I Think I Understand What You Mean, Jay. Or At The Very Least, The Spirit Of It. As Alterhumans, We Have

Final Conclusions;

I bludgeoned sobriety with a bat, and left it dead in the woods. It died an ugly death, kicking and screaming as I tore it limb from limb- because I am so hungry. I can’t help it, I don’t want to know what I am without someone here to latch onto the memories of. I can’t help it, this is who I’ll always be. So now that you know I’m trapped, let's get into our findings;

Within  the very beginnings of the experiment, I found that when I received notifications in my dms, I felt a nervous energy. It was almost an impulsive reflex, telling me to answer my dms. That I was breaking the rules of social interaction. According to my two observers that I unwittingly roped into the experiment, they had said that my urge to return back to these behaviors showed an overall consistency, or as Steph lovingly put it, “(...)You were crawling out of your skin since day one.”. 

That being said, I had noticed a steady increase of sporadic behavior from that point on, including thrill seeking urges that included a momentary fantasy about going bungee jumping or taking a detour into the woods on my way home from work to scream until my lungs give out. These urges were accompanied by dietary changes, cravings for starch based comfort foods that suggested that I was under stress.

 The idea that I was under stress is further backed up by the observations of my aforementioned participants of choice, one of which (Evan, the problem child) had brought to attention my discomfort multiple times throughout the experiment. 

At the end of the experiment, it had been brought to my attention by Steph that, “You’re trying to collect and address primarily qualitative data with quantitative methodologies and as a result are losing out on a lot of useful information, both in this experiment and general interview practices,” which was a great point, seeing as throughout the entirety of my blog, I've been trying to assign tangible and numerical findings to something as intimate as kin memories.

 Now that I'm back, I plan to remedy this, starting with openly sharing about what makes me experience mental/phantom shifts, and what has spoken to me so far throughout this search into what source I belong to. 

Ocean Eyes

There is an eye at the bottom of the ocean, belonging to an old god whose name has been forgotten, but still leaves echoes in the memory of man. It's there, under the rolling waves and aquatic life. In a constant staring contest with our sun that's dripping crimson with the blood of so many who have given into their fears, the eye gazes not just on that sun but through every life that has ever lived in this reality we've found ourselves in, and so many others.

 When it finally blinks, the world will end. This is a fact. The Earth will begin to swallow us whole, and nature will take back what we've stolen from it. Bridges collapsing and headlights careering into the star filled glinting sea, into doors that were never meant to be opened. Fear and panic in the air, do you feel it too?.. and when that eye blinks, our sun will too. I want to look down into those depths just so I can reassure myself it's fine. ‘It was just a dream, a terrible, terrible dream that you had because you went into cardiac arrest,’

But it's still wriggling in my brain, pulling in and out of my periphery like a tide. So I think..

I'm going to run a little experiment. I've mentioned my urges- 

My fixation with hearing others experiences and memories, my drive to feel that connection, and to pick at the more distressing details of said memories. I would like to stop completely, just to see how uncomfortable I'd get. I want to document how long it takes until my resolve cracks, just to get a sense of how trapped I really am in this cycle.

So, if I don't post for a while, my blog isn't dead! I'm simply trying not to fall into a pattern that I've been feeding into for the past 3 months. I will post the results when I feel I've gotten satisfying results.

I am ahmed from Gaza I hope you are well, my dear. Please help me. Our tent was flooded while we were sleeping in the streets. We have no shelter. I cannot provide winter clothes for me and my mother to protect us from the cold that has begun, and I cannot provide basic needs. Please help me. $50 is enough to buy a new tent and winter clothes. Please help me my dear. We live in very harsh conditions.conditions.https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-ahmed-and-his-family-survive-in-gaza-crisis

ahmed-gaza033's donation page is available on gofundme.com

Where Have You Been This February?

If there is one good thing that came out of this emotional breakdown that I had recently on my blog, it's that it opened my eyes to many other blogs that have expressed similar sentiments. 

We are from an age of lost souls and misguided ghosts. Through the isolation of quarantine, through our unstable political climates, the mental walls we build for ourselves, and with it being Valentine's weekend- it's no wonder why some of us feel lonely. It's not just an affliction, but a place we find ourselves, and I can't help but think of the strange dreams that I've had about a particular seaside that was forgotten by the sands of time- I want you to know that we can leave here anytime because while you feel lonely, you have never been alone.

