Let Me Decide What You Will Wear Tonight. Let Me Decide Where We Will Go. Let Me Decide How High You

balenciaga

The very idea of you leaving—it’s laughable. Perhaps I’d let you run, allow you to believe, for a brief and foolish moment, that freedom is within reach. And then, at the cusp of your escape, I’d catch you once more. Oh, how sweet it would be, watching hope drain from your eyes, feeling the weight of your defiance crumble in my hands as I pull you back into my embrace.

i'm so sick and you should totally spend all of your time taking care of me

sometimes i just think about him like things he says or does or pictures i have of it and im just like. aww. im so lucky <33

#things to try and set up

wife and I were chatting and we realized we have the opportunity to do some insane levels of wish fulfillment by taking some younger transfem on the thrill of her life by being two older, stable transfems and spoiling her

need a sweet subby tgirl wearing nothing but a collar to grope and tease as I get sleepy in bed...

finger her mouth and butt and sleepily nibble on her tits while holding her like a body pillow~

some of y’all would collapse under the weight of your own erections if a trans woman who was slightly older than yourself called you darling.

ngl hdg kinda amazes me in its ability to cater to my kinks pretty much perfectly while simultaneously triggering several of the worst parts of my trauma.

like how is it that it hits on everything i like on the surface, provides semi-decent worldbuilding to back it all up and enable the creation of stories, and even has consistent backstory and stuff, and yet the entire damn thing instills this looming sense of dread and fear that i can't shake enough to properly enjoy it...

below the break im gonna talk in like. moderate detail. about the parts that scare me. so uh yeah be aware that it'll get heavy that's just how it is.

ok, so the worst thing for me. wellness checks. the idea is cute and kinda hot on the surface. "make sure you're okay and if you're not you're getting domesticated" (which is supposed to be like. a happy thing. "now you get to just chill and be happy and get taken care of forever and in return you give me only your submission"). yeah, fuck it, im into that. hell that's not even an uncommon trope in the realm of cnc/mc writing.

except whenever i read an hdg wellness check story (in the sense of those long-ish tumblr posts that people write—i haven't even really considered reading the longer form content on ao3) there's something viscerally... off... about the tone. it stops feeling like kink and starts feeling like a nightmare when things happen to line up just so, and then it clicks, and reminds me that i knew people, real people, who had "wellness checks" happen in real life, except that instead of it being a kink thing that made them happy and was genuinely for their wellbeing, it was that their parents had hired people to kidnap them and drag them to a psych ward when they just needed a therapist. not all of those people that i knew have come home, as far as im aware. some have been gone for years.

and what about the whole idea of the non-consensual part being okay because "it's for your own good". in hdg-land it is. it's genuinely good for you and everyone seems to be happy with it, other than the occasional "bad guy who hates good things" trope (feralists, in hdg, afaik). but that's exactly what they told me when they cut contact between my boyfriend and i while he was in the hospital. "it's for your own good." guess what, it wasn't. his parents didn't like our relationship. they wanted me to forget him. they either didn't understand or didn't care that i couldn't. it was a year and a half before he came home and i had forgotten nothing.

our loss of communication was the tipping point in a series of events that, had i made one decision differently in the end, would have killed me. thankfully i fucked it up and am here today, no longer in that bad of a place may i add. im choosing not to share any of what happened to me directly right now because i don't want to turn this into a full on trauma dump, but suffice it to say there are recurring themes.

it's so interesting to me because in a lot of ways i have found comfort from those experiences in kink and writing. take flames of averon: mech pilots are neurochemically bonded to their handlers. how different is this from what the affini do to their florets? well, you have to sign up to be a pilot, and there's no authority in the world threatening you if you choose not to. even the coalition military wouldn't dare force you to become a pilot against your will, though they might never stop sending you promotional flyers if they find out you're able to tolerate the cyberware /lh

hell, im into cnc. im really into it. i chose to leave it as an opening between pilots and handlers in foa. the implication exists that if a handler tells their pilot to do something the poor thing will have a hell of a time saying no. that's intentional. it's hot to me, on either end. but the safety comes from other things.

yes, your handler has a lot of influence over you at a level that's hard to imagine, but you chose them and they chose you (most of the time), or at the very least neither of you had any complaints to raise with your supervisor when the paperwork came in for syncing your link chips (holly and astrid from seat of consciousness).

yes it's true, you can't be reassigned now that you're bonded, but that doesn't mean you have zero recourse if your handler is treating you badly. if you need to, you can always file paperwork with your commanding officer to request that something be done.

plus, handlers go through a lot of training, which includes screening to filter out people who would actually harm their pilots. yeah, some handlers are a little sadistic, but when it comes down to it they are on your side. if that wasn't the case they would never have passed pre-basic.

put another way, as a pilot in flames of averon, the closest thing ive ever written to a floret, there are a multitude of points at which you could have said no and didn't, and although that's obviously still noncon in the grand scheme of things, it's "signing away your freedom" cnc compared to the hdg flavor of "you 'consented' via it being the best thing for you whether you like it or not."

even if your handler just told you to "stay" for the first time and you're currently panicking and trying to figure out why your legs won't move, you still have some tiny amount of agency—an escape hatch, so to speak—and you'll just never end up having to use it.

and to me, the loss of that minute level of agency which will never be invoked is the difference between "this is hot as hell and feels perfectly safe" and "this is the abuse that was once leveraged against those i cared about, and to some degree myself, and it's simply been repackaged with a kink sticker slapped on."

none of this is to say i hate hdg, it's fans, those who write about it, or even the parts of it which scare me. i do think the idea is hot. hdg is pretty cool. hell, it was one of my inspirations in writing a lot of the pilot/handler dynamics in flames of averon. but it does scare me. and no matter what i tell myself i can't shake that fear.

it's frustrating, because oftentimes fear can be part of what makes something hot, but the particular flavor of fear which hdg instills in me is one which makes bitter all that it reaches. maybe someday i'll grow out of it. the traumatic memories from which that fear stems were only created in the past couple of years, to be fair. but something tells me a piece of that fear will never be fully dislodged from my mind.

so, all this to say, while i am into hdg, it's a complicated relationship.

