It Feels Like I’m Just Back At Square One Again

I am forced to be awake every agonizing second to feel the worst mental pain in existence. I can’t kill myself because there’s such a big chance I will fail. Yet I can’t keep waking up like this anymore. This is limbo. This is my personal Hell. I can’t escape at all. I can’t fucking escape. I can’t leave. I have to be here and I can’t fucking do it anymore yet I am forced to because the alternatives are no better. I’m so fucked. I am so fucked

I’m legitimately going crazy and I feel like I’m out of control. I need friends. I need a life. I need to get better. My borderline and OCD control everything. I can’t go days without wanting to be off the face of the earth. I am legitimately so close to just ending it. I want to be better and I know how to be better but it feels everything that is thrown at me is meant to tear me down and to discourage me and keep me in one place. I can’t stand being like this anymore. I need help. I need a fucking life. I’m safe right now but the thoughts are still there and all it does is keep me in my bed and completely empty inside knowing that it would all be better if I just went away.

I wish you would come back to me please come back to me

Somebody please fucking help me I can’t take this anymore

THATMOMENT WHEN YOU ARE THE ENTIRE REASON YOUR BEST FRIEND IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND ANTMORE AND YOU FINALLY REALIZE YOU REALLY HAVE FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE BEUOND REPAIR AND YOU WILL ACTUALLY DIE ALONE THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU WILL NEVER BE RELATED IR LOVED EVER AGAIN OH MY GOD IM GOING TO BLEED OUT I HOPE MY BOYFRIEND CATCHES ME

I can’t stop relapsing I just want to fucking die man

I will encourage people to bully me into suicide I don’t want people to feel bad I want everyone to be happy that such a scum on earth cannot hurt anyone anymore or annoy anybody or burden them with things that are not important and extremely insecure and self deprecating

I am giving this behavioral hospital a try and if it doesn’t work that will be the confirmation

I have nothing to lose I don’t feel anything anymore

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.