Be it your memories that haunt you, or your struggle through the monotony of a hellaish 9-5

Your nights looking up at the ceiling, wondering when your life will begin. I understand that search to find yourself, and feeling no closure or connection to fellow man- and lord knows we’ve tried. Your uncertainty for the future that looks ever bleak,Your struggle to be seen, in a world that constantly disregards the stories that you hold to your heart and the memories behind your eyes- I see these things.  You've suffered, yes, but you don't have to hide. You’ve risen to the occasion before, and I know you can again. I promise someday someone is going to see these things in you as well, and so much more that I could never hope to do justice- the things that light you up with joy and really make you who you are because we are not going to remain lost here.

So be brave, and for the time being just know that if you're alone then you're with me.

Otherkin beings, alterhumans, nonhumans, therians.

Send me an ask and tell the world what you are. Use as many or few words as you want without censoring yourself. It can be written like a poem or straight forward and simple. Do what feels right for you.

My goal is to collect and archive until we have enough entries to make a zine out of it that can be downloaded and passed around for free. I want to make our voices less quiet. 

How it works

You send me an ask. Short and simple example:

“I’m a ___.”

I will post your ask (I'll use the queue to space the posts out a bit) and put it down on the zine as:

“I’m a ___.” -Anonymous

If you don’t want to be cited as anonymous, you need to tell me. Like this, for example:

“I’m a ___. -Blue”

You can ad as much information as you want. An example:

“I’m a ___. -Blue, they/them, 21”

That would look like this in the zine:

“I’m a ___.” -Blue, they/them, 21

I hope I explained it in an easy to understand way!

I will cite the asks exactly how I receive them, including things that I think are typos. I don’t want to accidentally change something that was done on purpose. If you want to correct a mistake you’ve made, just comment under the respective post. I can’t allow this for anons because I need a way to know the request comes from the being that made the original ask.

Update

We already have over 30 entries! Given that number, I can confidently say that this zine will happen. I already started working on it. I'm excited! 

(Some of these entries are bringing me to tears omg /pos)

Two Sentence Horror Story:

You send an ask to a beloved mutual, only to look back at the google doc that you copied and pasted from. There's a grammatical error.

I'm pretty sure the weight of a cat laying on my lap would fix me right about now. That or to just be put in the medieval torture rack until my back problems are fixed- it's a 50/50 split on my hierarchy of needs

Street lights by sir20

🎺🐟

fish band

Hello, problem child ( I say this lovingly)

A List Of Fictional Crushes I've Had Since The Age Of 9

It’s actually rather funny

My love life is near nonexistent, and it’s understandable why; I’ve never exactly been a looker, the idea of intimacy sets me on edge because how can you trust someone enough to hold that level of companionship with them? That being saaiiiid..

The nice thing about fictional crushes is that they can never leave you, or disappoint you (or even worse, you disappoint them!) Yes, I held the characters I read about all near and dear to my heart. So, here’s a comprehensive list of all the fictional crushes I’ve had since the age of 9, all in chronological order for your convenience:

Morticia Adams (The Addams Family 1991)

Frank Zhang (Heroes of Olympus Percy Jackson series)

Delores Claiborne (Title Name, Self Explanatory)

Monica Geller (Friends)

The Reporter Courtney Cox Played (Scream. This Crush Probably Wouldn't Have Happened if I Hadn't Watched Friends)

Peeta Melmark (The Hunger Games Series, Book Version Only)

Olivia Benson (Law and Order SVU)

Griffin (The Invisible Man 1933, Movie Version Only) ((I also need to clarify that a lot of my thoughts about Griffin are admittedly out of character))

Sam Tully (ASoIaF AND Game of Thrones)

Whoever It Was Rosario Dawson Played in (Death Proof)((It was the damn kick at the end)))*

Samwise Gamgee (Mostly the Movie Adaptations of Lord of the Rings)

If there's anything writing this down has taught me, it's that I have a clear type in both genders, and I'm of the opinion that the two of them would make the perfect couple, somewhere far *far* away from me 

(Feel Free To Reblog With Your Own Fictional Pinings)

Go on, take a guess which category I fall under..

like/reblog if u are:

a bitch

a bastard

an all around fool

an omnipresent all-powerful being

a sparrow

c̵͙̳͕̈͛ụ̷̔r̸̗͎̽̓͗͜s̴̨̈́̿͘e̸͍̰̜͊̈́d̵̛̫̙͍͝͝

capable of moving at immense, incomprehensible speeds

an eldritch being

no one will know which one u chose! :D