Year Of The Dragon!

Dick (Nightwing) and Jason (Robin) stare at Bruce. One sports pleading eyes, the other a shit eating grin. There’s a child between them with black hair and blue eyes.

Bruce, he doesn’t know what’s happening but he doesn’t like it: No.

Dick, grinning: He’s our younger brother now.

Jason, nodding seriously: You’re not gonna take him from us.

Tim, got kidnapped while taking photos of patrol, just happy to be there: Where’s the Batcave?

Bruce: what.

Dick, grinning wider: He’s ours now.

Very seriously doubt I will actually make a fic out of this but the DP x DC stuff has been rotating in my brain and I had to write this specific interaction down

Bruce, knowing Tim went out as RR when he was meant to be benched: do you have something to tell me, chum?

Tim, half asleep and drooling in his tea: sometimes Cassie and Kon make me curl into a ball and then use me as a baseball to play catch with while Bart stands in the middle and tries to catch me first.

Bruce: ….

Bruce: what.

Tim: they call me ‘piggy in the middle’

Bruce: …

Tim: somehow Bart never catches me but I think it’s only because he’s laughing so much.

Bruce, completely forgetting about Tim patrolling: I… I don’t know what to do with this information.

Loved this fic

Fic Rec Advent

For the first, we're doing Jason Take the Wheel by Miss_Lazy_Tuesday, genuinely one of the funniest things ever and I adore it so so much!

Be prepared for:

Crack

Some feels

Don't worry, there's crack to cover up the feels

Shenanigans

Explosions

Whenever Bruce can't do something as Batman he sends one of his kids in the cowl. Literally any of his kids. To deal with having to wear the cowl, they turn it into a game: will the justice league notice that Batman isn't the person under the mask?

Spoiler alert, they don't.

Somehow, the league never notices when it's not Bruce under the cowl, or at least that it's not the same person they all know.

Like never.

______

Hal: Hey Bats, you look taller today.

Jason, determined not to lose: hm

Hal, sensing danger and immediately backtracking: uh, that's not to say you don't usually look tall, I mean you just look taller today, um did you change your ear thingies?

Jason: *Batglare intensifies*

Hal: uh, I'm just gonna go

_______

Aquaman: you've been quiet this whole meeting, Batman, even for you.

Cass, currently wearing shoulder pads and absolutely insane platform boots: *a fim huff of breath*

Aquaman: right sorry, I forgot you were dealing with another mass break out from Arkham this week, you don't need to stay for the whole meeting. We know you probably know everything already anyway

Cass: *nods*

_____

Flash: Morning Batman. *zooms past*

Duke, absolutely befuddled:

Duke, quietly into his comm: you'd think the speedster would have the time to notice

The several batkids on the other side of the line: *laughing hysterically.*

Dick, wheezing: just do the thing where B tucks the lower half of his face into his cape like he's Dracula. You're doing great.

Bruce, from somewhere in the cave, actively giving up on the assumption that his coworkers have at least one working braincell between them: stop comparing me to Dracula, Dick

Damian: If an adult needs help, do I help them? Dick: It depends. Damian: On? Tim: For starters, are you in your Robin costume? Damian: No. Jason: Then why the fuck would an adult ask for an eleven year old's help? Damian: I'm relieved I followed my gut. Dick: What did the adult want? Damian: To assist him in putting items in his vehicle. Tim: Was the vehicle a van? Damian: Yes. A white one. Jason: ... Jason: [taking out his gun] I'll be back. I have child kidnapper to kill.

You know the “Dad, How Do I?” YouTube channel? Yeah, that, but with Red Hood, and they’re unlisted videos that Crime Alley residents share with each other.

It started with goons stealthily taking videos of Red Hood ranting about shitty drug quality that they upload under the title “Boss on drug quality control,” primarily for other goons so that anyone can tell if the supplies have been cut with something and don’t need to waste time asking Hood.

