Just Bought This Book So Saving This For Later!

Reminded of someone saying that that was his way of saying "Dude you're gonna follow right after me lol." and that has been in my head for the past month and a half just waiting for the hours to tick by until March.

I don't care what official translations say, I chose to believe "Et tu, Brute?" translates to "What the FUCK, Brutus?"

My second post about Beau is Afraid tonight an I have to say. It does an amazing job reminding you of all the things you went through with an emotionally abusive and or abusive in general parent and especially mother.

You sit in your seat thinking and thinking and then, the thinking stops. You'll go about your life forgetting it all again to protect yourself when you aren't protecting yourself at all. Because those habits are as rooted in you as the stains from the pumpkin smashed on gravel and left for weeks. You'll go back to a version of your mind before remembering and when someone asks about your childhood and your parents in particular you'll most likely say "I dunno." or brush it off in general. You can't take the time to remember right now and you don't know if you're actually remembering it right or if it's all true. You don't want to face the truth. If you're wrong you're accusing your parent of something you can't take back. Because your parent is your parent and you shouldn't feel that way because they did so much for you so bury it. Bury it deep or it'll come up and something bad will happen because it always does. A bit of a rant that went of the rails but yeah. Good job to everyone that worked on it y'all did bomb!

Shoutout to all the children of parents that are abusive one way or another that sat their parents down and watched a movie that was a clear plea for those parents to realize that you needed them to be more of a parent and not an abuser. Sorry if it failed and congrats if it changed something if anything. Y'all did a good job speaking out even if it wasn't your voice speaking!

Growing up neurodivergent coupled with abuse (mainly emotional) definitely shaped the way I see myself gender wise and existing in general.

I felt like a frankenweenie of a person. A stitched up creature in the shape of a dog that wore a shirt and pants.

It felt like my main abuser, my creator, didn't want me to be a human. That for some reason other children were stitched up with love and fresh flesh in the shape of a human while I was stitched up and patched together with wooden screws and dead flesh in the shape of a dog. And when people asked what the smell was she always pointed to me as if I'd chosen to wear a rotten suit.

I sat stuffed with organs that didn't belong at the table with my creator and others like her and tried to pretend I was made up of the same stuff. Everyone tried to pretend too. But there's a difference between a human's company and a dog. My tail always hit the table in loud thumps until it fell off and I would crank my head to chew while everyone else ate normally. Something always ruined the already horrible disguise. And then the whole table would point out how truly horrible the disguise was. I would retreat to the ground with my ears folded in.

My creator wasn't afraid of telling me how the green mold and cracking of bones were becoming too much of a problem. Most days it felt like she had given up on even looking at me. She had a dog for a child and I knew myself that I was in no way better than a real child. I was a dog. No dog made up for a human. And no human wanted a dog for a child.

I see myself in the mirror and try to imagine a version of myself that's human. A womanly me, a manly me. But I still end up poking and shoving that dead flesh back into its stitch before I get dressed. I know I'm human. I know I'm human, but here's a disconnect between the words me and human.

(Most of my posts have been me talking about my experience with being neurodivergent and having cptsd since Tumblr for me is a place where a bunch of skrunkly humans join and be skrunkly humans for however long this site stands up so here's another post about that.)

Anyways, that's it for tonight I got to scroll all the way back through my last searched tag since my Tumble crashed.

Brokeback Mountain probably stole this. Or this stole this from Brokeback Mountain. Not sure, but one em has their pockets fuller than when they walked in.

please stop associating the term neurodivergent with JUST autism and adhd. like please. there are so many ways to be neurodivergent and it’s not fair to assume that it’s just about autism adhd.

It's a love hate relationship for me towards the fella, he was such a contradictory yet understandable person and as a neurodivergent person I found some serious similarities between him and people like me that fall under the category.

He wasn't some knight in shining armor but he is owed some due respect that I personally think The Great didn't do a good job at portraying even though they openly and I will admit pretty hilariously admit to not following the exact history as well as they could.

