anything yet*

Jason: BAHAHAHA

Dick: WHAT?!?! I was afraid of clowns! Sue me!

Tim: .....you LIVED at the CIRCUS!

Hilariously funny that they let the guy known for wandering off without warning to look at birds was allowed to do this

This

Our fandom forbearers did NOT suffer through Anne Rice, strikethrough, and other bullshit for fucking ACOTAR and Harry Potter fans to fucking ruin it for all of us by selling fanfiction. I am not losing novel length yaoi epics because some of you don't know how to act in fannish spaces and yes I do blame the booktokification of fanfic but I also blame those of you that treat fandom like content to consume and not a community to engage with.

You know the “Dad, How Do I?” YouTube channel? Yeah, that, but with Red Hood, and they’re unlisted videos that Crime Alley residents share with each other.

It started with goons stealthily taking videos of Red Hood ranting about shitty drug quality that they upload under the title “Boss on drug quality control,” primarily for other goons so that anyone can tell if the supplies have been cut with something and don’t need to waste time asking Hood.

Then videos from civilians start popping up too, featuring Red Hood lecturing street kids titled things like “RH on staying warm in winter” and “RH on how not to get mugged.”

Memorably, there’s a video titled “RH on classic literature (y’all did RH go to college???? Is our crime lord a lit major???)” where Red Hood imparts upon some kids the importance of reading. After a very positive reception, the uploader goes back to Red Hood, asks about a book they’re reading for school, and gets a whole lecture on themes and whatnot. It does numbers and becomes a series, and this time Hood knows the camera exists (he’s always known they exist, he just couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge them) and actually talks to it.

(Jason will do anything to help these children, whether it’s giving them a leg up in school, giving the street kids who aren’t in school some semblance of an education, or teaching them how to shank someone trying to traffic them.)

Red Hood never uploads any videos himself, but it doesn’t matter. Crime Alley crowd sourced its own version of Khan academy and it’s better for it.

Batman: Crime is abnormaly quiet today, one more round and we should go home, chum.

Robin (Jason): A-Okay. I may even have time to read a bit before going to bed.

Batman: I'll think about it.

Robin: We could go to Bat Burguer! Di-Nightwing said they have an amazing chocolate milkshake.

Batman: I don't know, Robin...

Robin: I'm sure they have banana milkshake as well or something fruity.

Batman: Hm

Robin: I knew it!

Batman: Hm??

Robin: You are a fruit bat.

Batman: what?

Robin: I was reading a book about animals and they say that of the 1200 known species of bats only three are vampire bats. You are too normal to be a vampire bat. Also vampire bats are smaller and you are very big and vampire bats move solo and while you like to prented to be moody and lonley you have me, Agent A, Batgirl and Nightwing and that just in Gotham. So you are a fruit bat. And you love fruity things.

Batman: *smilling* I suppose.

Robin: And that means we are going to drink the milkshakes because you can't refuse fruit things!

Batman: Because I'm a fruit bat.

Robin: Yeah!!

----- [somewhere in the future] ----

Robin (Damain): I'm the son of Batman, I'll drink your blood, Hood.

Red Hood: Nah, B's totally a fruit bat and as the "blood son" that just means you like banana milkshake, sorry demon brat.

Batman: *in the background, accidentaly listens* *happy hm*

Dick: So how long have you been doing this whole crime fighting thing?

Peter: Honestly, kinda lost track around the 90s but a long time.

Dick: That's rough. You got any back up like a team?

Peter: Nah. Been on several teams but none that stick. I like doing things on my own.

Dick: Any family?

Peter: Nope. My parents were CIA agents and killed by the Red Skull, the leader of Hydra, when I was young-

Dick: W-wait-

Peter: I was adopted by my aunt and uncle but when I got my powers, I let a robber go and that same robber killed my uncle-

Dick hearing aggressive running in the distance: Pete stop-

Peter: Yea and after being spider-man for a while I was hated by a news organization, was accused of killing my first girlfriend's dad-

*Aggressive running speeds up*

Dick: Pete, stop he is coming-

Peter: And then she died in my arms after I tried to catch her with a web but didn't factor in the momentum. And I have been non-stop struggling since.

*Aggressive running stops*

Dick: Oh no... he is here.

Peter: Who-

Bruce Wayne bursting through the wall holding a robin costume: SO, YOU'VE STRUGGLED ALL YOUR LIFE AND ARE, OR CLOSE TO BEING, AN ORPHAN??

Dick: PETE RUN!

Red Hood walking into his warehouse to see that Robin!Tim has made Hoods goons take him hostage in "What You're Longing For (You Claim to Abhor)" by @ghost-bxrd

Damian: If an adult needs help, do I help them? Dick: It depends. Damian: On? Tim: For starters, are you in your Robin costume? Damian: No. Jason: Then why the fuck would an adult ask for an eleven year old's help? Damian: I'm relieved I followed my gut. Dick: What did the adult want? Damian: To assist him in putting items in his vehicle. Tim: Was the vehicle a van? Damian: Yes. A white one. Jason: ... Jason: [taking out his gun] I'll be back. I have child kidnapper to kill.

Guests at a gala notice that Brucie Wayne is surprisingly jacked. Like, a suspicious amount of muscle for a CEO who lives a life of luxury and doesn't do any physical labour. An amount of muscle that goes beyond "works out to stay fit and look good". And when he's asked about this by a gossip columnist guest he panicks (he's running on 2 hours sleep) and says "It's so I can pick up my kids!"

Now everyone is looking at his kids. Cass and Tim are tiny at 5’ 5 and 5' 7. Damian is still a kid and he's also small. Dick is bigger, but picking him up wouldn't require that much muscle. Maybe Duke, who is still growing but looks like he could be about Bruce's height when he's fully grown? Maybe him?

Then Jason officially returns from the dead. And everyone looks at the 6' 4, 260lbs walking double fridge and goes "Ahhh, ok then."