Red

Our waiter said...

to me and my fiancé, who is blind in one eye, and partially blind in the other eye, as he saw me leading my man to the table.  My man was holding onto my elbow, which FYI, is a good way to lead blind people because then they can feel every movement you make a couple seconds before they have to make the same movement, ie, steps.

Waiter:  Oh, it's so nice of you to lead him.  You're a good person. Me:  This is my fiancé. Waiter:  Oh, I thought you were helping him. Me:  I am, because he can't see that well. (I look over at my man, and he has this smile on his face, as if to say, "this guy,") Waiter:  I guess you only need one menu then. Me: Yep, one menu would be great, but he already knows what he wants, like usual. (My man is a creature of habit) Waiter:  Where are you from? Me:  I'm from Columbus, Ohio. Waiter:  No, where are you really from? Me:  Well, I was born in New York Waiter:  No, no, where are you really from?  Are you American? Me:  (sigh)  I'm Chinese American Waiter:  So you're from China. Me:  (I look over at my man, and he's trying so hard not to laugh)  No, but my parents are.  (Before our waiter can ask)  Yes, I speak Chinese. Waiter:  Good, good, enjoy your dinner. My man:  Well, that was awkward Me:  the most awful 3 minute conversation ever. ~~~~~

I know that some people don't know better, but from the way that the waiter was speaking was like he couldn't believe my man wasn't retarded and eating from a straw the way he looked at him with pity.  Please, though my man may be legally blind, he is so much more aware than me. He protects me, he makes me walk away from traffic, so if a car comes barreling over, it'll hit him before it hits me.  He helps teach a woman's self defense class at OSU. 

He allows women to pepper spray, punch, and kick him, and doesn't mind when the women giggle as he writhes in pain.  He'd rather he get hurt than them.  He also carries a gun on him, wherever the law allows him.  He teaches Conceal and Carry classes. 

He's very skilled at shooting, and that's where he met many of his friends.  They are extremely loyal and great towards him.  They trust him, and vice versa.  Yes, he is legally blind, but he also has sight.  It's all very confusing, and it's a story for another time. 

It just really bothers me when people take one look at him, and that look of fear or pity show up.  I don't think I'll ever get used to it.  Eventually I will, but not now.

Haha

A lovely butterfly.

I’m off the grid

I’m basically off the grid. Aside from Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, instagram, my 5 email addresses, my online banking, my car, my house, my marriage license, credit cards, and my online persona of, “that darn Asian,” the government can’t find me.

“I love you. You’re mine.”

When this episode started, from the moment Villanelle said “gentleman” and Eve panicked, and immediately shot to the door, to get to her, to help her, I knew that this final piece of the puzzle would all be driven forward by two things and two things only ; misconstruction and feelings.

Misconstruction. Misunderstanding. Miscommunication.

It’s the biggest, most important part of Eve’s and Villanelle’s relationship, always there, underlying their every interaction, fueled by denial (from Eve) and struggle (from Villanelle). This has been true for a while. I’ve always thought of Eve and Villanelle as two parallel lines. They may be moving towards the same direction, they may be similar, they may be close - but they rarely join at a point. When they try to, something happens, something goes off or something’s missing.

But they do clash, eventually.

This has happened only two times in this show : in the first season finale, when they meet at a point - quite literally, the pointy end of Villanelle’s knife as it’s plunged straight into her gut by Eve herself, and now, in the second season finale, as Villanelle’s emotion drains from her eyes and she pulls the trigger coldly, Eve falling to her demise.

And to get there, to Villanelle shooting the only thing she truly seems like she ever cared for, we are driven by a series of misunderstandings. The epitome of two characters not being on the same page.

From the start, Eve runs to Villanelle to save her, but Villanelle never really intended to be rescued. Eve thinks Villanelle could kill her, but Villanelle was never planning that even when she asked her. Eve is worried, she wants to run to get help, to save the mission but Villanelle has moved on, she’s ready to leave it all behind already, grab Eve and just go. And then Eve stops, and she shouts at Villanelle, and Villanelle realizes that they’re very much not on the same page, so she also stops. She makes an effort, she wants to join Eve, clash into one. But Eve then moves forward, literally leaving Villanelle behind, to meet later.

Later. They see each other again. Villanelle is being choked to death, and Eve has to make a choice, a terrible choice, and Villanelle manipulates her into finishing the job. When Eve does it, we realize that she’s never looked more like Villanelle, she’s never felt more like Villanelle, and Villanelle feels the same, gets excited. In so many ways, they’re so much closer now than they have ever been, and yet, without realizing it, Villanelle has literally never been further from Eve. Moving too fast, moving on already (“slow down” Eve said), because again, there’s a massive misconstruction there : Villanelle thought that Eve was ready to feel a life lose its light underneath her, but Eve is lost, afloat, blank. Her world is crumbling underneath her feet and Villanelle, though tedious in her efforts to anchor Eve to reality, to meet her at one point, to finally leave the parallels and just be, fails, (notice how Villanelle tried to touch Eve several times, leaned in, smiled, and Eve rejected her) because the distance between them, inadvertently, is too big now.

Later. Villanelle is moving, and so is Eve. Villanelle thinks that Eve is moving with her, that they’re together, that they’ve met at that point when she offers dinner and Eve answers, simply, “spagghetti”. And though she realizes that not everything is okay, she believes that everything will be okay.

But Eve doesn’t. Eve is going through the motions; in reality she’s not even there with Villanelle, but mechanically, she’s moving.

