You Know The “Dad, How Do I?” YouTube Channel? Yeah, That, But With Red Hood, And They’re Unlisted

Every time I see one of the “Bruce Wayne collects orphans” or “where does Batman get all these children???” jokes, I get this little ping in my head because, yes, it is a good joke, very funny, bonus points if it’s other characters trying and failing to combine Broody McBroodface with Tired DadTM. But also… 

I just can’t shake the conviction that no one is as baffled and bewildered by his ever increasing number of children than Bruce Wayne himself.

Like, this man clearly never intended to be a dad. He is Vengeance and Justice Committed to The Mission. Kids don’t factor into that. And to that point, it’s worth noting that none of his kids were premeditated. At no point has Bruce ever thought “maybe I want a(nother) kid.” They just sorta…happen. And not even in the usual way! (Mostly)

Like, Dick? Bruce wasn’t going “orphan shopping.” He went to the circus to to relax for once in his godforsaken life and wow, would you look at that, a vivid recreation of his own trauma and, oh, who’s this kid Batman keeps running into on patrol, wait, this is the same kid?! Whoops, I guess I’m raising this kid now, Alfred how do you raise a kid!?!

Jason? Yeah, Bruce was just doing his usual Batman thing when he ran into a homeless kid and somehow got too attached. Tim just showed up one day and said, “hi, I’m your kid now, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” (Really. you can’t stop me). Damien basically did the same thing, only with more stabbing. Cass…?? Stephanie????!!

(Bruce googling in the middle of the night: Is it normal to adopt your son’s ex-girlfriend?? Or did she adopt me??? Giving a kid an unlimited credit card and vigilante training counts as adoption, right??)

Point is, these kids just…show up, needing help, and somehow, for reasons that defy all logic, Bruce is the adult best equipped to help them. And yeah, Bruce never intended to adopt a kid (…or seven) and, no, he doesn’t exactly know what he’s doing, but these kids need him so he takes them in and does His Best because he’s the one who can. 

Which is all to say, I think we should see far more conversations re: Finding out Batman has approx. 5 million kids that go like this

Someone: What? Do crime-fighting orphans, just like…crawl out of the woodwork around you? Bruce, exasperated and visibly stressed: yeah, BASICALLY. 

Hiccup is such a dramatic person like hey DAD remember how you said I need to kill like a singular dragon to be cool well what if I killed the biggest fuck off mountain sized dragon and ended a three hundred year war that will stop about 76% of your current problems AND get permenant life insurance in the form of an extremely angry night fury. What if huh??? What if?????

Batman (1940) #624

Damian has favorites

Damian absolutely has favorite siblings, he actually goes out of his way to rank them using a method that lets their rank change depending on several different factors.

The first time Dick saw the list he left Gotham for a week to cry because he wasn't even on it and thought Damian was somehow disowning him until Barbara dragged him back to Gotham and made them actually communicate (terrifying, I know.) (It turned out it was just as simple as Dick was that much of a dad to Damian that it genuinely didn't occur to him to lump him in with his siblings)

As of current, the list goes;

Duke

Stephanie

Cass

Jason

Tim

Jarro

The placement of Jason, Cass, Tim and Jarro changes based on what they've done for him that week, how often he's seen them, if they've upset Father or Richard, any failings vigilante-wise, and mainly the idea of 'If they saw this ranking, would I be embarrassed about it?'.

Duke and Steph are permanently in the top two spots, they spots only change depending on how much Damian has seen and talked to them that day.

Patroled with Duke but Steph took him out for milkshakes and to annoy Bruce? Number one spot goes to her.

Duke takes him out for a ride on his motorcycle during his lunch period at school? Number one spot goes to him.

It's very notable that the list dictates his behavior to his siblings. Whoever's in the top spot? He'll let them carry him as if he's a fucked up cat with barely a complaint if they want to. They earned that. Five and below? He is actively pouring sand into their beds.

Steph is vaguely aware of the list but honestly thinks she's near the bottom or something. Tim is hyper-aware of it but doesn't know what the criteria are and keeps getting really competitive trying to get into the top 2 at least once, and he keeps failing miserably.

Imagine for me please Gothamites mocking Batman because sure he’s their ‘savior’ and all, but he’s also one of them and it’s been a few years since he’s become Batman so he’s well known and just- Batman: *growling* go home! Teenager:… gO hOmE~ like what are you? My dad? Batman:… Teenager:… I’m kidding please don’t adopt me - Batman: I am vengeance. I am the night. I am Batman.  Gothamite: ~I aM vEngeAnCE~ like do you practice that in the mirror? Batman:…  - Batman: don’t sell drugs to students Drug dealer: doN’T sElL dRuGs tO stUdeNtS- please as if you didn’t need drugs to live in college  Batman:… Batman:… just… not too much Drug dealer: *scoffs* of course not dude I don’t want them overdosing we need more smart people who don’t want to kill everyone- plus if they die I lose a customer Batman:… good to know

