If Anyone Is Looking For A Terrifying Non-fiction Book To Read I Recommend Voices From Chernobyl. Svetlana

My inability to feel...

There are times in my day that I stop what I'm doing and I feel my heart just to feel some semblance of life. I've been so accustomed to acting normal all these years that I don't know if my smiles are real, or if my laughter really sounds what I used to sound like. It's been almost 4 years, and this depression has not subsided. I thought falling in love with the man of my dreams would help this, and in some cases it has. But it just lays dormant until I have a moment to think, to reflect, to feel my heart beating and remind myself that this happiness, this depression, also shall pass.

As an adult now for...

14 years, I've learned about the wonders of Farmer's Markets.  It's the best!!

Henry Lloyd-Hughes talks about saving Jodie Comer’s life during the pasta incident

This black cat.

One of the movies I love. It would’ve been perfect if Mickey Rooney wasn’t the “Japanese” landlord. How embarrassing and racist.

There was once a very lovely, very frightened girl. She Lived alone except for a nameless cat.

Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961) // dir. Blake Edwards

This is all I need in the world

So cool

When you have nothing left to give, you let them suck you dry; mind, body, and soul.

Can’t turn the other cheek for this one.

Honoring yourself...

and being truthful to yourself.  I haven't really delved into this whole mindset that you can forgive yourself when everybody else has or hasn't.  I have so much pent up guilt within myself that it's sometimes suffocating, that sometimes on those rare moments that I have time to think, it makes me dizzy when I think about that one event in my life, or that one memory of a memory that isn't really complete, but you know it's there, but forever fragmented every time you try to recall.

I'm 32 now, and I'm allowing myself, little by little to let things go that happened to me in that past, so that I can gain new experiences, and not let the past weigh me down.  But like they say, it's easier said than done.  I want to heal, I want to not have guilt and pain so easily manifest itself if I'm alone. 

Also, people get this mixed up sometimes.  Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely.  People say that so freely, that I sometimes wonder if the lonely they're talking about is them just being bored. 

I was asked, "If I don't have this (insert emotion), then what am I?"  I asked myself this the other day.  If I didn't have that abortion, and the pain, depression, and guilt that came with it, then what am I?  It's been 5 years, and I hardly know myself before all that happened, that I have to ask myself, could I ever go back to the girl I was?  Probably not.  I've built walls, and I've found comfort in things that brings me joy, that probably wouldn't even cross my mind 5-6 years ago.

I was also told once that you change every 5 years or so, and I didn't used to believe that, but now I do.  I definitely am not who I was 5 years ago, nor do I want to be.  I'm honoring myself by being truthful to this decision.  I'm happy, and that's all that I can ask for.  It's more than anyone can ask for.

Be well, my friends.