I Can’t Keep Being Alive I Can’t Keep Doing This Over And Over Again I Just Fucking Can’t

Why do you hate me

I wish I was beautiful to you

I am so embarrassed that I made a scene and it’s honestly making all of this so much worse. I feel awful and I never want to show my face again

I am legitimately thinking about going on Tiktok or any social and encouraging them to genuinely be mean I will give them fuel I will tell them I’m autistic and transgender and was raped as a kid and sexually assaulted throughout my life and that I have no friends or ambitions and that I have family issues and then will encourage them to bully me into suicide and ill get more mean comments than nice ones because I’ll be seen as corny and attention seeking so no matter what I’m getting hate that will ruin my mental and finally drag me to do it

I feel so empty. I don’t know if I can pretend to be positive or anything anymore. I’m so tired of this cycle and I can’t keep going. I don’t want to keep going.

Everything is failing. I’m pushing everyone away. Nobody fucking cares about me or loves me anymore. I don’t even know the last time I’ve actually felt loved by someone else, not even my own partner.

I don’t even deserve that love anyways, and I don’t say that in the self pity type of way, but I sincerely believe im just an awful person. I don’t deserve the support or the love that I have.

I feel like a shell of a person. I feel like Everytime it almost gets better it just crashes down and it fucking sucks. It sucks so bad. Nobody fucking understands and nobody cares about me enough to even willingly try to understand. I’m so hurt about everything.

I’ve been distancing myself away from everyone besides one friend of mine, and that’s only because he’s readily available and is okay with me staying the night all the time. And now I have a weird dependency problem, now I feel weird when im not at his house or not around him because I can’t be by myself anymore.

I was by myself yesterday and I cut myself. I cut so deep in my skin that I almost reached the third layer of it. I broke my glasses and now they don’t even fit me anymore, they’re crooked. I broke my guitar stand so now I have to lean my guitar against my wall. I threw so many things, I slammed so many things, I cried until my throat was raw from screaming about how much I want to die in my pillow.

I want to die. I haven’t felt so suicidal in so long. I’m so tired of living. One of these days I’ll make my final posts on here because I can’t keep doing this anymore. I don’t know if anyone is reading these or even following me, honestly, but I’m not doing it for them. I’m just venting because I have never felt so fucking alone in my life. I’m not going to be here much longer

the thing that gets me the most about ableism against pd’s is that ppl will be like “these disorders make you an ASSHOLE!!!!” and then turn around and pretend that other disorders can’t and don’t make you act shitty.

depression and anxiety can make you irritable and snappy. they can cause you to refuse to listen to people and to be distant and withdrawn. they can cause you to seem angry, bitchy, rude, uncaring, etc.

ptsd causes an array of difficulties in forming meaningful relationships. it pretty much shakes up your entire worldview and sense of self a lot of the time. ptsd can cause you to get angry often. it can cause you to yell and scream. it can cause you to withdraw from others, run away, or cut them out. it can cause general changes in demeanor and more cynical worldviews. it can make you seem grouchy, negative, explosive, impolite, difficult, needy, controlling, etc.

and yet when people with personality disorders have symptoms of that nature, suddenly we are irredeemable monsters. when it’s npd, bpd, hpd, or aspd instead of ptsd or depression and anxiety, people suddenly and magically lose the ability to be understanding.

mental illness is an explanation, not an excuse. i firmly believe that. hurting others is never justified simply because you have any disorder.

but if you can be patient with people who have depression, anxiety, ptsd, ocd, or any other more well understood mental illness, you can be patient with us.

Everything I love is being taken away from me and revealing itself to all be a false sense of security I don’t think I need to be here anymore

I broke again today.

Well, not really broke. But currently I’m quietly crying.

I do miss you. I really do. I saw a video where it was two people who called each other mama and bunny and it just reminded me so much of you. It reminded me so fucking much of you.

I miss you more than anything. I know that we should go out separate ways and that we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I miss you still. I hate that it ended the way it did. I don’t even know if we still would’ve been friends, I don’t know anything about what could’ve happened because it won’t. And that’s okay. I really don’t need you in my life anyways.

You make me really sad about myself sometimes. I wonder why you treated me the way you do, but also realize you were also facing a lot. Maybe this is the way it should’ve been, where we didn’t even interact with each other at all. I miss you. It feels like such a big piece of me is missing, but I know that the void gets filled more and more everyday.