Teenager: *walking home from school, drops books* Batman: *watching from a nearby roof* damn that sucks Teenager:... Batman: Teenager: *grumbles as they bend down to grab stuff* Batman: stay in school! Teenager: *flips him off* ~ Visitor from Metropolis: ugh omggg this city is soooo grosss! its because none of you have superman! all you have is that wannabe furry Batman! Gothamite:... *looks up and spots Batman* yeah you right Batman: fuck you! Gothamite: *grins and flips him off* Batman: *leaves* Gothamite: *beats the shit out of the Metropolian for saying something as blasphemous as that* ~ Gotham citizen: ugh i got my hair all done and no one notice- Batman: *from above* ohhh emmm GGGGG that sucksssss Citizen:.... Batman: :) Gothamite:.. no one asked you you furry black hotpocket Batman: :( ~

How I’d introduce the Batfamily into the DCU

(This isn’t based on anything, this is my own imagination. I’m not up to date on all the DCU news)

1) The Brave and the Bold (2026)

* Direct follow-up to Superman (2025)

* Clark Kent and Lois Lane learn that kryptonite is being smuggled on the black market. In order to find the source, they follow a lead that takes them to Gotham City.

* Batman has already been established BUT he’s been retired for 3 years.

* The movie is a buddy cop centered on Clark pulling Bruce Wayne out of retirement since he needs help in finding the kryptonite smuggler. The thing is, Bruce is incredibly depressed and has lost his interest in crime-fighting when Clark first meets him. The reason why he is depressed is his character arc in the movie.

* Dynamic: Young, still kind of a rookie Superman working with a veteran, jaded Batman (but not DCEU levels of jaded, he’s more just cranky and sad like Worst Wolverine in Deadpool and Wolverine)

* The reason why Bruce quit being Batman is that his sidekick Robin - Jason Todd - was killed by Joker. Bruce also mentions that his first Robin, Dick Grayson, walked out on him and is now operating as Nightwing in Blüdhaven. There’s also Barbara Gordon aka Batgirl, who checks in on Bruce from time to time. She’s semi-retired from being Batgirl, mainly because she’s also dealing with Jason’s death.

* The kryptonite smuggler and the main villain of the movie turns out to be John Corben / Metallo. He gets beat by Supes and Bats and is sent to prison.

* By the end of the movie, thanks to Superman, Bruce has regained his spark and resumes being Batman full-time. He and Clark become close friends and Bruce gives Clark one of his Bat-Pagers/Bat-Phones if he ever needs his help in the future.

* Post-credit scene: Some kind of Justice League tease

2) Nightwing (2026)

* Nightwing solo movie. We follow Dick during one of his adventures in Bludhaven.

* Barbara Gordon is the deuteragonist.

* Tim Drake is the tritagonist. Tim isn’t Robin yet at this point in the timeline.

* Post-credits: Nightwing decides to return to Gotham in order to hunt down a vigilante known as “Red Hood”.

3) Batman: Under the Red Hood (2027)

* Takes place a few months after “The Brave and the Bold” and “Nightwing”.

* Batman has fully resumed active duty. He is joined by Tim, Batgirl and Nightwing. Nightwing says he’s only in Gotham for the Red Hood and that he’s uninterested in going back to being Robin. That being said, he tells Bruce that he should consider enlisting Tim Drake.

* Red Hood is hunting down the remnants of the Joker gang. He attacks one of their hideouts, knowing full well that the Joker gang members were meeting with Roman Sionis’ gang. Red Hood, viewing everyone inside as a legitimate target, just opens fire. Roman, aka Black Mask, becomes the primary villain of the movie since he wants revenge for what Red Hood did to his minions.

* Plot twist: Red Hood is revealed to be Jason Todd (whoa, bruh, betcha didn’t see that coming!)

* Black Mask puts a hit out on Red Hood as payback for his murdered minions. The Bat gang has to take down both Black Mask since he’s a crime lord who is out for blood and Red Hood since he’s a loose cannon serial killer.

* Black Mask is taken down by the Bat Gang. However, just as Bruce is telling Roman that he should be grateful that he caught him instead of Red Hood, Roman is shot by Jason Todd. Because of this, Jason becomes the primary villain for the last act of the movie.

* Finale is Batman vs. Red Hood. Bruce refuses to fight Jason and only reacts in self-defense. The fight eventually ends in a heart-to-heart in which Jason goes into a rant about how he’s still dealing with the trauma of the Joker incident. Bruce, despite feeling sorry for Jason, says he has to turn him in since he’s killed so many people. Jason says, “Sorry Bruce, prison’s not for me”, then throws a smoke grenade and makes his escape.

* Movie ends with Nightwing returning to Bludhaven (but on better terms with Bruce), Tim Drake becoming the new Robin, Barbara Gordon saying she’ll commit more time in being Batgirl, and Red Hood going after criminals in a different city.

