Despite It All, I Still Find You Beautiful.

I want to die so bad fuck

Why do I keep seeing things that remind me of you or I would’ve sent to you if you were still here. God. I hate you so much please get out of My head

Suicide is something I am surprised you have never went through. Despite all your hardships in your life, there you are, standing tall and breathing. You’re accepting whatever life throws at you. This is something I will always love about you. Your strength. Your ability to say fuck you to issues that may be a really big deal to you, and to move forward. I wish that I would’ve been more like you.

I am sorry that I failed you. I am sorry that I did just give up. I’m Sorry that I had to disappoint you this way. I’m sorry that I made you feel ashamed, embarrassed, or uncomfortable with me when I was alive. I know a lot of the choices that I had made were not the best ones, that I made a lot of stupid choices on what to do with myself and who I involved myself with and everything, but I was just trying to escape. I was afraid to come to you because I know a lot of this stuff seems over dramatic, but it’s so real to me mom. It’s so real to me. And I was scared. I shouldn’t of been, but I was. There are so many things that I have not told you about that has spiraled me into these delusions. This isn’t your fault.

I’m sorry that I had made your life so much harder when I was born. I know that we got better as we grew up but I know that I weighed down heavy on you. I was a really big issue. I know that you would’ve preferred to be bothered by me than seeing me gone from your life forever, and im Sorry I’ve decided to make this choice. It isn’t your fault.

I will always forgive you. For every thing you’ve called me, for the years of depression you faced resulting in neglect, for all the arguments we’ve gotten into—every single bad thing that’s happened with us, it is behind me now. I will always love you. There really is nothing you could’ve done to ever make me stop loving you. You were my sunshine during rainy days even if you were the cause of the rain sometimes. You are only human and you make mistakes.

I will love you forever, all mistakes included. I am so lucky that I got the privilege to be your child. I’m so lucky that I was able to grow up with a mother like you. I’m so glad you raised me. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I’d rather have this fucked up life with you instead of having a perfect one with someone else.

I will always love you forever. My love for you will never go away, even into the afterlife. You will always be my best friend. You could never change that no matter what you may have done. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry I didn’t come to you.

I love you mom. I don’t know where I will be if there is an afterlife, but I hope that one day I can open my eyes and see you again. I hope that you go to Heaven if it’s real, even if that means I will never see you again. Never forget how much I appreciated you. Never forget that I will always love you from my entire being. I won’t leave your side, even in the afterlife. I love you mom. I always will.

I love you.

Getting beat and kicked down until I’m close to an unrecognizable mess and then you kiss me disgustingly on my blood filled mouth. I give you my full consent to beat the shit out of me and leave me clinging onto consciousness then admiring what damage you have done to me. I love being abused what can I say. It turns me on

I have a limited amount of days before I have to do it. I can’t keep living my life like this.

Many things make me happy but I have to wonder if it’s actually happiness. I feel empty with every single relationship im involved in. I’m not even really sexual that much anymore and unfortunately that says something about me.

At this point I just really give up. I try to find the positives. I think there are actually a lot of positives in my life. I have a great boyfriend, friends, most of the times my parents are good, and a lot of other things. But I can’t have these things forever.

I can’t just be a kid. I can’t just sit in my room and talk to my friends always. I have been robbed of a childhood yet in 8 Monday’s im graduating high school. I have not had a plan for my life because I didn’t think I’d make it this far. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do, honestly.

I have 8 more Monday’s (7 after this week) where I have opportunities to do it. I have 2 prescription bottles full of Geodone which is an antipsychotic that can cause Serotonin Syndrome. That is how ill do it. I will mix alcohol with it and maybe some sleeping meds to really seal the deal. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t fucking do this anymore.

I don’t know why the fuck I am so unfixable. Why I can just never really be happy. Why I can’t just function normally. Why what I am going through seems to never have an actual answer. What the fuck am I doing here then? Just to suffer for other’s amusement?

I feel guilt. I feel so fucking guilty. I can’t stand seeing people be nice to me about what im going through yet I can’t get enough of it. I feel like such a fucking loser. I feel such shame for having these emotions to the point I don’t even know if I should talk about them anymore. I’m just so sad. It’s so much worse than sad. This situation is just so fucked up. I want to die

I don’t feel as hurt as I would’ve back then. I’m still just upset thinking about you too hard though. I hate this shit so much. I just want you to hurt. I dont Even Need you to miss me, I just want you to hurt and realize what you did was wrong. I can’t even understand how you couldn’t see what you did to me was wrong

Why the fuck is it that you can move on and not care anymore and why is it not me why the fuck do I still have to suffer with caring about you why do I still care why are you just okay with being evil I try so fucking hard to forget about you and pray on your downfall I just want to move on why can you move on but I can’t this shit is just so unfair

I genuinely have never hated myself more than I do now nothing makes me feel better anymore I am just rotten

I dont want anybody to see me I don’t want to be around people I don’t want any of that I just want to be alone with no mirrors no nothing and just be by myself forever

I genuinely believe God isn’t taking me out yet because this is his version of Hell for me which is being but can’t successfully die and purposely he’s dragging me through all of this pain and forcing me to stay alive because he knows I want out he won’t let me out he hates me

This is genuinely Hell I’m already in hell and he shaped it to seem like I’m living an individual shitty life no this is a punishment i don’t know what for but I’m scared and nothing I can do will ever let him forgive me and I’m scared I don’t want to be an awful person

I want to be forgiven in general but I just don’t want this anymore ill be a good person if you just let me fucking go on to a different place please I have prayed asking for d**th and nothjng has fucking happened because he knows there’s nothing I hate more than being alive

Fuck I’m cursed I don’t know if this is psychosis I don’t know but I’m genuinely convinced I’m living in Hell and that this is a punishment for something I did long long ago I am genuinely convinced I’m In hell Icant get out of my own brain what am I gonna do