You did leave me with a lot of things to deal with, but I don’t have to deal with them on my own. I’m getting out more. I got a job. I’m back in school, and am going to attend big school things like homecoming and prom without worrying about you or wishing you were there. I know you projected a lot of your insecurity on me. And I’m sorry that you had to do that.

I’m also sorry that I might’ve added onto your insecurities too. My messages to you were hateful. But I’m not going to block you and apologize. I still honestly believe you deserved to be brutally humbled. It doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. And I still miss you. I miss you a lot, and sort of appreciate you reaching out. It meant you missed me, and that made me feel good for awhile. But I don’t need your validation anymore, you never really validated me anyways.

I gave my all to you, and while you didn’t give it back, I am glad that I was at least able to share my kindness. I am happy that i was kind enough to share my love with someone who I thought was nice. It means I’m a nice person, and you made me feel I wasn’t a lot of the time. But I only know that you were doing that because of your personal issues you took out on me. Maybe you just need to grow up.

I still miss you. I really do. And sometimes I wonder if I should’ve just stayed with you instead of breaking it off. But breaking it off is worth it. I will not hurt myself, I will not go to a mental hospital, I will not attempt nor commit suicide over you. I will handle this right this time. I am allowed to miss you and miss the happy memories we did share while also knowing that this was a good thing for me. I hate you a lot still, but the hatred lessens everyday, and I become neutral about you. I don’t know what I want to happen to you, but whatever it is, I hope it’s far away from me. I hope it never enters my life. Maybe one day we will talk again, and you’ll be better, and we can possibly become friends. But I don’t even want that, really.

I am still hurting, because I spent so much time with you in 7 months. But I was just fine before I met you, meaning I can be fine without you too. I know I can, and I have. Things will look up for me. And me missing you will lessen. Me wishing I could’ve shut up will be completely tarnished. You will not be in my brain anymore. You will then miss me again, you’ll regret what you have done, and I’ll be everything your brain consumes. And I’m glad for that. Just so I can let you know that I am much better without you.

I miss you. But I’m glad you aren’t here anymore.

Lol can you fucking imagine Look at this stupid bullshit I am such a fucking faker Jesus Christ No wonder people pump and fucking dump me I’m not worth anything besides sex and to be abused Jesus Christ No Fucking Wonder people sexually assault me then Leave me I fucking deserve it Lol I’m suchafucking idiot I am So fucking Stipid I am worthless not even my own boyfriendlikes me😭😂😂bi am so ugly Jesus Christ I am so fucking ugly inside and out I need to get killed

I’m grateful for my screenshots of so many new music recommendations to listen to in my phone! I’m grateful that because it’s a holiday my mom let me have two tiny shots of fireball! I’m grateful that I get to wake up early in the morning to watch my favorite cartoon before bed as if im a child despite being 18! I am so grateful to re-try a drink I once loved, don’t appreciate anymore, then take a sip of my favorite drink to remind me again why it’s my favorite! I am grateful for my five senses to be able to view the world!

I’m grateful for being alive even though there are days where I am blinded by my traumatizing experiences. I love my life and I love myself. I am growing up and that is amazing! Everything will be okay. Everything will be so very okay.

Have you ever thought that the reason those people you thought were “ride-or dies” or “day 1s” fall out with you because you’re the problem? Have you ever fucking taken accountability in your stupid fucking life ever? Absolutely not, you’re just an innocent esoteric victim who just has so much love for the world right. Fucking lol.

Maybe you deserve to lose those friends. You Definitely lost me. I enjoy leading You on though because I think you deserve a false sense of security and maybe one day I could just crush you. I don’t Know about that either honestly, if you were caught on fire I wouldn’t even piss on you. I’d enjoy the show.

It really is all your fault. If anyone is the weird one it’s you. Maybe get a personality besides a poor esoteric mysterious shithead and maybe people could actually tolerate you instead of pretending to tolerate you. I’m glad you know I’ve distanced away, but don’t you dare blame it on me. Maybe if you were actually likable and not an annoying cunt people would genuinely like you instead of pretending to care about you. Let’s face it: nobody ACTUALLY likes you. But I don’t know what people would want out of someone as worthless as you, either.

Do the world a favor.