And then. Boy… oh boy.

What leads to the showdown between her and Villanelle is one more, one last, goddamn misunderstanding. This time, we know this misconstruction, we’re familiar with it. It has been there since day one. The whole show is built on it.

“I love you. You love me. You’re mine.”

Villanelle does love Eve. Villanelle thinks Eve loves Villanelle. She’s drawn connections. She’s perceived their relationship as one thing, she’s calculated every interaction the only way she knows, she shows her care the only way she knows, she thinks she did Eve a favour. She doesn’t understand why Eve is angry. She doesn’t understand why Eve rejects her. She doesn’t understand.

She thought it would be okay.

But Eve knows it won’t. Eve doesn’t see what Villanelle feels as love. Eve doesn’t feel good about killing the man. Eve does not know what she feels for Villanelle. Eve was not ready, and she’s not ready to run away with Villanelle either (denial) while Villanelle is clearly rushing to catch up, to find Eve, to get to that single, mutual point, before she loses Eve. You can see the clogs turn in her mind (struggle).

She screams, she shouts at Eve, she’s trying to figure it out, she’s trying to find the glitch in the plan, the miscalculation. She’s trying.

But they’re too far away now. Once more, Eve, in her own attempts to interpret the situation, to understand it, misconstrues. She tells Villanelle she got what she wanted, that they’re same now. But Villanelle hasn’t got what she wanted. Sure she thinks they were the same and she loves that, but what she really wants, is Eve.

And when Eve walks away, unresponsive to Villanelle, telling her that she doesn’t understand what love is, crying, ignoring Villanelle’s plea, for the first time in so LONG they are finally on the same page.

It’s not going to be okay. They are parallel lines, they are too far away, they can see the burning bridge between them now.

And when Villanelle realizes, when Villanelle finally catches up, she feels it, and she does what she does best. She shoots. Her eyes follows Eve’s body as it crashes to the floor. And in that moment, in that one single most painful moment I’ve had to experience from a TV show in AGES, the two of them clash, they finally meet in one point, ironically, a point we, as viewers never wanted them to reach and even more ironically, a point they’ve met at before, a season ago.

True to her character till the end, Villanelle walks away (again), and the lines brutally separate (again).

We are left behind to pick the shattered pieces of our own hearts and wait a year for those lines to ever have the sliver of a chance to get back to each other again.

…Good luck lads.

I try to be understanding with every person, and try to view posts from their point of view if they get upset. I'm glad you're so outspoken and so open with your autism. You are lighting the way for more understanding, and leading the way for an open dialogue. That's awesome, my friend.

As for the kiddo, he had another seizure last week at the YMCA while swimming. I'm heartbroken, the doctors don't know why he's getting seizures. Fingers crossed all is worked out soon.

His eyes...

she thought, are beautiful. There is life in there far beyond her reach.

Behind his eyes was freedom, far from the chains of his mind and the complex bondage he was held fast to. If only he could reach out. But he is left with a blank stare and various stimulation that were expressed with a flap of his arms, and twirling, his constant twirling around.

She held fast though, returning each time to look into his eyes, because she knew, she knew there was freedom behind his eyes.

A freedom that would break free for an instant, and he would focus and be free from the chains for but a moment, and stare back with recognition, with a single word on the tip of his tongue, but would never be uttered; “mom.”

His eyes, she thought, are beautiful. There is life in there, far beyond her reach.

Be careful, feminism is just another label people like to throw around and feel superior with. Just live your life and don't worry about it. Treat women the way you treat your phone; with care and intense fear of breaking. I could be wrong.

Mind over mind

Sometimes the part of my mind that says, “you’re not good enough,” is loud and unrelenting.  It says, “Who do you think you are that you think you can be who you are, do what you do, live the way you do,” so on, and so forth.  But I’ve learned to stand up to it and say, “You are not stronger than my happiness.”  Over and over I say this, sometimes the little voice quiets down in a few minutes, or sometimes it doesn’t, but it never puts me to sleep, because my happiness wins out.

Honoring yourself...

and being truthful to yourself.  I haven't really delved into this whole mindset that you can forgive yourself when everybody else has or hasn't.  I have so much pent up guilt within myself that it's sometimes suffocating, that sometimes on those rare moments that I have time to think, it makes me dizzy when I think about that one event in my life, or that one memory of a memory that isn't really complete, but you know it's there, but forever fragmented every time you try to recall.

I'm 32 now, and I'm allowing myself, little by little to let things go that happened to me in that past, so that I can gain new experiences, and not let the past weigh me down.  But like they say, it's easier said than done.  I want to heal, I want to not have guilt and pain so easily manifest itself if I'm alone. 

Also, people get this mixed up sometimes.  Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely.  People say that so freely, that I sometimes wonder if the lonely they're talking about is them just being bored. 

I was asked, "If I don't have this (insert emotion), then what am I?"  I asked myself this the other day.  If I didn't have that abortion, and the pain, depression, and guilt that came with it, then what am I?  It's been 5 years, and I hardly know myself before all that happened, that I have to ask myself, could I ever go back to the girl I was?  Probably not.  I've built walls, and I've found comfort in things that brings me joy, that probably wouldn't even cross my mind 5-6 years ago.

I was also told once that you change every 5 years or so, and I didn't used to believe that, but now I do.  I definitely am not who I was 5 years ago, nor do I want to be.  I'm honoring myself by being truthful to this decision.  I'm happy, and that's all that I can ask for.  It's more than anyone can ask for.

Be well, my friends.