I Think Im Going To Kill Myself

I have never cried About how fucking hideous I was until today. I bawled my eyes out and got so aggressive I cut open my knuckles from punching my headboard too Hard. I tried aggressively cutting but that didn’t work so I beat the fuck out of myself and now my legs are swollen internally. I dont know what’s wrong with me but I am very scared and upset and I just wish that I was Loved

I feel like puking i feel like I’ve just been robbed of all my love and that resulting in my hatred for romance I just . I’m so dysphoric I’m so bitter I’m so angry I just want an escape I just want someone for fucking once to love me and my imperfections and not prefer a specific fucking genital over my entire being I don’t know what to do I don’t believe anyone when they say they love me anymore because they’re fucking lying

I just want to give up on everything I fucking Hate my life I hate romance I hate sex I hate myself I hate everyone I fucking hate existing I just wish I was dead so fucking bad holy fuck I’m going to kill myself maybe that’s what I should do for my 18th birthday just blow my fucking head off

When I die nobody will be at my funeral

My hands got soaked in blood from punching my legs so hard it re-opened my self harm from a couple of hours ago

You’ll never really understand how mych you meant to me

I’m sos Kerry things ended the way they were. I know I don’t need you in my lfie Andy more because you aren’t right for me and I’m not right for you. That’s okay. But that doesn’t mean I dont love you. Maybe not romantically but I still have respect for you. I fucking miss you so much sometimes. I wish you erent a terrible personI . I love you so fucking much not like actual love but oh my god I wish you weren’t the way you were. You were such a staple in my life. Maybe not a good one but I fucking miss you sometimes. You were one of my best friends.

I am listening to a song that reminds me of you while under the influence. It’s Eva by orgy. “What happened to you? You know it makes me wonder” is a line that fucking kills me. All of it does. Please just come back one more time before I lose my mind.

I know you aren’t good for me and I know after im down crying over this INKNOW I will be okay. I just fucking miss the memories and I can’t cope with them properly. I do still miss you sometimes. But I know im feeling it stronger because I am an about to start and also I am drunk and high as shit . 8 8i just miss someone making me feel that way. It was a unique fun experience most of the time . I remember this sign playing while I told you so much how I loved you. Oh my god it makes me sick to my stomach

THISBIS such a good song too. God im so sorry. I’m so sorry for fucking E very thing. I love you so much and sometimes I’d do FUCKJNG a nything to get you back, but not really. I’m just really emotional right now:

You were sk important to me and you are someone I could never forget. I wish I could forgive you but I just have to question why you would do that to me. It’s okay though because I needed to get this cry out. You were such an important person in my FUCKIGN lfie and I took advantage of it and im fucking sorry. I’m so sorry.!8 wish they this never ever happened I’m sorry I even got with you. I really loved you. I can’t be upset with our you now really. This is what I needed. I neeeded to let you go . But I still miss you and still love you so fucking much. Sometimes. Just sometimes.

I’m not backtracking in my progress I’m just reaching a little bitty mishap and that’s okay. I just t miss you so fucking much sometimes . I just hope one day I’ll get the clairty that I fucking desvere. And if I don’t that’s completely okay. I just want to get over this. This is just a little thing cuz im emotional and drunk and high as shit. And this song turned on. I don’t even know why I’m crying over you. You don’t deserve my tears. Things are okay without you but sometimes i do think about you . And I just hope the best for you because I just can’t hate you anymore I need to move on z . It’s okay. We will both be okay. It’s al gona be okay. It really is. I I will be okay

I don’t want to live anymore dear fucking god just fucking kill me fucking kill me why can’t you fucking idiots just fucking kill me what do I have to do to fucking die. Please fucking blow my head off behead me dismember me set me on fire hang me drown me do fucking something and just kill me. I can’t do this anymore

I’m so sad and I miss you so much. You probably don’t miss me. I dont Even think you think twice about me. It kills me. Please come back.

I am legitimately thinking about going on Tiktok or any social and encouraging them to genuinely be mean I will give them fuel I will tell them I’m autistic and transgender and was raped as a kid and sexually assaulted throughout my life and that I have no friends or ambitions and that I have family issues and then will encourage them to bully me into suicide and ill get more mean comments than nice ones because I’ll be seen as corny and attention seeking so no matter what I’m getting hate that will ruin my mental and finally drag me to do it

THATMOMENT WHEN YOU ARE THE ENTIRE REASON YOUR BEST FRIEND IS NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND ANTMORE AND YOU FINALLY REALIZE YOU REALLY HAVE FUCKED UP YOUR LIFE BEUOND REPAIR AND YOU WILL ACTUALLY DIE ALONE THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU WILL NEVER BE RELATED IR LOVED EVER AGAIN OH MY GOD IM GOING TO BLEED OUT I HOPE MY BOYFRIEND CATCHES ME

Tomorrow was supposed to be our 8 month anniversary.

It sort of hurts thinking about it. Obviously I’m grateful it’s not, but man, what could’ve been….I don’t need to focus on what could’ve been. If I didn’t get what I want that’s because the universe has something better for me—and I’ve received that better already.

Its just going to take some time to heal. I’ve already been healing pretty nicely I think. I still kind of miss you because like … we spent so much time together. And I just hope you miss me too. I hope you eventually mourn you like how I do, and realize you’re missing something from your life that was wonderful.