* Post-credits: An imprisoned Joker learns his new therapist is Dr. Harleen Quinzel.

....You know on one hand I didn't mean to imply that 'that' was what happened but at the same time that particular associate tends to flirt with everyone he sees that's over 18 so it is admittedly entire possible..... also explains why the poor man was so embarrassed

Hello again Chancellor,

I recently thought of something and wanted your opinion, as you are no doubt familiar with, the dragons of Tamriel all share the same basic body shape, slightly rounded body, long neck and tail, two legs and a pair of massive wings, however my associate, during one of his adventures came across a shrine to Peryite and noticed that the Daedric Prince is depicted as a dragon with FOUR legs, with the wings placed upon the back, any ideas as to why this is?

Side note. My associate (usually) makes a point to not touch things he doesn't understand, as per your and Chancellor Antony's caution, the (to my knowledge) one exception was when he overindulged and decided to mess with an object that ended up containing a rather annoyed Iron Atronach. I still don't know how that happened and I didn't bother asking, the poor man looked embarrassed enough but let's just say that was one of his less poor choices that night.

Well, the answer to your question is extraordinarily simple: Peryite is depicted as a six-limbed dragon, because on the (very few) occasions when a reliable eye-witness saw the Taskmaster and was in any shape to report back, the Daedric Prince took this form. But why it takes this particular form is a subject of a heated debate among the scholars of daedric matters... at least when they remember that Paryite should be considered.

My personal theory is that half of the red-tape process is in Paryite's domain and it wants to actually hold a quill in suitable claws.

As for your associate... A balm of aloe vera does wonders on burns in sensitive areas.

Damian pressed an ice pack to his swollen eye, the aftermath of a dodgeball incident at school earlier that day. The gym teacher had thrown the ball at him for "asking too many questions"—except they weren't even playing dodgeball! Frustrated, he stewed over his options, realizing he couldn’t handle this alone; if he involved his brothers, they might end up getting arrested.

Damian (talking to himself, realization dawning): Wait a minute, my parents don’t even know how awful this gym teacher is! I’ve never told them, but that’s… not right. They should know, or this failed track star nut case will keep getting away with it. I can’t let this swollen eye be for nothing!

With a sigh, Damian removed the ice pack and pulled out his phone.

Damian (while snapping a picture of his injury): I hope they’re not disappointed in me for not fighting back.

He quickly sent the picture to both his mother and father in separate texts, captioned: Look what the gym teacher, Coach Marley did to me.

Talia, upon seeing the picture, spluttered tea all over her living room couch in shock. Her face turned an irate shade of red as she trembled with rage.

Talia: Oh, hell no!

Without a moment’s hesitation, she bolted from her seat, hopped onto a jet, and flew toward Gotham. Meanwhile, Bruce’s reaction was more restrained, though he nearly crushed his phone with his grip.

Tim (calmly, carefully taking the phone from Bruce): Bruce… Bruce, you need to breathe. Give me the phone; let’s keep this evidence.

Bruce growled in frustration but managed to take a deep breath, clearing his throat to contain his fury. School was closed, and it was too soon to go storming in.

Bruce: I need a night to work through this rage. If I go to the school now, I am going to shout a lot of hurtful things in her face because I can't hit a them!

Tim: That’s probably for the best. Do you need any of us to step in?

Bruce: No, I’ll handle this… but I have to call Talia. Damn it.

Tim: Do what you gotta do.

The next morning in her office, Principal Lynn sipped her coffee, reviewing reports, when she heard the sharp clacking of heels approaching. Suddenly, her door was kicked in, and Talia stormed inside, dragging the gym teacher along with her and tossing her onto the floor. The teacher barely appeared conscious and was crying heavily, bruised and battered.

Talia (pointing fiercely at the gym teacher): Explain to me why this harlot has been abusing my child and getting away with it!

Principal Lynn: I—

Talia (raising her voice): I paid you a significant amount to keep my son at this school, and you allowed her to throw dodgeballs at my child for talking?! Explain yourself, knavess!

Principal Lynn: Um, I can explain—

Just then, Bruce arrived, catching his breath as he took in the chaotic scene before him: the gym teacher on the floor, Talia standing over her, and Principal Lynn looking terrified.

Bruce: That… that harlot needs to be fired and arrested!

Talia: Thank you!

Principal Lynn: Right, on it. I’ll call the cops. Just don’t hurt me like you hurt her!

Talia: Call the cops, then!

Nervously, Principal Lynn grabbed the landline phone and dialed 911 while the gym teacher attempted to scramble to her feet. Talia, quick as a flash, delivered a punch to the teacher’s head, sending her crashing down again.

Guess who js rewatched httyd

Hiccstrid mayb soon teehee

....I did not realize I reblogged so much today... damn ADHD is wild