Not Even The One I Love Loves Me Anymore

I’m not even happy with my relationships or friendships anymore. I’m just so depressed. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I just can’t live life normally anymore.

I can’t see my loved ones the same anymore. I don’t see them in any sort of negative or positive light. I just see them as strangers. They’re all now strangers to me. My own mother feels like a stranger. I don’t have a family and it fucking hurts so much.

I can’t tell anybody the struggle I go through because they don’t understand or won’t even attempt to. They’re all so selfish. My problems aren’t their’s of course but fuck can’t I at least have some help? Why do I always have to do this shit myself? Why do I have to suffer alone?

I just feel there is no more genuineness. That you’re just staying because of familiarity and not because you actually love me.

I don’t feel close anymore. I feel we have just gotten so separated and I don’t know how to go forward with the feeling of being unloved or making you feel like you aren’t enough. I just don’t feel like im loved anymore. I feel so sad. What happened? Why do you not like me anymore? Why do you not want to be with me anymore? What did I do to our connection that made it like this? I’m sorry.

I still love you. I don’t want you to leave. But I feel you’re going to so I have braced myself for it by not being active much and being afraid and distant which has probably made you stop liking me. I can’t think of you actually loving me no more. We are so stagnant. What are we doing?

I hate this feeling and I’ve never felt more alone in my life. I just wish you loved me

I don’t have anybody

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.

I feel like puking i feel like I’ve just been robbed of all my love and that resulting in my hatred for romance I just . I’m so dysphoric I’m so bitter I’m so angry I just want an escape I just want someone for fucking once to love me and my imperfections and not prefer a specific fucking genital over my entire being I don’t know what to do I don’t believe anyone when they say they love me anymore because they’re fucking lying

I just want to give up on everything I fucking Hate my life I hate romance I hate sex I hate myself I hate everyone I fucking hate existing I just wish I was dead so fucking bad holy fuck I’m going to kill myself maybe that’s what I should do for my 18th birthday just blow my fucking head off

Tell my mom I love her but fuck her for bringing me into this world when I didn’t fucking ask for this

I can’t keep being alive I can’t keep doing this over and over again I just fucking can’t

I can’t do this anymore I can’t fucking do it anymore

I’m an embarrassment to fucking everyone

I hate talking about it. I hate hearing people talk to me. I hate being known. I hate being “out there”. I hate everyone who says they prioritize me then they lie to me. I just wish that I was stable. I wish things were right. I’m so fucking unhappy and I thought I was doing better but I’m just not.

I feel so weird talking to anyone right now. I don’t like it and I don’t want to talk to anybody I want to be left alone forever. I just wish I was dead. It feels like the good times truly could never make up for the misery the rest of my life has to give me. I fucking hate everything. I hate thinking about what comes after. I hate thinking about the death process. I hate it all. I just want it over. I want to escape and just never be known and be alone forever.

I don’t want anyone to have anything to do with me. I feel so depressed and I try not to let these emotions get to me but Jesus Christ it’s so hard not to. My friends all discard me and I get talked over and it’s so tiring.

I just wish I was loved. I wish that I knew I was loved and cared about and praised and adored and whatever the fuck. I wish I didn’t need anyone else’s approval. I’m so fucking over it.

It hurts less more and more everyday but I am still sad over you kinda. I miss you. Sometimes I want to unblock and go back to you but I know that wouldn’t ever happen and that’s okay.