I Wish I Could Be The Person I Want To Be But Im Too Tired

I am creating. I am pouring my soul into this collection. It’s driving me crazy. The stars say I need more time to feel the right words. So I’ve decided that I will release this collection on June 30, 2018. (For those viewing this post on my blog click the images to see the full pictures) Support me with this okay? I wish you all hope, love, and healing. ✿ 

“I’m numb and alone. What I want more than anything is to feel something and have someone. But I can’t, I’ve pushed every single person who ever cared away, to protect them from myself . I’ve isolated myself with the loneliness and with no contact to other people my feelings are none existent .”

-Excerpt from a book I’ll never write (excerptsfromstories)

“The moment love rejected me and I decided to reject it too. I had to plead guilty of my own murder”

— Rose O.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* reblog or like if you ever felt like this*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

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Depression does not always mean

Beautiful girls with visible scars on their wrists. Depression does not always mean having a bad day at work.

Sometimes depression means not getting out of bed for three days in a row because your feet refuse to believe that they will not shatter upon impact on the floor.

Sometimes depression means that summoning the willpower to do the laundry and change your bed sheets is the most impressive thing you’ve accomplished all week.

Sometimes depression means lying there for hours, because you cannot convince your body that it is capable of movement.

Sometimes depression means not being able to write for days, weeks even because the only words you have to offer the world are;

“I’m trapped”

“I’m drowning”

“I swear to god I’m trying”

Sometimes depression means that every single bone in your body aches but you have to keep going through the motions because you cannot call into work with the excuse of depression.

Sometimes depression means ignoring every text and phone call for an entire month because yes, they have the right number but you are not the person they are looking for, not anymore.

“I woke up in the morning and I didn’t want anything, didn’t do anything, couldn’t do it anyway, just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made any sense, anything.”

— Richard Siken (via velvetnyc)

“I know, this isn’t the right thing to do. But, I’m tired of living… And this is the best way that I could escape this miserable life. I’m trapped within the walls of being alone. No one understands me. No one loves me. I know, if I die I wouldn’t be able to feel pain anymore… Nothing hurts when you’re dead. That’s what I wanted, to feel no more pain. I’m tired of this world. Mom, Dad, I’m so sorry because I won’t be able to continue your dreams for me. I’m so sorry for being pesky, rude and hard-headed. Sorry for the things that I made you cry and worry. Even though, my life was completely messed up, you’re always there for me. Cheering me up, supporting and providing things for me. But now, I caused you another trouble, don’t worry, this would be the last.. Thank you for everything, I will always love you both… see you soon. For you, I’m sorry for causing you so much pain and loneliness. I didn’t mean to leave you behind. I don’t want to end everything but… I’m having a battle inside of me. And unfortunately, I lose. That’s why I’m here, on the other side of the horizon. A place not on the physical world. Don’t worry, I will always be in your heart. Loving you from a distance. I will always protect you, guide you and be with you. I don’t want to see you sad and cry again, please. Explore and wander things that life has to offer which I probably can’t do anymore. My body will decay, but my love for you will be forever. I will always be here, till we meet again. On my bed, you will see photographs and things that were important to me. I kept those things for years. It’s like a piece of me, so please keep them as if you’re caring me. If you miss me, come and find me in your heart. I’m so sorry, I can’t continue my life anymore. I’m sick of this world. I’m tired of being beaten and left behind. My life sucks. Please open the door, I want to be free.”

— suicide letter, 11/1714 2:44am

I️ Keep Sleeping

I wish I didn’t feel so strongly. Whenever I get attached to somebody I become sick. For example, I have a crush atm and even though having a crush should be fun I’m just anxious. I think about him 24/7 and I feel incredibly sad and uncomfortable if I don’t hear from him in a while.I also keep thinking about how I’m just a consolation prize and he probably wishes he had someone better than me. I have serious abandonment issues and I probably shouldn’t even be with anyone tbh. 

Whenever I fall for somebody they become the main focus in my life and I lose myself. I lose interest in everything else but them. I know it’s super unhealthy but I can’t stop myself from feeling like this and it sucks. 

I haven’t heard anything from my crush since this morning and I want him to contact me first because I want to know that he likes me and wants to stay in contact even if I don’t make the first move. Waiting for his message sucks. Usually at some point he does message me but in the meanwhile I feel like I’m dying. I think I should start to see a therapist again because I’m a mess. I’ve recovered from some of my mental illnesses but this one seems to stay and it’s called BPD.