He had faults but it's important that people understand that neurodivergent people and royal who when where and whys have been demonized and negatively viewed throughout history. Especially to show favor and disfavor that would hopefully turn people's opinions willy nilly, Richard III of England is a good example of someone in history that was framed in bad light for political gain and what not.

We'll never really know because at the end of the day, he's dead and buried. But there's such an insane amount of assumptions around him that do more negative than positive when he himself didn't even want the title. There's always the annoying "They were a child" take but in his case, it's true. People's forget that most royals WERE young and if you haven't lived their life or a life similar you can't really understand the kind of damage someone takes going through some heavy weight like that and what all comes with it. He was orphaned too young and then brought up to be king of a country he didn't even want to commit to entirely. There's the theory that he was an age regressor and we can't really prove it but I think it has a fair standing. And if it isn't true, hey, adults can enjoy things people see as childish plenty.

It really sucks that in shows like The Great and so many more period dramas that the faces of historical figures are done such disservices by making them one dimensional people when there's too many dimensions to count. And besides, people sadly wouldn't be too interested in watching a show about a "Hideous" boy turned immature ruler along with his wife who was equally done as dirty as him and unprepared as him. Who's really good for a throne anyways?

Anyways, that's my rant and there's plenty I didn't cover and probably don't know anything about but it definitely rubbed me wrong that so many people don't actually look enough to scratch off the pure villain role he's been dealt.

Edited bit: He was a grown man yes again, there's no denying that. And I wouldn't even try to deny that.

Peter The Third of Russia, in my book, was somehow neurodiverse.

For the people who know him from the show ‘The Great,’ I do not like how that show portrayed him. From my research, he was less of an immature party boy, and more an awkward man who fully admitted he was not king material that happened to enjoy toys. Also, I could not find any reliable sources saying Peter abused animals, and, in fact, apparently some of the incidents described didn’t make a lot of sense when you look at the time period. (Pet bears were illegal in Russia when Peter supposedly shot his.)

Quick moral to the story: adults are allowed to own, collect, and play with toys, and still be mature people.

Hell yeah! Transness is no one way street and it ain't clear as a blue sky.

Your transness is whatever you want it to be with no care or concern towards others because they don't hold your soul. You do.

If an individual trans man did transition as a trauma response to misogyny, or a trans woman did identify as such because it's tied to her kinks, both of them would still be valid. Every reason for being trans is valid. When transphobes bring out those canards, we act like those are hideous things to be when we should be treating them like reductive stereotypes that are one of ten million different reasons someone might identify the way they do. Neither inherently undermines other trans people.

When you say "how dare you accuse me of being a disgusting faker like that" you're playing by transphobic society's rules. Do not believe that you can convince them your masculinity is truly destiny built into you from birth, or that your femininity is squeaky clean.

beau is afraid is uncanny in separating who understands or has experienced cPTSD and who has not because those who have not think beau is just irrationally anxious and “too afraid to live his life”. meanwhile those with cPTSD are like um he actually was abused emotionally/mentally/physically (medications)/sexually/financially his entire life and has learned pattern recognition but go off i guess? like these are the same people who think once someone is 18 they have full control over their lives, so they don’t understand why disobeying a parent might result in homelessness which may result in disabling illness which may result in death lolol. they can’t put those chains together because they weren’t constantly abused and punished. they’re the same people who don’t get why gypsy rose didn’t just “tell the police” (even tho she did try that).

another scene i particularly liked was the mother screaming at beau for not making decisions. for needing clarity or asking questions. reminds me of my entire autistic childhood and adults yelling at me. still makes no sense.

crawling back to this tumblr account after the tiktok ban feels like driving back to my old home in the countryside,, gently wiping away the cobwebs and the dust that's settled in my absence,, nothing changed, nothing out of place,, a memory of a forgotten era; frozen in time,,