(and on a sillier in character note to lighten the mood—please feel free to respond to this with roleplay or whatever you like!)

to any Affini out there who might be reading this, know that im not scared of you. im not scared of what you represent. im only scared by the fact that you mimic that which has left the scars you see on my soul today. im not against being taken in as a floret, and none of this is to say that i hold any level of disdain for you.

i only ask that you be gentle with me. what has been broken once can be broken again. please, do not let it come to that.

The Ultimate Guide to Circular Gallifreyan in All of Time and Space

                                                                                     Introduction

Gallifreyan, is the language used by the Time Lords of Gallifrey. It is (allegedly) a fictional language used in the BBC TV show Doctor Who. 

There are three known forms of written Gallifreyan; Old High Gallifreyan, Modern Gallifreyan and Circular Gallifreyan. 

Old High Gallifreyan, the original ancient language of the Time Lords, was declared by the 11th Doctor to possess the power to “raise empires and destroy gods”. But by the Doctor’s era, it fell in disuse and was known only to very few. Modern Gallifreyan, an evolved form of Old High Gallifreyan was common at the time of the Doctor.  

By the end of the last great Time War, Gallifreyan could be written using a complex system of interlocking circles, hexagons and connecting lines. This form of Gallifreyan is known as Circular Gallifreyan. 

Circular Gallifreyan is a language closely linked to the TARDIS. The TARDIS contains a translation matrix, giving it the ability to adapt to every other language, at least for those of us who aren’t Time Lords. In Muggle terms, Circular Gallifreyan is more of a cipher or code than an actual language. It can be used to write any language that can be translated to the same script as English. Since 2005 this version of Gallifreyan is used very commonly on the Dr Who TV show. 

                           Guide to Circular Gallifreyan

 Step 1) Learn the Basic Alphabet 

Getting familiar with the basic alphabet is incredibly helpful

I recommend memorizing the individual alphabets because it makes the reading and writing process much faster, but if you don’t want to do that, then you can use the chart below for reference to the consonants.

In circular Gallifreyan, there is no version of ‘C’. When there is a ‘C’ in a word, you replace it with either ‘K’ or ‘CH’ depending on whichever sounds closer to it. 

Some people write a version of ‘C’ that looks like ’D’ but with 4 dots. But that version is rather confusing because that can have different interpretations, so I prefer to stick to the ‘K’ method. 

Step 2) Vowels in Relation to Consonants 

Vowels are generally attached to the consonants directly before them. In which case they will be placed “in relation to the consonants” as seen in the chart below.

Vowels can also be put separately if there is no consonant before them, or if that is more convenient. In such a case, they are placed as seen in the alphabet chart.  (see step 1)

Step 3) Reading and Writing Simple Individual Words

Circular Gallifreyan is written and read anti-clockwise starting from the central bottom part of the circle.

Things to Keep in Mind :-

1) When you are writing the words, make small markings for the lines and dots you need for the alphabets and join them later. This way you can visualize the whole word. The lines can be drawn in any direction, what is important about them is their number. 

2) When writing words with double letters, like Gallifrey that has 2 L’s, make a smaller circle within the bigger one. Similarly, 2 T’s and all the other alphabets can be doubled by making a smaller version of themselves within the original letter.  Examples :-

Step 4) Grouped Words

In Gallifreyan, words in a sentence are grouped together, making the individual word circles form a larger circle. This is done by putting the individual circles in an anti-clockwise pattern. 

When reading Gallifreyan sentences, start at the lowest part of the circle at the bottom of the main circle and read it anticlockwise. Then do the same for all the other circles in the main circle, going in an anticlockwise direction. 

Examples :-

Eventually, with practice, you should be able to read and write extensive  passages in circular Gallifreyan

Examples :-

(Examples above are - ‘Love the running’ and ‘bad wolf’)

Step 5) Punctuation 

In order to read and write large sentences in their proper grammatical context, the following system of punctuation is used in Circular Gallifreyan.

The punctuation of a sentence can be done by placing the necessary punctuation next to the pertaining word circle or by placing it in the outer circle of the word.

Step 6) Number System

 There are many systems for writing numbers in Gallifreyan. There is even an entire system of doing advanced mathematics! But, since the last time I saw my mathematics book I stabbed it with a knife, killing it like the horcrux it is, I’ll stick to the two most basic methods. 

I personally prefer the second method, because it’s much easier to use for really large numbers, like if you’re writing the date (or star date). But, method 1 is the one that is seen used in Doctor Who. The second version is more like using roman numerals, to an extent. 

Step 7) (optional) Decoration

Circular Gallifreyan has a beautiful script, so it will look good whether you write it free hand or elaborately with a compass. If you do want to make it more decorative, then there are various things you can do:-

• Draw an extra outer circle 

• Indent the inner circle

• Join the lines of the different circles together

• Change the thickness of certain circles in bigger phrases

Step 8) Test Yourself

If you need any help or translations, feel free to ask me!

- Medini Sriram

doctorwho

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