Then videos from civilians start popping up too, featuring Red Hood lecturing street kids titled things like “RH on staying warm in winter” and “RH on how not to get mugged.”

Memorably, there’s a video titled “RH on classic literature (y’all did RH go to college???? Is our crime lord a lit major???)” where Red Hood imparts upon some kids the importance of reading. After a very positive reception, the uploader goes back to Red Hood, asks about a book they’re reading for school, and gets a whole lecture on themes and whatnot. It does numbers and becomes a series, and this time Hood knows the camera exists (he’s always known they exist, he just couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge them) and actually talks to it.

(Jason will do anything to help these children, whether it’s giving them a leg up in school, giving the street kids who aren’t in school some semblance of an education, or teaching them how to shank someone trying to traffic them.)

Red Hood never uploads any videos himself, but it doesn’t matter. Crime Alley crowd sourced its own version of Khan academy and it’s better for it.

An eight year old Bruce Wayne summons Danny (who is 14 at the time, mind you) in the Wayne family manors attic.

Danny: please don't be a cultist please don't be a cultist please don't be a-

Danny:

Danny: That's a child. Why is there a child?

Bruce who honestly didn't expect his great great great great nth grandparents weird ass spellbook bullshit to work: [squinting at Danny in scrutiny] I thought the King of the Dead would be…taller.

Danny: Oh great and now I'm being insulted by a six year old. It's like Young Blood all over again, just more posh. And alive.

The office but it's just the Batfamily.

Batman/Bruce, in the middle of a huge argument in the diner room: I have no favorites.

Batman (to the camera): My favorite is Cass. She can neutralize every single one of us.

Camera on cass eating a bagel, while Bruce narrates: And I respect that.

---

Duke: Cass.

---

Cass: Duke.

---

Steph: Cassie!

---

Selina: You know who it is.

---

Jason (to the camera): Dick? Oh that's so fucking easy it's the gremilin

Tim (To the camera): It's the gremlin.

Oracle/Babs (To the camera): Damian.

Steph: Evil child.

Damian: Me.

Dick as nightwing in a rooftop walking around with his hands: Oh my god, I can't belive you even asked me this??! We are all a big ass family and- We just keep going, like there's so many people here who I never saw before snd they just *poof* keep spalming and- Like cmon guys get a grip-

Dick (To the camera): *sight*

Dick:... It's Damian.

----

Jason (To the camera) without batting an eye: Tim.

Cameraman: I'm sorry- *checks notes* I'm confused... Didn't you to- Tried. to kill Tim Drake once?

Jason:

Jason: So?

------

Tim (To the camera): I feel like I should say Bruce....

Tim: I mean it needs to be someone I admire, respect, enjoy and stand up for despite all flaws.

Tim: Like despite every single wrongs right?

Tim:

Tim:

Tim, horrofied: Oh my god it's Jason.

Jason on the other side of the window behind Tim wearing a full Red-Hood atire and holding a cellphone gen 1: HA-HA.

----

Alfred (to the camera): It's not Master Bruce.

Bruce: Alfred? Definitely not me.

Dick: It's Bruce.

Alfred (to the camera): You don't raise as many children as the fate bring to your doorstep by yourself, take care of their wounds, wait for them in a cold night without getting any type of rest until you receive a single sign indicating that they got home safe and then get the luxury to choose.

Alfred (To the camera): I wouldn't even consider the luxury of choosing.

Alfred, serving tea at the dinner table: You all made my hair go gray equally.

----

Babs (To the camera): Me.

----

Damian: This is ridiculous, obviously I would pick my father.

Damian to the camera: Nightwing.

---

Harley: I'm not even sure how y'all let me be part of this.

Camera man: We didn't-

---

Commissioner Gordon ( To the camera): If I'm being honest I feel like I resent every single one of them.

Commissioner Gordon: Except of course, my daughter.

wayne family adventures + text posts: batman edition

its my bisexual right to make superbat and batcat jokes in the same post. btw.

(batkids edition)

+bonus alfred (tw suicide joke)