I Think That When The Scientists Released Me, They Put A Radio Collar On Me. Idk How It Would Track Me
i think that when the scientists released me, they put a radio collar on me. idk how it would track me cause im sure the fact that i am highly radioactive would cause issues with any sort of tracking mechanisms. but maybe the radio calls and such i hear in my head from the scientists is that radio collar.
i just remember wearing something that had a blinking light on the end of a short antenna.
i can hear the scientists making observations about me still...even though in this body, i do not wear the collar physically.
maybe they somehow modified it to transmit messages through my brain as well? so that they can communicate with me even if the collar is gone?
its too soon to try and wear collars again even if i feel i should be wearing one. even if it was myself putting the collar on me, it feels too connected to all the trauma.
im not a pet, i don't need a collar. i have too much..pain associated with being made to feel like a dog. i dont wanna trigger that stuff to the surface even if i think having a collar would be affirming in some ways.
im sad that there is so much grief and pain connected to my dog side. i want to embrace it. i want to love being a dog as much as i am a wolf. but right now is not the time and i do not have the mental strength to process that trauma.
sorry for rambling about this constantly. trying to process my thoughts and writing it down helps me process things. talking it out and such.
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i am beginning to suspect that the research center i was being held at was somewhere in russia. though really the only memories i have of the outside of the facility are lots of snow, very rocky and large open spaces, and not much vegetation? i am unsure of where that could be.
i wasn't allowed outside very often. very few times cause my radioactivity could leech into the surroundings. plus the scientists couldn't exactly keep me on a leash since they couldn't get very close to me.
i feel like the architecture was very brutalist. lots of concrete and steel and sharp edges.
its all very hazy.
trying to navigate figuring out what content of wolf i am and what breed i am mixed with. but it is kind of triggering to sit down and think about it.
my brain is rejecting the idea that i should associate myself with dogs at all.
even though im sure im a low content wolfdog.
i hope one day i can love my dog side. and not run away from it.
i just dont wanna acknowledge that i am domestic in any way. it feels like its proving those who hurt us right.
like yeah they were right we are just some dog and trying to pretend to be feral at all is foolish.
but I know that i am feral and wild. i may be part dog but my feralness will always be stronger.
for now at least.
just until i can learn to accept that i am also part dog.
its just you, me, and the thick concrete wall that protects you from radiation poisoning :3
and this perfectly placed geiger counter that goes *CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK* whenever im close!
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