I Can't Explain How Weird It Is To Know I Have Only Been Aware Of My Existence For A Short Time But Have

Winter forest. Moscow.

February 2023

# 26 . 07. 24

🦴 ! There’s an assumption that all physical therians / holothere identify as an animal on a physical level due to autism, psychosis or due to forming an animal alter.

🐾 ! However, I rarely see people discuss how other aspects of mental health influence their animal identity. In my personal experience, I think that my obsessive compulsions and intrusive thoughts are a rather large part of my identity as a physical therian.

🥩 # content warning for compulsive auto-cannibalism and emetophobia warning

♟️ ! I struggle with compulsive skin eating, I have sustained great nerve damage and broken bones from this, however I cannot digest human flesh and often it comes back up shortly after.

🦴 ! I am then frequently met with the urge to feed my regurgitated flesh to my ‘pups’. Whilst I do not have any children or pets, due to hitting sexual maturity at the age of 7, I deal with incredibly overwhelming maternal instincts despite being a man.

🐾 ! I often see others want to discuss the ugly side of therianthropy, the aspects that repulse most other humans, yet outside of mild species dysphoria, I am yet to see more than a handful of creatures discuss these animalistic urges that aren’t ‘tiktok ready’.

♟️! I am a coyote through and through, not just in appearance or connection. I am more coyote than just a fluffy tail or tall ears, I am coyote in my behaviour and real life too.

Headquarters of the French Communist Party, Paris. Oscar Niemeyer.

Thinking about nuclear waste disposal warnings, again.

im starting to suspect that we (the snare trap system) is another layer to the poke system.

its weird. the main system still seems to be stuck in this headspace of "we are a teen and we are still in the trauma". while our system feels more...like an actual adult? and we are able to step away from the trauma better.

the main system is stuck in the events still. like they are in a whirlpool. and we are outside observers. but we also existed in there at some point? we are just...not them anymore.

idk how else ro describe it. maybe layer is not the right term.

but the main system feels like they are still stuck in the "we are in the active abuse events". when it has been years since that has ended. we are in a safer and better place now kinda. still live with one of our kinda abusers? the main one is gone. so we are...safer than before.

it feels strange to have this sense of calm compared to Dune. Dune and I are probably the most connected out of the two systems. even Dune and Sonar are not as...similar as we are.

i feel like im a more mellow version of it. in some ways ig.

idk.

ig i shouldn't dig up too much before a stressful day. everyone in the main system is panicking and losing it. they are so scared of disappointing others. to be able to be so aware and step away from those feelings. that is what convinces me that i am totally separate from them.

i am aware i am not in the bad situation anymore. the main system is not. they still think they are a teen in many ways. i do not. they think that they are still under main abusers watch. i know that we are not.

i am clear headed rn. they are not...i wish i could help them. but their head space is like a mine field. and they are huddled in the middle of it.

i cant approach. i can only observe. Dune and Sonar are vaguely aware of me amd the others but they cannot reach us. i can see their emotions and thoughts and feelings but i cant go and talk to them.

its like being able to log into another computer in read only mode. i cannot modify anything. i can only observe. i try to leave "sticky notes" and such to help them but I know as soon as i stop fronting. there will be chaos again.

...i worry about them. but there is not much more i can do. :(

i just have to try and believe that they will be ok tomorrow.

its just you, me, and the thick concrete wall that protects you from radiation poisoning :3

and this perfectly placed geiger counter that goes *CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK* whenever im close!

Kyoto International Conference Center

i think that when the scientists released me, they put a radio collar on me. idk how it would track me cause im sure the fact that i am highly radioactive would cause issues with any sort of tracking mechanisms. but maybe the radio calls and such i hear in my head from the scientists is that radio collar.

i just remember wearing something that had a blinking light on the end of a short antenna.

i can hear the scientists making observations about me still...even though in this body, i do not wear the collar physically.

maybe they somehow modified it to transmit messages through my brain as well? so that they can communicate with me even if the collar is gone?

its too soon to try and wear collars again even if i feel i should be wearing one. even if it was myself putting the collar on me, it feels too connected to all the trauma.

im not a pet, i don't need a collar. i have too much..pain associated with being made to feel like a dog. i dont wanna trigger that stuff to the surface even if i think having a collar would be affirming in some ways.

im sad that there is so much grief and pain connected to my dog side. i want to embrace it. i want to love being a dog as much as i am a wolf. but right now is not the time and i do not have the mental strength to process that trauma.

sorry for rambling about this constantly. trying to process my thoughts and writing it down helps me process things. talking it out and such.