Sometimes

Hate me

I won't blame you

If you shred me into pieces

I won't blame you

If you skin me alive and spit on my face

I'm a waste of space anyway

Undeserving of your love.

A sinner by birth.

A blackened heart,

That's used to the rage and hatred,

It can't build something so sacred.

So leave while you can

Before I stain you with my rust

Like everything else I touched

And turned it into meagre dust.

My heart sinks with some unknown feeling,

Whenever you look at me

for not being worth more than dirt,

not being worthy of your unswerving love,

For every beautiful moment you give me

my masochistic soul screams from inside

"Don't torture me by giving me hope,

Just hate me like I deserve."

Dear Bestfriend,

It’s not true..

That I don’t miss you anymore

I know I don’t call that often

And we don’t share the same town anymore

I know it’s been years since you moved

And we don’t see each other anymore

But it’s still not true

That I don’t miss you anymore

You’re the first person whom I called a friend

And not because it was convenient

We are as different as we can be

But somehow we make it work

We have little interest in common

But we still talk for hours

You don’t relate to my struggles and pain

But you’re still with me at every bend

-----

Dear Bestfriend,

I know you miss me too but you won't say it out loud. But I'm not a coward like you. So there it is.

I was tired of this unending race

So I paused to take a breath

The exhaustion,

The weighing down emotions

I took a minute to acknowledge it all.

But when I opened my eyes again

I was stranded in a land

Lost in time

Couldn't find a soul

Be it a friend or a foe.

The world can always find ways to disappoint you, even in the things you have no expectations in.

To me...

You were my pain

A cruel feeling

That consumed my mind.

Till I forgot everything else

You are all I thought

And you are all I felt

You were my anchor

That didn't let me surface

I was bound to you

Until the day I drowned

And it was relief I felt

With the release

Of my last breath..

To you,

I was your shadow

Always following you

In stormy nights

In grainy lights

Even in your darkest hours

When you were too immersed

In your own darkness to see me.

I was your air

Essence of your life

But unnoticed

Until the day I left

And you realised

What suffocation is.

I was your sun

You frowned

Whenever you looked at me

Hid yourself

In my presence

But you didn't realise

Without me

No dawn is coming.

How does it feel

To be alone in a mourning

Amongst the crowd of people

Singing and dancing

How does it feel

To be not be able to scream

While your heart is being sliced

In thousand little bits

How does it feel

To be burning in a sea

And concealing the scars

Behind a polite smile

How does it feel

To finally realise

How insignificant

Your life truly is

How does it feel

Wanting to be erased

From everyone's mind

While craving the attention

At the same fucking time

It's amazing, isn't it?

How a little distance

can change your perception of life

Showing you the whole picture

Not just the pieces with terrible colour

It's amazing, isn't it?

How a little pause in your life

Is exactly what you need

When you've lost

all hopes to win the race

To reflect on your flaws

Or to gain some insights

It's amazing, isn't it?

How a higher altitude

Makes the world seem beautiful

Hiding the ugly cracks

It shows a picturesque wall

Born again

It's been two decades since I was born

With everyday asking myself 'what for?'

With everyday looking up to a stone idol

Expecting answer to the one question I can't utter...

It's been one decade since the realization struck

That all those pleas and questions I sent

Was received by a room full of nothingness

And even if some soul lingers in that darkness

He doesn't care about a girl with a cruel fate...

That whenever I looked up at the sky

With the hope in my heart to find salvation

All along it had nothing to offer

Except darkness and suffocation...

It's been some years since I came to acceptance

That a tree can't move away from its roots

It took some time to put back the pieces

To mend something that has always been broken

To stand up and walk again

I still have the scars and one fragile heart

Unanswered questions and unfulfilled wishes

But now I know, it doesn't make a difference

I can't cut my roots but I can still grow

And that was when,

I was born again.

एक सवाल आपने किया

एक हम भी करते हैं

वो राम जी हैं

जिन्हें सब आदर्श मानते हैं;

छोड कर अपने राज़ मुकूट

उन्होंने पीता का वचन निभाया

बिना भोग वीलास के

चौदा वर्ष वन में विताया;

आपने प्रेम का वंधन

जोड़ा सिर्फ़ माता सीता के साथ

मगर जब लांछन लगा उनके

चरित्र पे, छोड़ दिया उनका हाथ;

कहते हैं प्राण से बढकर

वचन है रघुवंशियों का

विवाह के सात वचनों में एक

रक्षा अपने पत्नि के सम्मान का;

क्या पत्नि से किया

वचन का कोई मान नहीं होता?

आखिर क्यों सिर्फ़ एक अच्छे

पुत्र बन ने से वो आदर्श है कहलाता?

आखिर क्यों ?

आज भी,

रामायण और महाभारत देखने पर

कुछ सवाल आते हैं

और मन को विचलित कर देते है।

क्यो माँ सीता के चरित्र पर सवाल उठाए गए ?

क्यो उन्हें अपवित्र कहा ?

भगवान राम के सामने उन्होंने अग्नी परीक्षा दी थी,

वह सब जानते थे,

फिर ऐसा क्यों हुआ ?

क्यो पाङव और कोरवो के खेल में

द्रौपदी का सौदा हुआ ?

क्यो भरी सभा में

सभी के सामने चीरहरण हुआ ?

क्यों किसी ने कुछ नहीं कहा ?

क्यो सब मौन रहे ?

वहाँ तो कृष्ण ने आकर

द्रौपदी का चीर बढा दिया था,

पर क्यो हुआ ऐसा ?

न ही सीता और द्रौपदी

त्रेता युग में और द्वापर युग में

सुरक्षित थी

और न ही आज कलयुग में सुरक्षित है ।

_______________________________________

-writingsbypb

( मैं भगवान के विरुद्ध नहीं हूँ, बस इतनी सी बात है कि क्यों ऐसा हुआ और क्या कभी इन सवालों के जवाब मिलेंगे ? )

18.11.2020 (114)

Picture - Pinterest

It's flooding

All over

Everywhere

The city's sinking

I'm drowning

Helpless

Waiting

For the waves

To calm down